Triggering (Suicide) - almost jumped, still freaked out *OD mentioned*

Cacoethes · 20-09-2009, 05:04 PM

i did mention this in a previous thread, but im still a bit freaked.

i almost jumped off a bridge, i went to the middle, crying my eyes out and was standing on the bottom rail.
some old lady asked if i was ok so i ran.

i just cant stop thinking about it
im really quite shaken up
i feel so stupid
i should be over it, shouldnt i?
i was so so close
i just feel like screaming
and im kicking myself for not doing it
just need a bit of support i suppose

Diamonds. · 20-09-2009, 05:13 PM

Are you shocked at the fact you came so close to suicide?
x

BeautyFiend · 20-09-2009, 05:57 PM

are you upset that you didn't do it, or because you let it get that far in the first place?

Cacoethes · 20-09-2009, 06:54 PM

im upset i didnt do it
it coudlve all been over by now
i am a bit shocked
the old lady freaked me out a bit
what if she had called the police or something
there are just so many things going on in my head
what could have happend
what should have happened

TinkerDebs · 20-09-2009, 08:19 PM

I don't know how long
I can hold you so strong
I don't know how long

Just take my hand
Give it a chance
Don't jump

I scream into the night for you
Don't make it true, don't jump
The lights will not guide you through
They're deceiving you, don't jump

Don't let memories go of me and you
The world is down there out of view
Please, don't jump, don't jump
And if all that can't hold you back
Then I'll jump for you

it was in the song i had on

love you hun!

findingnemo · 20-09-2009, 09:10 PM

That must be really scary. I know you feel upset with yourself but you just made the best decision of you life. I am so glad you are still with us! i think you should be proud of yourself for not jumping.

Cacoethes · 20-09-2009, 09:15 PM

thanks guys

i have to walk past that bridge every day.
im really freaking out

[Pixie] · 20-09-2009, 09:50 PM

i am so HAPPY that you didnt go through with it.
please dont be angry at yourself, the decison you made to run away was the bravest thing ive heard all day. Even though your scared, you chose to carry on fighting.
please stay strong:)
if you hold on long enough, one day this will all behind you.
xo

Cacoethes · 21-09-2009, 04:50 PM

im feeling worse today

i go to college tomorrow
and i have to walk past that fucking bridge
my eip worker called and i told her i was ok
fucking liar
she is coming to see me tomorrow
i wont tell her
if i dont jump off that fucking bridge first
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TinkerDebs · 21-09-2009, 07:58 PM

continues to sing the song i posted yesterday :p

please dont jump
tell your eip worker

Cacoethes · 21-09-2009, 09:46 PM

i will try and tell her
i sent her a text saying i wasnt ok and im sorry i lied
she didnt text back
she probably thinks im just being pathetic
:(

ella1 · 21-09-2009, 10:07 PM

I'm very glad you didn't jump. I also understand why you feel you are kicking yourself! Try and look at the positives in this situation, no matter how small or silly you may think they are. Like your still here to talk to us all for a start lol. Judging by the replies to this thread, and the help i've seen you've given others, i think you made a worthwhile decision to NOT jump, even if you didn't NOT jump for the right reason. *Looks up at ceiling and wonders if that made sense*. Anyway i hope you find it within yourself to tell your eip worker. Also well done for texting her! I'm pretty sure she isn't thinking your pathetic xxx

Cacoethes · 22-09-2009, 02:29 PM

thanks

my eip worker isnt coming
she is ill
i know its the angels that made her ill
so i couldnt see her and tell her
my mum picked me up from college
so i couldnt go to the bridge
but theres always tomorrow

Cacoethes · 22-09-2009, 05:22 PM

just cant do it
want to scream
took a small OD
just to get me to sleep

nowhereman · 22-09-2009, 11:19 PM

Oh hun I'm so glad too that you didnt jump. If you feel ill at all from the od, please get help. Things can and will get better, just try to hold on ok. I'm sorry I dont have somethign better to say but I'm thinking of you.

Cacoethes · 23-09-2009, 04:33 PM

thanks

couple of minutes after i posted that i fell asleep
it completley knocked me out
i was off college today because i was feeling too ill :s
but im too scared to tell anyone about the OD
they will just say im 'unwell' again
¬_¬

nowhereman · 23-09-2009, 05:24 PM

*hugs* hope you'll feel better soon.

Cacoethes · 23-09-2009, 08:14 PM

thankyou

im really scared of myself right now
i know what im capable of
i dont know when my eip worker is back
and i cant help feeling abandoned by her
i know that sounds really bad, she is ill and thats not her fault
so now i feel really guilty for thinking that
AHHHHHHHHH
i hate myself so much
im a horrible person

nowhereman · 23-09-2009, 11:14 PM

You're not a horrible person, you're only human, thats why you feel that way. I hope she's back soon.

im_the_kid_that_falls · 23-09-2009, 11:21 PM

Your not a horrible person, infact you are one of the sweetest people and strongest for not going through with this. I just hope things get better for you quickly, i cant imagine how scared you are, but you need tpo try to take a step back to find your strength and battle through this as best you can.

All my bestest wishes for you! :)
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