Well there.......i went and got into some sara mac.......and cut....nothing major, but enough to have to hide now. DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was SOOOOOO easy, watch a few videos, drink a few beers, and i had the blade in my hands.
I immediately feel stupid.
AND immed feel SO much better. Nice, new blades too.
It's been 2 mos, and now i have 7 little reminders of who i really am.
Now, long sleeves for a while too. People who KNOW me, will be LOOKING for it. i was neat, and controlled. (had there been whiskey involved, another story entirely) The pressure has just been too much.
you don't have to be sorry. i hope you find better ways to cope though. *hugs* do you have a counselor or psych or anyone you can talk to about how bad your feeling?
yeah, i have a nurse P. and my case manager.....groups on thur.....i tell them everything, the nurse says there might be hosp. in my future again, and iv'e been inpat. over 10 times this year alone.
Listening to "letterbomb" by gDAY
and it's my birthday......and i want to cry, and i'm gonna cut.
Well, i haven't cut since this post.....saw my doc, and they changed my meds.....and i told about the cutting in group. I think the meds are helping with some aspects of this thing....every day is a new struggle, a new hill to climb.
Listening to "gold dust woman" with Stevie Nicks on vocals.....damn does that song ring true for me......"wake up in the morning, see your sunrise loves to go down"
"It's a heartless challenge, pick your path and then pray"
"is it over now do you you know how to pick up the pieces and go home"
I often find HUGE emotion and emotional connections to songs......
Like GreenDay "give me novocaine"
"take away the sensation inside, the bittersweet migraine in my head....
i can't take this feeling anymore.
Give us all a kiss goodnight, and everything will be allright, just tell me that i won't feel a thing"
Hey, I can relate to drinking and cutting, especially after hard alcohol.
It looks like you have a great medical support system :)
Don't be sorry about your cutting. It happens there are always slip ups and cutting once doesn't mean that you are back sliding.
Stand strong.
My Pdoc informed me i was psychotic last visit, i had no idea.....i broke down a little talking to her after group today.....i can't cope, simply can't.
If i'm psychotic, should i be in the hospital? Ive been in over 10 times this year.
Tonight, i feel lost, out of control, I'm idealizing the temptation of suicide, lord knows there's enough meds around the house to OD AGAIN. But i'm trying to hold on, i see Pdoc on mon again, i think i'll tell her how bad things REALLY are, am a major mess, can't seem to get it strapped on tight anymore. And my worries about the plots against me are ruining my life, i almost can't leave the house, for fear of someone breaking in and planting MORE cameras, and things like that, i'm being watched and recorded, and it's pushing me to the edge. I don't want to hurt my family, but if suic. is the only way out, i may have to consider it. For me, BEING is just too painful...i can't stand it, i can't cope, i just can't do this much longer.
People want to get me, and if i'm dead.....they can't. death is looking more and more like the thing to do. I'm going to tell my support team about this feeling, and see what they say....if i can make it to mon.....i pray i can.If i can just hold on till mon.....keep the blade away, the pills away, and just trudge through till when i see her.........maybe things will be allright???????????
you can make it. *hugs* i'm sorry things are so hard. definitely tell your doctors and case manager how things are going. i know the hospital sucks, i've been there 10 times myself. but if you need it, it's better to keep you safe. death isn't the only way out of this. i know it may not seem believable, but you never know when you'll find the right meds, or the right therapy, or just the right things to happen in your life where this will become more bearable. so try and hang in there. things will get better.
Well, either i have a superhuman sense of hearing, or i'm hearing voices again.....from across the road, but when i look, no one is there. My Pdoc says she is against hospitals....."people don't get better there" she says....knowing i am psychotic 90 percent of the time. Personally, i feel a week or 2 inpatient would do me some good, i'm noot afraid because iv'e been in so many times......they are usually understanding and kind.
I'm listening to "Lithium" by evanescence...alone. I could easily talk myself into cutting........but i just am so damn weaK i don't have the strength, i'm a wad of cookie dough. Ans everything reeks, my dog got into it with a skunk, even the incence doesn't cover it completely, we got her a special bath at petsmart....she doesn't stink, just everything else.
Lithium.........i was on that by age 12. Pdoc has me mostly on zyprexa along with other support meds, just tapering off invega. Have run the gauntlet with meds and options run thin.....hopefully, the right combo will reveal itself eventually....(please)....havr appt. with her on mon....am considering telling her how bad i really am.....idealizing suicide....she knows i'm cutting.......(along with the whole world since telling her)...
I just feel like in limbo.....tired of the voices.....the meds....just exausted usually. I know my mom is terrified i'm going to leave her the "present" i did last time......2 pints on the floor, and a policeman waiting to explain everything to her. I had cut REALLY bad, and was put inpatient after an amazingly fast amb. ride. (let us take a moment to remember those guys......the drivers and techs that are the reason alot of us are still here to talk about this stuff. thank you ambulance people, i'll always remember your kindness and for saving me so many times......keeping someone alive who doesn't want to live.....they deserve a medal for being there while your bleeding out drunk as hell at 3am.....thanks guys) I don't think thats how i want to go this time.....maybe walk in on my own 2 feet? If i go at all.
If i tell Pdoc how suicidal i really am she'll send me for sure. If i even tell her.....NOW i'm just rsmbling..........sorry, thanks for the kind replies.
Oh man, I can't imagine what you're going through.
Talk to your doctor. Keep listening to music, it has always been a comfort for me.
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
Yeah, thanks.....i believe i replied in your thread as well, music can make one happy or sad.....live greenday right now. I hope things are going well for you too......thanks for the kind thoughts.
well, last night i stared a journal.....it's been a week since i cut....iv'e been trying to be aware of those around me who need support as well, been trying to reply in those posts with the least replies. I know how that feels sometimes. I'm doing allright i guess, if anyone want to windows live chat i can be found at : mairs.unscarred@gmail.com just PM me and let me know to look for tou. I guess rgat's it for now, going to reply in other's posts some more.
