Triggering (SI/ED) - *shrugs*

Catharsis · 19-09-2009, 06:12 PM

Was talking with my mum earlier. Just discussing random things. With the whole family, out on a walk. She doesn't know anything about me. None of them do...

She said how she can tell the difference, between me; being naturally slim. And say, someone who has anorexia. Massive cringe at that. I feel like im not good enough at being slim. Im not yet small enough that she notices. Yet, im terrified of her knowing i might have a problem. She seems to be mentioning ED's more often these days. And i honestly havent given her any reason to. Its creeping me out. I feel odd. Im not skinny. I want to be pure. ><

Later, she says im so secure with myself. That if anyone did say anything to me, i wouldnt react. And that is why they dont bother. She thinks i am fine with myself. Happy much..? Aparently.

But i am very self consious. I hate myself. How i look. Im insecure. Im a whole bunch of things. But she doesnt seem to see that... I hide things from her though. I hide my cuts. I hide my scars. I hide the fact i have a boyfriend She has no reason to think anything like that of me. She doesnt. And it scares me at how little she knows about me... How little i want to tell her. I dont want the world to know me. Yet i need them to.

I just want to be free..

Im sorry. This sounds a really pointless thread. Im not even sure if its advice im looking for. Thats just how hopeless i am

Louise · 19-09-2009, 06:31 PM

I am so sorry your feeling like this, it is not a pointless thread not at all. Does anyone how you are feeling, does your know for example? do you have proffesional support?

PassedExpectations · 19-09-2009, 07:18 PM

Its really hard to have people saying stuff like that, and to know that it isn't true. Are you purposely working really hard to hide everything? You could seek help, or at least try to explain to your parents that the daughter they see is only part of the whole.
*hugs*

20-09-2009, 01:42 AM

*hugs* it is hard when people don't understand, but at the same time you don't really want them to. you never know, she may be saying it because she's beginning to notice some of it about you and is testing your reaction. either way i think you should seek a counselor. how old are you? sometimes it's better to let people in then deal with it all by yourself.

Catharsis · 20-09-2009, 01:53 PM

Thanks for the replies

I dont have any professional help. But two friends do kinda know how i feel. Yet, i doubt they understand fullly, because im not even sure myself.

I dont go out of my way to hide everything. Though i am a little cautious. How i feel doesnt really show through. Everyone seems to see me as always happy, and 'perfect'. And i lie to myself when im around other people. Because around then i am fine.

;\ And im only 14. So everything i do still has to go through my parents...

nowhereman · 20-09-2009, 04:29 PM

Its not a pointless thread, everyone is entitled to post when they need to. You're not hopeless either, not at all. I know you can feel that way when you're feeling down but I promise you it's not true. Its hard when everyone thinks you're fine and you're dying inside, and I know self harm and eds can be a way to show people how you're really feeling, at least they are for me, not that anyone knows but its a way to express it, but you know they're dangerous and you deserve better. could you talk to one of your friends who know a bit about stuff? Or do you have a school counsellor you could maybe see?