Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - i remember

[open scar]

I remember being held against the floor...
i remember struggling for breath with a heavy weight on top of me...
I remember screaming in pain,
i remember being ripped apart...
i remember being punched into the concrete,
I remember all the lies I told to hide it,
I remember the threats he gave,
I remember closing my eyes unable to move,
I remember floating over the situation.
I remember loosing my innocence as a small child...
I remember the smile on his face and the anger in his eyes...
I remeber the grooming... the love he gave to begin...
I remember the hatred in his eyes alos, if he didnt get what he wanted...
i remember being locked in with just him an I...
I remeber how weak i was and how stupid i was....

I dont want to remeber it anymore! I dont want to remeber those 8 years of pain... i cant cope with it....

An now even though its stopped i cannot trust anyone and not even myself....

i feel like there is still part of him inside me and i cant stop the abuse i give myself... with words, thought and actions

i dont want to be like this but i just feel its what im here for... im just a disaster a evil mistake...

An the same thing thats keeping me alive is killing me...an im scared

I love feeling the skin rip off my body, i love taking that odd extra pill im now addicted to that odd extra pill... and more.

i love throwing everything i consume, i love bleeding myself....

An i am stuck!

i dont know what to do anymore

i just cant

[Sometimes Crazy]

Hey honey,

Is it okay to cuddle you? If you don't want to be touched, that's alright, sometimes when we feel really scared and hurting we don't want touch. Even cyber cuddles.

I know how painful it can be to remember things like sexual abuse and how we can end up turning those feelings in on ourselves, like how you're describing. What you've been through sounds horrific and really frightening to remember - how do you feel right now? Sometimes making that emotional connection with what happened, instead of trying to escape it with self harm and tablets, can be part of taking that first step to escaping. Maybe you could tell us a little about how all this is making you feel?

It can be hard to do that, but remember, you're safe now and we're here listening to you and you can tell us as much or as little as you want. It's okay to talk now, you don't have to lie or hide.

My PM box is always open if you need a chat in private, I know these things are very private. Take care of yourself, sweetheart.

X

[Chloé-Kiana]

Awwww huni , *hugs* (if you want them)...Pm me if you wish, i understand how you feel, im in the exact same boat ...i wish that there was a way that everybody could just understand how these thinsgh can make a person feel...but when people do understand i dont like that either..i feel like a bother to even talk to people about it..which is one of the reasons RYL is so great ...in my opinion...talking about something is important ...altho i know its alot easier said than done because i still havnt taken my own advice yet lol, the memorys are painful and the flash backs are brutal...but hun, thats just what we have to go through on a day to day basis..if you want to talk, if you feel it may make it easier, im here x

xChloéx

[open scar]

'cries'... thank you, very much and a cyber hug would be lovely...

i dont know... i just feel in a rutt and I just dont know what to do about it at all... im so stuck, and then i get the hugest panics because i am so stuck and i dont see me going anywhere! An then i just cut and cut until im numb.... or ready to sleep...

i JUST HATE THIS SO MUCH, I dont think i will ever get through it an im scared. my sleeping pattern isnt good as I am starting to get even worse ocd with locking the doors and having to face near the front door when im asleep. I feel on gaurd the whole time an its so exausting. i cant sleep because the position i have to face is uncompfortable and i wake up worring or hearing things, things that are normal but I always think someone is outside trying to get in.

I dont really know how to cope with it. Ive stopped seeing therapists as my family do not agree with therapy very much.

But its just so hard to do it alone and im constantly drained, i cant even function at work... i feel safe there and because of that my exaustion takes over and i end up in a daze for the whole shift which the manager has picked up on.

Im sorry for ranting so much but i feel so helpless,

i just dont know what the next step is.