Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - A letter to my friend..
In December it'll be a year since I told one of my friends about my SI. I've since told her vague details when ive been drunk but I can tell although she's been patient, she's getting frustrated with me. She wants to help but she says she can't if I cant tell her what's wrong. I keep sending her texts saying im really low then she says she'll come round and I tell her not to, im fine, because I feel silly
So this is what I sent her last night:
I'm really really reluctant to do this. I've not been talking about this for so long, I felt I HAD to talk about it, not write it down. It's not the same, it's not at all helpful. But I think otherwise you'll end up getting more fed up of me and never speak to me again. This is all so difficult to even word. I am such a spaz, urgh. Right, ok, basically, next month is 3 years since "it" happened and this is traditionally a really bad time of year for me because of it. Usually I get really down for like 3 months, but last year was so much worse, I've been down constantly since last October. I haven't been able to forget it all year. And I actually don't think I can get through next month. I'm back to all the nightmares and getting really panicky when anyone touches me. Sleep deprivation is really not helping, im crap without sleep! My life feels really empty just now, I have nothing to get up for. I'm working maybe 2 nights a week and not like 9 or 10pm so I have a whole day of nothingness and I can't even sleep. I'm applying for tonnes of jobs, really crap jobs even, and hearing nothing back. It's slightly soul destroying. I've not spoken to anyone in my family in a week now because I'm sick of being told what a useless disappointment I am. It's like it's gone straight out of everyones heads that when I was legal to work in shops I spent every day of my holidays and every weekend in *shop i worked in*, then did the *nightclub i work in* on top of college and went into class knackered. Now they just act like im lazy and good for nothing. I agree on the last part.
Things are hard with my bf, cos I can't tell him what's actually going on. There's something that happens, it's apparently really common after rape, where you can't stop equating sex with violence. And I get really panicky sometimes and expect him to turn on me. And I can't explain it and I'm freaking him out. I'm so hot and cold all the time, sometimes I won't even let him hug me. He's a really open kind of person. But it's not going to last, I know it's not, even if I tell him. So what's the point in putting myself through something, which I probably wont actually physically be able to talk about anyway (cos we all know how great I am at that..) for nothing. Plus I have to be very specific about "lights off" because of scars on my legs. Which I can't keep up forever. They're fading a bit but still mega obvious. And I keep making new ones. The age gap is really unhelpful with this too, im always trying to prove im more mature than most 21 year olds but that's a bit of a contradiction then isn't it? He keeps talking about when we used to date. And he's not really clear on why we split up. I say something about we never had time to see each other and he drops it, but he knows thats bollocks. He also mentions how he never sees his friend (the one that raped me) anymore since that last night when we went out and jokes about what did I do to him?
I actually thought I was going to have a panic attack at work the other night. There's been a couple of attacks nearby and my boss told us on the wednesday a girl had been "attacked" the night before so we can't go out alone with the bins anymore. On the saturday my boss told everyone again, about 20 of us that a girl had been raped up the lane that week. The use of the actual word makes me a bit queasy. Then all the boys started having a joke about it and my boss emphasised it was "a drunk girl". So clearly she was asking for it. Anyway, later on at the end of the night I went to put out the bins and this guy I work with followed me, he's polish (thats not really relevant!) and he was like "just checking you dont get raped.. mind you, who would want to rape you anyway!". He was just kidding and winked at me. But I dont think I spoke another word that night then was actually sobbing like, the whole way home. I'm ultra sensitive lately as well.
Everything's just piiiiiiiiiish. I have nothing to look forward to. I actually see no point in my life whatsoever. I'm not just feeling sorry for myself, I dunno how to explain it.
I can't relate to anyone. I've been googling stuff for years now and none of the accounts sound the same as my experience. All these people that are like "rape made me a stronger person". Bollocks, it absolutely f**king ruined me. Stevie comments that ive changed a lot. I have and not in a good way. I don't trust anyone, I'm way more closed off. I'm just laughing to myself cos I'm reading this website and it's like "how to help a friend deal" and it says you've to make me a cup of tea and give me a cuddle. Er ok then. I don't drink tea and I don't want a cuddle and it's like "things not to say" and one of them is "you wanted it". Jesus christ.
No actually, this site is quite interesting. Ok, I don't blame myself for what happened, I know it wasn't my fault. But I still hate myself. He said some stuff to me. I mean it was a proper violent 6 hour long "attack". He didn't hit my face because that would be obvious, but everywhere else I was a walking bruise. If I didn't do something I'd get smacked about. I didn't tell anyone because I wanted to forget it. I now get that it doesn't quite work like that. But yeah, the things he said about me, just generally nasty about how no-one will ever love me, im an ugly little fat slut who had this coming etc etc. I get that's probably standard rape banter. There was other stuff too and it always pops into my head when im mega low. I don't believe it most of the time. I mean, I get that im not pretty or special or anything but I know he was being a bit extreme with some of it. I don't really want you to reply to this. I feel really silly. Just I dunno, pretend I didn't send it and then maybe (maybe!) we can talk about it sometime when I'm hammered. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x
So yes, sent that last night. Don't know if she got it because I told her not to reply. I'm really really regretting sending it
And im so annoyed at doing it, I know I need to actually sit and tell someone and she's the person I trust most. It's not the same telling her this way then talking about it afterwards. I need to TELL her.
Thanks, I don't feel strong, I feel like a total wimp!
She replied. Even though I told her not to. But im kind of glad she did.
I'm glad you've told me. Getting it out in the open will help. Don't believe any of the stuff he said during the act, as you said it was just "standard rape banter", and he's just trying to make you feel shit, so he feels better. don't let him ruin your life. I really, really think you should report him, don't worry about no one believing you or anything, you need to let the police know. I think you should tell your bf too.
Not pretty?! Don't be stupid. Don't believe anything he said. Why should you hate yourself for what he did?! You're right, none of it was your fault.
I really don't know what to say babez, I;m rubbish with advice at the best of times. x
So yeah. I dunno what I was expecting anyway. But I think its really hard for someone to understand that it's not always something you want to report
I am so pleased for you having told your friend, and she replied in a lovely manner. I had shivers all through me whilst reading that as some parts are extremely relevant to my past. Mainly that i didn't tell anyone because i wanted to forget and i now realise it doesn't work like that either. I just wanted you to know i think your really brave and i am glad that you realise it wasn't your fault! Mainly because it actually wasn't! Oh and it's great to hear somebody else say they hate it when they read that 'rape made me a stronger person', it's like if it doesn't make me stronger does that mean asked for it? or that i'm not as good a person? Anyways thinking of you xxx
You don't have to report it if you don't want. I think your friend just wanted to let you know that you can if you want to. I think people who haven't had that happen think that telling the police will help, when in reality most people that have had that happen realize that telling the police will put them through a long legal process that they want nothing to do with. I'm glad she replied. You're lucky to have such a good friend. :)
and it's like "things not to say" and one of them is "you wanted it". Jesus christ. 
