Triggering (SI/Suicide) - Advice please...

[canitbetrue]

I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder a few months ago by my psychiatrist after nearly 7 years of mis-diagnosis and doctors saying it could be this or that. I have also discovered the underlying reason as to why I feel the way I do and although I am not able to come to terms with it yet, it haunts me wherever I go.

Up until June I was working full time in a call centre and was able to bury my head in my work but unfortunately it has become increasingly difficult to just put on a brave face and say that everything is 'ok' when I am tearing apart inside. My doctor has been signing me off on a 2 week basis and it keeps being renewed each time I go back, so I have been off work now for over 3 months.

To be fair, my employers have been pretty good but I had a meeting with them 4 weeks ago and they gave me 8 weeks to be back at work or I would be dismissed. They have offered for me to go back on part time hours and gradually increase it, but I just don't feel able to hold a job down. I have another meeting with them tomorrow, which my psychiatrist is going to as well, at which they are going to review the situation and see if I am any closer to going back or not.

Since I have been off my self harming has worsened and I was in hospital a couple of weeks ago after taking an overdose (which work do know about). Just before I was signed off, I had started to self harm whilst I was at work and that was one of the main factors of me going to the doctor in the first place.

My psychiatrist is not pushing me to go back and only wants me to do so when I am ready and he said that he will go along with whatever I decide tomorrow, but the truth of the matter is, I really don't have a clue what to do.

My head is saying go back on part time hours and see how it goes, but my heart is telling me that if I go back I will just break down.

Money is starting to become an issue, as I live in a shared house and if I lose my job then I won't be able to stay here but then I hate living here so that won't necessarily be a bad thing, except I don't have anywhere else to go.

Some days I think I am well enough to go back, but the majority of the time I know deep down that I am not, whether I admit to it or not.

I know you can't tell me what to do or make the decision for me, but any advice would be much appreciated as I am really, really stuck.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I can't reply substantively right now but so much you said resonated with my own situation.

I will try and reply tomorrow.

[Merc]

I went thru similar, only the DX was actually a mis-DX but anyways...very similar.
I felt too that I should be able to manage the part-time and tried it rather than taking a longer leave and working on me.
A lot of it was due to guilt...'everyone else can manage, i should be able to as well' type thinking.
Take the time, concentrate on yourself.
Work will always be there, but you need to be well enough to manage it, not struggle day to day and eventually break down.
It isn't worth it.
If you can financially get by (with any benefits you are entitled to) then I would say take the break.
You can always cut it short if you and your psych feel you are ready sooner.
I didn't take the time I should have, went back and I completely fell apart.
I wish now I had done it differently...may have a better end result.
So, if you feel it would benefit you...don't hesitate or feel guilty or ashamed to take it.
Good luck.
Let us know what you decide.


(Some days I think I am well enough to go back, but the majority of the time I know deep down that I am not, whether I admit to it or not.
^^ going by what you said there...i think you know the best answer. Even tho it is hard to admit/accept)

[canitbetrue]

I had the meeting today. I met with my psych before hand and we discussed a battle plan so to speak. I have agreed to go back part time at the end of the month or the beginning of next depending on an Occupational Health consultation.

I have a horrible feeling though that I have made the wrong decision. Since I have come home I have almost been in a meltdown mode and don't understand why I have done this. I am seeing my psych again next week and think I will have to talk to him about in as I really feel like I can't do this.

I think I have followed my head without realising my heart knows me better than I think.

Thanks very much for your replies though.

[~Grace~]

This is really close to my heart.
I have bpd and have been off work for sometime now. Its getting to the stage where a decision has to be made as to whether I return on reduced hours or lose my job. My doctor has signed me off for a further two months as he doesnt deem me fit to return yet.

From my experience, previously I was off sick for two years and returned when I wasnt ready and after four months I had a breakdown at work. I want to ensure that this time I am really ready to work.

If you do return to work part time, be aware of how you feel, how it affects you...listen to your body and mind, and if it beomes too much know when to call it a day. Or use this opportunity to take a break and get yourself well and then make a fresh start.

Are you on any benefits that may help you with your accomodation etc?

xxxx

[canitbetrue]

No I am not on any benefits but I know there are some available if I do end up being unemployed.

I do think that I may have made the wrong decision as the slightest thing at the moment is setting me off and I know that at work it is stressful.

I just kind of put on my 'I'm ok, there's nothing wrong with me' head today and nearly managed to fool myself. At least I have a couple of weeks to see if I am ready to go back, so I suppose that is something.

Thanks for replying.

[Aubergine]

Sometimes, going back to work can actually help. I don't have BPD (I'm - apparently - schizoaffective), but working has really helped me. I've had to take time off, but I know that being in meaningful employment gives me a purpose and stops me from going downhill.

The psychs have said the same to me, that they'd do whatever I felt was comfortable, but I'm so glad I made the decision to go back to work. I was unemployed for about 3 months after I came out of hospital, and it did my self-esteem no good at all.

Could you go back part-time on a trial basis? If you don't cope, that's ok, but at least you will have tried it. I'm not saying it's easy (I spent a lot of time locked in the staff toilets for the first few months), but it might help in the long run.

I know it's hard, but try to switch the "I can't do it" thoughts around - you are capable; you've done it before. That doesn't mean that you don't struggle, or that you feel ok - you still need to recognise that things are difficult for you right now, but that doesn't mean it's impossible.

Can work make any reasonable adjustments for your return to work? Regular supervision, reduced responsibility etc?

*Hugs*