Triggering (Suicide) - wish me luck

[earthbound_misfit]

Im going to find out about a job now.
If I dont have it I dont see a way out.
If I do have it it means I can do some awesome stuff and not put off other awesome stuff.
I wish small things didn't make such a huge difference and **** up my life by going wrong.
My mum hates me, everything I do im in the way, everything is wrong, im shaky and on edge around her, im always a failure to her, yet its probly her whos made me have MH probs before and so fail at stuff. And then she says I make her feel bad! Huh! Nothing is good enough, Im supposed to be starting nurse training next year (a nice stable sensible thing as opposed to be often unemployed, then when I do have a job going travelling with the money - most parents would be pleased) and she says she thinks im not suited to it and should do arty stuff!! I pointed out that I dont have the drive to make a living from it especially as its so competitive, most artists are poor etc but she doesnt care. Its awful, its like I cant achieve anything, unless im rich and famous. I wish I was dead, and I cant even explain cos my uncle has cancer atm and so wishing I was dead is a not-allowed thought. The only reason im not killing myself is cos of my dad (its his brother whos ill) and lil bro whos awesome, my sister also apparently hates me. I have to live with folks for a bit due to money, so im stuck somewhere I dont like with no friends its so hard, if I dont get the money together in time itll all be a pointless sacrifice moving here. Im so frightened and feel so awful I wish theyd leave me alone, I have no life, no friends im so alone AND THEY DONT ****ING GET IT!!! they just say 'at least u got a roof over ur head'. Well id rather I didnt, and had friends and stuff instead. Theres no one I can talk to cos if I tell the MH ppl here how I feel they send ambulance and my mum goes mad.
sorry for being so crap I just dont know what to do, I try to live so I can be happy and keep going but my plans get ****ed up

[realflifefaerie]

Hope this morning went ok.

Nurse training sounds like a good path to follow and if it's what you want to do go for it, you could always do arty things on the side if you wanted too.

It's hard feeling alone, could you try looking for some voluntary work related to nursing so you have some experience, it'll look both good on your cv and allow you to meet people.

Around if you want to talk.

xxx

[~Kaytee~]

Oh parents not understanding etc is not cool. I understand coz growing up it felt like nothing was good enough for mine either no matter what I did or what I did achieve. Anyways.. good luck with the job hunting! Sounds like you have a good plan ahead of you so I hope you can find one soon! All the best for it and look after yourself. Hope things look up for you xx

[Sigma]

if nursing's what you want then go for it... it actually allows you loads of different careers, not necessarily working on a ward/in a Drs unless you want to. Some of them (e.g. learning disability nurse) could include using the arts. Have you thought about occupational therapy? Might be a good way of combining your artisitic and nursing interests?

anyway, i know how hard it is when someone like your Mum (who should be your biggest support) is so undermining. It won't last forever, please believe that