Triggering (SI/Suicide) - not coping at all now, trig *most*

hidden tears · 20-09-2009, 09:21 PM

im really not coping at all,
these last 2 months since i went back to work have been so hard, i really dont no how ive managed it..

one of the men i looked after died tonite,
he had the same disease my friend died of wen she was 16,
seeing him in the last few days of his life brought it all back, what she went through and how i wasnt there with her when she died..
then to have a day off and my client dies.
i let them both down when they needed me,
i cant cope with it now..
ive been feeling so suicidal for weeks and now ive let him down, its just too much..

i had all these thoughts and feelings before he died, but he kept me going cause i needed to be there to care for him...
now he's not here,
i dont think i have anything to keep me going anymore...
im such a failure,
im so tired of trying and i feel guilty for feeling like this but i dont no how else to feel.

ive got no support off work and i no if i go off sick again, which il more than likely end up doing then il have nothing left..

HopeRises · 20-09-2009, 09:43 PM

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time right now.
try not to feel guilty for not being there when your client died.
It's not your fault. It was your day off which you are entitled too.
You haven't let him down. I'm sure. And I'm sure that no-one would think you did.
I think it's bad that there is no support from work..is there an occupational health team?

Why do you think your a failure?
You don't need to feel guilty about what your feeling because you don't 'choose' to feel this way.

Don't give up.

oliness · 20-09-2009, 10:04 PM

Hello Sammi. Please do not feel guilty over what has happened. Do not focus on the one time you were not with them but the many times you were with them. You have shown great compassion to this man, you blessed his life often with kindness. That is what is so important and so wonderful.

It is not possible to always be there for each person who needs you. But there is no guilt in this. You are also hurting as well, and therefore you are unable to always be helpful at present. I would like to give you much happiness and love, so that you can carry on your great work of caring.

Many many hugs,
Oliver

[Pixie] · 20-09-2009, 10:13 PM

your entiltled to your day off and you client would of known that.
im sure hes so happy he had you to be there for him and that you needed him as much as he needed you.
i understand how tough this must be for you,
but please, dont blame yourself.
your obviously such a caring person from the job you do, think of all the people your going to help in the future..
stay strong okay:)