What scares me the most is continuing life like this.
I'm not even sure why i'm posting this because i'm not hysterical, or irrational or particularly worked up about things. I'm pretty sure that i'm ready to leave this world. I'm not upset or angry, just somewhat content that yes i'm really sure i don't want to carry on struggling for the will to "want to live". The world is not a good place. Most people i encounter are insensitive, nasty, selfish and vain. I'm sick of pretending i'm ok and i'm getting help and generally that things will, inevitably get better. I'm not going to kid myself anymore. Everything is just too difficult. I'm so anxious over going into work, seeing people and generally waking up. I've tried, believe me i have tried and i simply do not see a way out of this feeling. Just complete hopelessness, pointlessness and uselessness. I do NOTHING productive, enjoy nothing and exercise all for, yes, you guessed it NOTHING. I'm never happy with the weight i've lost. I should be grateful i'm not how i used to look but what people don't know is i've cheated my way through the weight loss. I'm bulimic but overweight, how pathetic right? I exercise flat out everyday (well except for one day off every 3 weeks), work full time and have another job and for what? bloody nothing. I am so sensitive to other people's comments, views and perceptions of me that i no longer wish to live to see another day.
When people say things like "when you panic when out in public and you think you're going to die..." my response is not that i panic because i'm going to die but that i'm going to live, continuously like this and feel like sh*t day in day out. Is there really any chance of feeling any differently when you have felt so awful for so long? I used to think there was hope. Hope that when my family knew about my depression, suicide attempts and cutting that i would feel this huge sense of relief and immediately feel better by knowing i have their support but i don't. I regret it because i have to live with the guilt of knowing that i can't appreciate them as much as i think i do because all i want to do is to not live. Not wake up tomorrrow and not have to see another horribly depressing day.
Like i said i'm not hysterical or upset/angry but realise this is a little messed up. The problem is i have just gathered all the tablets from my whole flat and have them in my room. So tempting but i have work tomorrow 6am and a shift at my other job. I wouldn't normally be so tempted to end things on a day where i know other people's lives will be messed up so as to cause as little disruption as possible, but i think i've reached a more selfish level withing myself in that i think this it. I can no longer hang around for other people. Call me selfish, call me ungrateful, you would only confirm the thoughts of my self hatred. This is beyond now. I there really any hope? I just don't think there is. I'm sorry for anybody's time i've wasted by reading this. It's all a little pointless. Like me i guess.
Your post wasnt pointless - unfortunately my reply is going to be pretty much though.i wish i could make you feel better.im not sure what to say but wanted to let you know i read and that even if i dont know you that well i do care.i heard your pain in your post and i hope that it helped to some degree to at least write things out.i know its hard, exhausting to keep battling but i hope somehow just somehow you manage to find the strength to hang on and that you can find better things.Do you have anyone you can talk to?i hope somehow we can help you find the strength and energy to keep fighting.Posting was an important first step.Please keep talking.
i do not always manage to be around but i wish you all the very best - love and luck to you all!
not a pointless point at all hunni bee
life is hard tough draining emotional - everything
but everything is all we have and we havent got life we havent got anything - we have nothing and nothing is worse than sometihng even when that something is crap!!!
that is so clear in my head but im not sure that'll nmake sense to anyone else
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
What scares me the most is continuing life like this.
I have had this thought before. It's like, if this is all there is, if it doesn't get any better than this, then I can't do it. It's that feeling of eternity being the scariest thing ever, because the present is so unbearable. Maybe this doesn't help you right now, but you are not alone in the way that you feel.
I know that everything feels like it's for nothing sometimes and I'm guessing the point that you're at right now you don't want to hear that that's not true. All I will say, is that I have been at the point where I have honestly believed that there is nothing. I have sat and thought hard and yet still felt like there was no point, there was no hope, there was nothing out there for me whatsoever. I have sat and thought that the best thing for me would be to simply curl up, go to sleep and never wake up - at a time when I wasn't particularly distressed. I have wanted to die. The important thing is, that I don't feel like this now. I feel better now. Things are not perfect, not by a long way, but they are better. I know right now, you might not be able to see that. When I felt that way, I wouldn't have believed anybody who tried to tell me that I would be okay. But there is a way through all of this. And you won't fell this way forever.
I don't think there is ever an instant relief with this kind of thing. The most infuriating thing about depression, SI and EDs is that everything takes so much time. Somtimes the progress, the moving foward is so painfully slow, we don't even realise that we are moving in the right direction. There will be relief, maybe instantaneous at first, sometime soon. Keep holding on for it.
I don't think you're selfish, and I really don't think that you're pointless. I think that you're going through a very difficult time and that you're in a dark place right now. There is nothing selfish about wanting to be here because you want to be here - I think that's what we're all searching for. I don't think there are really words that can make this better. For all my rambling what I really want to say is this: there is hope. Too often, that is all we are left with, but there is always hope. This can change, this can get better, so please stay safe.
PM me if you want to
xxx
Hello Ella. Please know that despite your own self-hatred I still love you. I admire how you are doing so much work even though you are feeling terrible. That shows you have strength. It is good that you are thinking of others and how losing you will affect them. This shows that you are not pointless, hopeless, or useless. You have much worth.
Much of your suffering seems to be caused by this eating disorder, and I am sure that you have this disorder because you believe that how you look is preventing you from receiving love. Please know that you are not without love. I care for you, I hope you are always well and feel joy once more. I believe you can find the peace: it is with you already, it surrounds your thoughts. It is waiting for you to rest in it, even in the midst of your depression.
Many, many hugs and blessings
-oli
Last edited by oliness : 21-09-2009 at 10:20 PM.
"Resolve to be tender with the young, compassionate with the aged,
sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant with the weak and wrong because sometime in your life you will have been all of these."
Thank you all for your kind words! It is very encouraging to say the least. I sometimes think i'm getting better, or at least that i'm doing all i can in order to accept the help on offer, however bad it often makes me feel. I think today, my day off i've just had too much time to think, which is often what i want sometimes but clearly not what i need. Thanks for saying i have strength by still working. It's very difficult to go to work and struggle with thoughts etc and nobody really knowing and simply telling me "you're looking better anyway" like it doesn't really matter if i am really. 'Tinkerdebs' i will try and remember that sometimes life is all we have, a very poignant statement and one that hadn't really entered my mind before. 'Sleepless' it did help to write these things out (i don't do it very often) but what was more helpful were your replies. 'Hunni' thanks for giving me a little bit of hope and thanks for understanding that i may not see this for certain at the moment. It's the progress or the lack of it should i say?! that is very difficult to measure. And 'Oli' i think my eating is a major issue for me, it's one i can't seem to put to rest. If i eat i feel guilty but if i don't i feel hungry (inevitably). Its like the proffessionals tell you that you need to stop thinking like this and need to top doing this and that but don't actually tell you HOW to frigging do it! Thanks again for your replies, i am actually feeling a bit better, at least marginally. Love to all xxx
