i dont want to die

[falling tears]

Im scared, im worried that God has given up on me, and Im worried that ive done so many things wrong that i just cant repent the sins away, the guilt is horrendous... i am too ashamed of what i have done so I wont say, because i know that once i do i will have no one.

Im going into hospital on monday to have a procedure, im having an endoscopy and colonoscopy, im so scared of being touched, i will be sedated as it is not a routine test as the tubes are longer and the surgeons will be taking away part of my intestines, to test them for problems. im worried that something is really wrong with me...

Im worried That im going to die...i know that thats drastic, but since recovering form suicide attempts and suicidal feelings, i am now scared of death (i know that id go to hell), and something about me has changed i just feel ill and wrong all over , im scared something is really wrong...

I just want to be well. but im scared that because of who i am that will bever happen.

[PassedExpectations]

You can be well....
Have you talked to a priest or pastor about your fears? mine told me to look up this one section of the bible where it said that basically as long as you asked forgiveness, you would recieve it... can't remember the exact words though.
*hugs*
I hope it all turns out fine.

[Shenanigans]

I'm not very religious hun, though I can understand what you're saying. It's ok to be scared when we're unwell hun, especilly when we have to go through treatments and tests to figure out what's wrong. Have you talked to anyone about what's happening? Told a friend/family member or someone trusted about your fears? Sometimes just opening up and saying to someone "I'm scared" can make you feel better, having someone know and look after you.
Try and keep in your mind that it's better to have this test and know what's going on than to feel unwell and have no idea what to do.
I really hope you feel better soon
Xxx

[falling tears]

Thanks .Ive tried and tried to ask for forgivness, but i dont feel forgiven in my heart, and Im constantly worried and scared something awful is going to happen, like when i go outside when its dark I always picture somebody about to shoot me in the head, so I have to rush back in an lock all the doors, I worry that when I go to sleep someone is going to break in and kill or hurt us, and i cant do anything to save anyone apart from just stay awake all night until exaustion takes over.

i also wonder why im so so scared , and why from a child I had it hard with sexual abuse and bullying, i did all I could for others and i tried so hard to forgive everyone, and everything and to see the good in people as I had god with me, and wanted to show him i wasnt nasty, but I feel so nasty.

Im so scared about the test, i dont want tp be exposed i hate being touched... i cant let anyone touch be, last time the doctor touched my tummy I had a huge panic attack and it took a long while to get over it, so how am i going to come with these tests?

I really need to calm down but i just dont know how!