Do you ever stop grieving for the childhood you never had - a childhood without abuse and extreme isolation?
How do you ever stop grieving for the childhood you never had?
Will that child-mind within me ever stop wanting what she never had?
How can I hold onto the reality of the present without drowning in the shadow-legacy of a wounded past?
I'm not sure, Katie. They say grieving is a process to be worked through, don't they. I imagine it can take a long time, because the trauma lasted for a long, long time. But it's like a lot of things; when we begin to feel truly safe, strong enough to be able to nurture our own selves and to know that there will be people there to hold us, people who care and will be there to listen, when our inner-mums are fully developed, that the pain won't be so raw anymore.
I don't think we'll ever stop wanting what we didn't have. But I think we can reach a stage where that wanting doesn't hurt so much anymore. Times when we will remind ourselves that our pasts have made us who we are today - strong, intelligent, courageous, sensitive, compassionate and so on. Maybe when things feel safer and more comfortable and reliable, we will see that the people we have become are a testament to our hard work and bravery. I guess that all sounds a bit ideal when you're feeling fragile and hurt. But try to know how amazing and loved you are.
I've moved forward some now in accepting and allowing. It's going to be quite a journey. Eye opening. There will probably be lots of tears - which is good really.
I never thought about needing to grieve for my childhood. I had to grow up quickly when mum went and became the mum for my younger sister. Aswell as being a mum to her, I had to protect her from many things including my dad's suicide threats, violence, etc. I grew up, too soon perhaps, was always sensible and responsible and then a few years back, it all exploded. Maybe I need to think about this more - hmm.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I think that when i am stronger i will also try and integrate my childhood with my adulthood. It's the only way to make sure you get some fun out of life. I don't think I will ever stop mourning for my childhood.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
I'm updating my emotional experience of this in my thread in Serious here.
In my case, it wasn't so much that I grew up too soon. It's more that my childhood was empty. However I did also do my best to protect mum from dad. But because I was desperate to keep mum for myself, and because I was desperate for dad to show he loved me... this didn't work. As an emotionally immature child I had no conception of my parents having a relationship with each other. I was more concerned with trying to feel safe and to not be abandoned by either of my parents.
More questions -
- How can you even grieve for something you never had? How do you grieve a lack of safety when you never had a concept of what safety was? It's heart-breaking.
- How to hold the space of allowing the grieving, and to combat that part of my mind that says I have no right to grieve, as its not a real loss?
You can grieve for something you never had, because knowing what you know now you would have wanted that.
I think you need to think about how you would feel if someone else expressed the same thoughts. You have a lot of compassion for others, I can see that in your posts, but you have to allow yourself to be compassionate in your own case. You don't have to grieve, however you have the right to. Every child has the right to grow up in a caring, safe and secure environment and you didn't have that. Nowadays emotional neglect is classified as being as important as any other form of abuse. You have every right to be upset and to mourn because it is a loss you experienced. As for how to go about it, I don't know but acknowledging it seems like an important first step, so I am sure you are on the way to achieving this.
xxx
I sometimes feel like that. I wasn't abused but I was very isolated and never allowed to participate in activities most children and teenagers find a part of growing up. I sometimes feel that is a loss. I think you just have to come to accept it's made you YOU. and that you won't get it back but you can make up for it now by living your life to the fullest.
I have struggled with this as well, especially as that emptiness doesn't really get recognised as abuse by others, even though it takes over everything, your whole sense of yourself. The 'active' abuse is what people can understand and be supportive about (I'm not saying that 'active' abuse is easy to deal with!), the gaps don't really get validated by others. So it's difficult to recognise and validate for myself.
Do you ever stop grieving for the childhood you never had - a childhood without abuse and extreme isolation?
How do you ever stop grieving for the childhood you never had?
Will that child-mind within me ever stop wanting what she never had?
How can I hold onto the reality of the present without drowning in the shadow-legacy of a wounded past?
My Gods. I've been wondering the exact same thing. I can't seem to stop grieving for the little me and all that was lost and will never come back to me. I actually think most of my problems stem from this. My need to have that which was taken away from me (and the realization that I never will) is precisely what brings me down and breaks my heart. I's hard to reconcile this feeling of extreme need with the reality of the fact that you can't satisfy such a need anymore.
I completely understand you.
"...that incremental suicide of turning your life into a dream, to make being awake as similar to sleep as possible. Drowsily, lazily, dry-mouth your way through the day's ceremonies, fumble your way back into the dew-bather you never really left, draped in brown, brown now all around, the haze!" - Russell Brand on drug addiction.
"Si ma êkh gûndo piyiamásko...ándo bírto barruno. Bírto, bírto barruno."
Candy Tetris
Mahjong
Othello
Mumu
