I don't know what I'm doing here, what I'm even writing.. I just need something, I don't know what. I'm so confused.
I've gone from one extreme to another (well not for most people, but definitely for me). I can't cope with it yet I want it even more?? I want to go out all the time. I want to see people. I want to get my life back. They're all good things, and I feel extremely desparate for them. But I feel so scared and little and vunerable now, like I'm faking all of this. Like I am a fake person. Unreal, even. Like I've suddenly stepped into new territory and I'm alone and unsafe.
I'm turning all the good things to bad.
I haven't been suicidal in ages and nobody would guess now (I think). I'm not depressed.. I'm just overwhelmed, totally overwhelmed.
I don't know if I would say I was suicidal. I have thoughts. I'll never carry them out. I don't think. But I am gonna crack sometime... I can feel it, and I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm shit scared. So angry at people, at myself, so paniccy.
I see my new psych Tuesday for the first time. It's strange.. normally I can talk about things okish. But I feel strangely guarded. This post is rather vague. I can't expose myself. I want to but something's stopping me and I can't work it out. My mind is not letting me think properly.
I need a hug. I'm sorry.
Miranda. x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
*cuddles* I'm sorry you're feeling this way hun, it's good that you want to get your life back but that in itself is terrifying when you've spent so long hiding away from things.
I'm glas to hear you don't plan to carry out the suicidal thoughts you're having hun, please try and keep hold of that.
Perhaps you're feeling so overwhelmed because you've tried and thought about grabbing life back and that's too quick and too much for you to handle right now? That's ok hun, perhaps take things one little step at a time?
It's good you've got an appointment with your new psych, remember that it's your first appointment so it's ok to be reserved, you're not expected to open yourself up completely in your first session hun. Talk about what you feel comfortable talking about, and let the psych know what you're not comfortable with yet, they'll understand hun.
Please take gentle care of yourself
Xxxx
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
*huggles tight* do you know whats triggered this change hun?
I agree with tormented, just take things one step at a time and dont push yourself too hard. Its fab you are going out and getting your life back - thats a really positive step. But dont rush, things sometimes take time to settle and sort themselfs out.
xxxxxxxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Thank you so so much you two for your understanding, and for the hugs. *hugs back*
It's been my choice to actively choose to try and change things.. just a fed up-ness of hospital and ill-life, and now how ironic I'm scared I'll end back there if things keep going that way.. and I haven't been out long - about two weeks. :( What a failure. I believe I have an illness but I also believe I am stupidly weak and not strong enough to cope. I have so many regrets and I've spoken about this with an awful lot with people and I just can't seem to get over it. It's a real reoccuring theme.
I can't stop crying. I've cried for so long today. I don't know who to talk to. I'm at a loss.
I've decided I'm going to call my support worker tomorrow morning (my CPN is off unfortunately) cause I'm desperate and hope I can explain things ok. I tend to jumble my words up or play down my problems cause I'm scared of being overdramatic. Though really I don't want some professional person telling me the right answers and such, I want to just talk about how I'm feeling with somebody who truly does care about me.
I'm getting quite bitter and jealous which really doesn't help how I see myself when everything I say and think is nasty.
Plus I'm having a bit of a situation with a sort of ex of mine. I don't want to go into it here, I feel quite stupid and uncomfortable, and also guilty, but it really doesn't help. And I'm the 'bad guy' there too.
I think you're very right in suggesting slowing things down. But my mind is really fighting that thought. It's crazy. I'm going a little too fast. I should be able to control all this. I will still meet up for coffee with a couple of friends but perhaps lay off going to see some bands and other stuff.
I feel like walking out of the house tonight, just going for a long walk in the dark but that would be unsensible and unsafe and end in drama so I will be here instead. I hope I can sleep. Don't think I will, even though I'm exhausted.
x
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I'm sorry things are hard right now. I think it's great, really great that you're trying so hard to change things. And you're right that the things you want to be doing are all good. But you're also right that you need to slow down a bit. I guess maybe now that you're out of hospital, it's tempting to just want to throw yourself into life and I can understand that you're feeling a bit out of control. Maybe try to take a step back, think about what you want long-term, and remind yourself that it takes time to recover and to re-adjust to doing all these things. Slowing down a bit would be better for you in the long run. Maybe sit down and re-assess how much you are up to doing at the moment, realistically, and make plans from there.
Calling your support worker sounds like a good idea. If you're worried that you won't be able to explain properly, could you maybe make a bullet point list of what you want to say before you call, so you can use it as a prompt for yourself? I don't think it's the case that they don't care about you, but I understand what you mean. Either way, it's good to have professional help, but is there also someone you can just chat with about how you're feeling, a friend or someone?
I hope you do manage to get some sleep tonight. I don't know about you but I find that being on the computer is the worst thing when I need to sleep; it usually helps more to go curl up and watch a film, read, have a hot drink. Even if you don't feel like it to start with. I hope you find something that helps, anyway.
Take care of yourself *hugs*. Here if you need to talk or anything xx
I think speaking to your support worker is a good idea hun, perhaps if you feel uneasy you could print off this post and show it to them? Get the ball rolling so to speak?
I think laying off os going to see the bands is also a good idea hun, just ease yourself in with a few meet up with friends, maybe a quiet movie night and things? I know it's hard and you just want to get back into things, but it's ok to take things slowly. It doesn't make you a failire or weak or anything like that. It just means you've had a hard time and need to be a bit gentle with yourself is all =)
Everyone regrets things hun, if you talk to an 80 year old woman she probably wouldn't know where to begin with the regrets she has. It doesn't mean she had an unhappy life. Sometimes it takes us a while, but learning to understand and learn from what we regret is a huge part of recovery. It won't happen over night hun, but it will happen.
Also, people do get bitter and they do get jelous. These aren't "bad" emotions or thoughts, they are honest ones. Don't beat yourself up for emotions, they are things we can't control hun.
I hope you feel better soon, take gentle care of yourself
Xxxx
You see a mouse trap
I see free cheese
And a ****ing challenge
I just want to say thank you both. I've decided to go and curl up somewhere cosy for the moment.
Love. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
*hugs*
I do see where you're coming from, sweetie.
Please tell your new psych exactly how you're feeling hun.
Maybe writing everything will down will help you think straight?
Hope you're alright. xo.
My support worker rang me earlier on today before I built up the courage and she's going to see me on Thursday. We didn't really talk about anything though. I found it so hard to butt in and say my bit - I think she was in a hurry to get off the phone.
I have friends. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. Some of them seem not to want to know anymore. It's like I've changed and they don't like the new me.. I have changed, I think, but I don't know how or in what ways.
Some of them I have recently been in touch and from what I can see, which may or may not be deceptive but I think it's true, they're having a ball of a time and I'm just a little idiot on the side. I feel non-important. I'm so needy. I need constant reassurance. It's like needing people to tell me it's ok to eat all the time - now I need them to tell me I am ok as a person, and that is totally unfair on them.
If I distance myself from people, I could lose that neediness? (Something I hate hate hate about myself) Is that crazy thinking?
The people I do get on with I honestly can't talk to cause they're not well themselves. I still feel alone. Stupid, self absorbed me.
There's a few people on here. I don't know.
Writing is a great idea. I will try to do some tonight. My mum is kinda helping me with that. Just writing random shit. I need to think about what I say when I see the psych tomorrow. I've heard he's good. I'm so scared that they'll put me in hospital if I tell the truth. Not because I think I need to be there but because they seem to be very cautious with me because I deteriorate quickly, I guess.
You know, I'm reminded so much of my very first overdose. That feeling of not belonging. Of being a total outsider. The fact that nothing is constant, ever. And that 'bad' seems to be the soil of all life and the 'good' are flowers, plants. But that the soil never disappears, it will always be there. And it's the truth, the essence of this world. And when things are good, I'm not living in the truth. I'm dancing about with fucking fake fairies. Does that make sense? It's madness. And that's exactly what the first CAMHS worker told me. That I was being stupid.
I couldn't explain it, couldn't put things into words.
Thing is, I want a great, amazing life. And when I don't get that, I give up. I don't see the inbetweens. I saw a friend for coffee today. And afterwards I felt even worse. It was ok. She's not the easiest person to talk to in the world but a good egg for sure. But I just left and felt so utterly empty. Useless. It was meant to be good.
It amazes me how this world is a creation of your own. My world is a million miles away from hers - how she sees it I mean. Is this the key? To change how you see it? Or to accept it? Or to just live?
*poss self harm trigger*
I ended up cutting last night. I don't consider myself a self-harmer, but not recovered either which is kinda weird. I 'let it go' a while ago and just without knowing said to myself 'do it if you want' and that freed me up to not, in a strange way. But last night I just did not know what to do with myself. Found myself pacing around and, yeah.. It's in a visible place which I'm so mad at myself for. I didn't care. I don't want attention, I'm pretty sure. I wasn't thinking. Caught up in it all.
I hope the rational side of me that's writing this will stay. I still have thoughts about suicide. When I'm like this I'm ok. I hope nothing happens to change my impulsiveness. :(
I hope those emotions aren't necessarily bad. (The jealousy, etc) I'm trying to trust you, I don't trust my own judgement!
Hope you're all ok. *hugs* A huge thank you. Sorry this has turned out so long.
Love. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Recovery can feel so threatening to that part of you that is trying to protect you from pain, and yet paradoxically it attacks all goodness, and leaves you feeling unprotected. I'm facing similar feelings right now.
For what it's worth, I think you express yourself amazingly well. I am sorry that you're struggling though.
I can relate so, so much to constantly needing to be reassured, and to feeling like your friends are having a wonderful time and you're kind of, left behind. It's okay to need reassurance sometimes, everyone does. The thing is, distancing yourself from people won't make that go away - it will just reinforce the feelings that you're no good, that you're alone. But it won't stop you needing reassurance. Try to learn to be able to give that to yourself, perhaps. You are an okay person, more than okay from what I can see; tell yourself that. Learn to find things that you appreciate about yourself. It takes time, I know, but you'll get there. You certainly deserve to.
Try being as honest as you can with the psych. People can only help if they know what's going on, right? If you're concerned about going back to hospital, and you don't feel like you need to, then perhaps try to discuss those concerns? I hope it goes well for you. Oh, and writing things down is a great idea, and it's lovely that your mum is helping with that.
Take care of yourself, lovely. Let us know how it goes with the psych. xx
So scared, so scared. I'm setting off soon. I don't think I want to have my mum in there, that will be ok. I have no idea how long I'm seeing him or what his job is really. Well I know but I worry that I'm going to talk about all the wrong things. I've got a little, really messy, scribbled-out list, hehe, to try keep me on track.
That makes sense, Katie, thank you and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing.
And thank you, Hannah. Your reply made me smile and I'm taking it on board.
Love. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
It was alright. He seemed fine, easy to talk to. I said I'd rather not have anything prescribed to 'calm me down'. And we just talked quickly about my past and recent admissions. And then he had a quick chat with my mum but basically a lot was 'you've got your whole life ahead of you' and 'change is hard' and stuff like that. If I'm going to be totally honest, I do feel a little invalidated but I don't think I asserted myself enough.
He's going to refer me on to art therapy, which I'm pleased about. He treated me like how I wanted to be which is important too.
I saw my friend today. I didn't realise how good it felt to be normal and chat about normal stuff in coffee shops and parks and not be on the edge of tears all the time and laugh and all the million other things. Wow. But when I got home I felt so empty. Do you think this is normal? I seem to crave attention (?), I'm not sure, something - all of the time. Like, constantly. Care, the feeling that people do care. I'm a very hug-y person. I don't cope well with my own company, though I spend a fair bit of time alone, it always fills itself up with 'bad thoughts'.
It's a horrible emptiness that I'm dying to fill. My fear also is this is what takes me into mania and.. psychotic experiences.
Oddly, I can find things about myself that I like but I rely on other people to confirm these qualities. So, if someone asks me what I like I'll say that I care about people, then my mind will straight away come up with someone saying (not audibly) that it's rubbish and giving all sorts of examples of how I don't care.
I find it extremely hard to balance accepting other peoples opinions of myself but not letting them rule me.
It's late and I'm tired but I hope it's ok to kinda keep this thread going for a bit just to.. y'know.
God, it stings. The psych said to ring the samaritans or someone (if it's out of hours) and I feel bad and need to talk and I really would but I'm kind of tired and rather oddly for me, I had a bit to drink this evening.
Love. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I'm glad it went alright. If you don't feel you asserted yourself enough, just make note to work on that for next time. Art therapy sounds great, though, really hope it helps :)
About getting home and feeling empty - yes, totally normal. Or at least not uncommon. I can really relate to that; I'll be fine as long as I'm out, with people, doing things, but the minute I get in and I'm on my own, I'll feel absolutely awful. I'm trying to work on enjoying my own company, and keeping the time that I do spend on my own busy and 'useful'. Like, I've started jewellery making, and I want to pick up some other hobbies that I can do on my own in my spare time. It helps, a bit. If I'm at home, then just spending time with my parents can make a difference. Other than that, I don't know. But it's horrible, and I hope you do find something that helps.
I'm sorry I don't have a whole lot of useful things to say. I'm hope you're alright and taking care of yourself, though. Oh, and keeping this thread going is a good idea, especially if it helps you to get things out. Take care love xx
I am glad that is somewhat normal. Also, I've read about people on here that have had art therapy and it seems to be a good thing! There are things I am looking forward too and they are keeping me going, thank God. College tomorrow night, I am slightly worried that I am out of my depth.
I don't have any energy today. I think I could easily fall asleep. I've been playing the same song for an hour now. Time to move on, Disney I think. Feel a bit deadish. I'm still deciding whether to go to my drama-ry group today, well it starts in half an hour and I haven't had a shower or gotten dressed. I've binged too which I'm mad at myself for. I was starting to believe in myself - that I could overcome the eating disorder. It's a knock. :(
I think what you said about occupying myself with something is good. Unfortunately, I'm not a very practical person.. I'll try have a think about that one.
I'm a really talky person with my family - but they're often tired, which makes me mad and then sets up that spiral of anger.
You are very useful, seriously, I think few people realise how much it means to me just to have someone to bounce things off and chat and get kind words and support, etc.
xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Heya Hun, Haven't spoken to you in ages.
I am sorry to hear that you are finding it hard right now.
I don't know what to say, I'm not in a good place.
But, I have read what your saying and I think you are actually doing really well.
You can do this Miranda!
And good luck with the Art therapy.
Leighxxx
Life can be beautiful if you let it.
Step back, breathe and take it in
Thanks Leigh, I'm sorry that you're in a bad place at the moment. I'm thinking of you, chickadee, and thank you for taking the time to reply and the encouragement. :)
The first session of the course actually went well -even with her referring to 'mad' people a lot - and seeing my support worker did as well. She was lovely in fact, spent a good hour with me, listening. We talked about how I am consumed by things.. it takes over my mind and gets bigger and bigger. How I need to contain it somehow, which means building more structure in my life, but things that have purpose, perhaps goals of what you want out of it. It sounds so structured and I don't like that but she reassured me it wasn't.
I realised that I am scared to let go of my feelings. I don't want to let go of the 'truth' however bad it is. I think there will nothing be left of 'me' if I abandon (though she didn't use that word) my emotion and hurt and pain.
Which she understood. But asked me: 'Does all this make you happy?' 'Do you want to be happy'
I want to be happy-happy-happy-woo-bouncing-off-clouds, not average - which to me actually feels unhappy. I feel lost then. No path, no nothing.
I was going incredibly fast the last two nights and had to take a lorazepam, I couldn't stand it anymore. So that knocked me out for a while - it usually does. :(
Got a busy time now but I think I can cope. xx
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
I made a doctors appointment - well, I still have to ring back for confirmation but yeah, I just did it, without even stopping to think - cause I know if I did that, there'd be no chance of me picking up the phone. My doctor (GP) is ever so nice and gentle. But she has known me when I was significantly underweight a few years back as well, so I'm scared she'll be judging me. Hardly any people saw me like that, (various reasons mainly I thought I was the most hideous creature) so I don't have that problem so much, and when it crops along - bam. I get so nervous.
From what you said, Hannah, about occupying myself I've started cutting out pretty pictures and printing out nice emails, etc, just because it feels nice.. maybe a purpose will develop itself, maybe not. And making cards, though that's going slowly. :)
BUT I want to hurt myself real bad. There, I said it. It doesn't make sense, does it? The words come back.. (Something a woman said to me) Can't write them, even though I said that I don't believe what she said, when I'm in my own company it makes perfect sense cause there's no one to back me up. I can almost hear people laughing at me from here..
The Mole was bewitched, entranced, fascinated. By the side of the river he trotted as one trots, when very small, by the side of a man who holds one spell-bound by exciting stories; and when tired at last, he sat on the bank, while the river still chattered on to him, a babbling procession of the best stories in the world, sent from the heart of the earth to be told at last to the insatiable sea.
Wind in the Willows.
Well done for making the doctors appointment. Be proud of yourself! And I'm absolutely sure that she won't be judging you. It's her job not to judge you, and you said yourself that she's really nice, so I'm sure she wouldn't even think to. Also, if you're a healthier weight now (?), the only thing that she'll think about it is that it's a good thing. I know it must be tough, but try not to worry too much. I hope it goes well.
Cutting out pictures and printing emails and such sounds like a good idea, I do that sometimes, I have a whole folder full of lovely emails and PMs that people have sent me and nice pictures up on my wall. You could try scrapbooking or something, maybe. And making cards sounds like fun, I wish I was creative enough to do stuff like that!
Sweetie, I don't know what was said to you but I'm sorry it's making you feel so bad. There are always horrible people who say horrible things, but you don't deserve to be believing them. Could you try to rationalise, remind yourself why it isn't true? Or just do something nice to take your mind off it.. I wish I could say something to help, but I hope you're feeling better about it soon. Please don't hurt yourself because of it. And if you do want to talk / need reassurance, we're all here.
