i'm feeling so very low at the moment.
things are hard. tough. and i wish so very much i could cope better with things.
i know i'm far away from i have been. i have my flat, my dogs...my own little 'family' for which i'm beyond grateful.
i don't quite know how to say how i feel
there are a few things..
i've never had a 'proper' family set up... and yet i still get those pangs...
i close my eyes and imagine having been warmly embraced, finding comfort...imagination can be cruel
when something is going horribly...
i'd just love to be able to call up my mum, receive guidance, support, understanding....even criticism.. i don't think i'd mind... i wish i'd ever had a mother like that... and while i'm feeling so open and exposed... i wish i had one.
i'm supposed to be grown... i'm supposed to be ok... i'm supposed to be all of these things.. i know that...
but sometimes, i'm just not.
There's lots going on at the moment which has touched many of my raw nerves... which sparked off this one in turn
falling off of everything... and am drinking (not much but more than i have been), smoking(far too much), SI'ing(discreetly) ...again.
I think it is fairly normal to want a maternal figure who you can turn to in your time of need. It must be hard to not have that. But as you said you have come far. Congratualte yourself on how far you have come. Do you have other people in your life that you can turn to for the same kind of support? I know its not the same but perhaps being able to confide your worries in someone you trust might help.
Being 'grown' doesn't mean you should no longer wish for compassion, for support. You need that no matter what age, or stage, you are at.
Do you have anyone you feel close to?
Is a therapist/psych/etc a possibility for you, as you say things are creeping up again...would it help to have someone to talk face to face with?
Keep talking here, if it helps. I know it isn't quite the same. At least ppl here will understand and give whatever support they can.
As said, remember to be very proud of how far you have come, it sounds like you have worked very hard. Don't lose sight of that.
Feel free to PM if you would like/need ok?
Thinking of you
xxx
*holds you close*
oh hunni, i feel like a little girl all the time. that vulnerable feeling where you just want to be wrapped in safety. you will be ok.
im so very proud of you becci. we've known each other for years and i have seen you come up from the depths of hell to a "life". hunni, that is amazing.
YOU are amazing and i LOVE you to pieces.
please try to stay safe.
loves.
xxxxx
A little Consideration, a little Thought for Others, makes all the difference.
thank you kim, irene, romp, rachel...
i'm ashamed and embarrassed
its so hard to describe the desperation inside of me
i feel myself falling, yet the further i go the better i am at hiding it.
the only person i have to share with on an everyday basis, i fear, just wouldn't have the time or wouldn't understand.... at least, they would, but not coming from me...
its hard to explain myself. coming from a place where i've never known better, i find myself wondering perhaps if i expect too much of the world.... if really its 'supposed' to have all this **** that i'm just ill equipt to handle alone.
i currently have no therapist... the one that would have been best for me fell through for reasons no fault of mine...and no one else will take me on as of yet. i'm aware that my complexities, the very things i need help with, stop me getting any help at all.
i know in myself that over the last few years ... where i am now, i never thought to be possible, and if you'd have told me so i'd probably not have believed you... that in itself gets me down...i feel so very desperate, yet having come 'so far', how much further is there?
every step i take, and yes its in the right direction... but i'm hit more and more by things i didn't even realise were hidden there.
i can feel myself ...i don't know if slipping backwards is the right thing to say... i'm not going backwards in the sense that the distance covered can't be lost... perhaps its just that old habbits die hard.
most of the day i can walk around like i've not a care in the world...or at least appear that way. i think i do a pretty good job on that front.
at night, alone, i sit and dream of death and self destruction... of all the things i've seen and done. the horrors of life..my life. i wait, i hide, and then i let myself cry. where no one can see or hear.
there is so much there...flashbacks are stronger...but not... its like i can sit and type here...or watch the tv, but all the time there are screams, pain, horror, ringing in my ears, flashing through my mind.i don't really know.
i so long to be held. to be comforted and loved. perhaps, like a child who doesn't have the toy their friend does, and is disappointed when they get one too and its not as good as it looked before... i am looking for unconditional love in a way simply never obtainable.
there is so much that has to be hidden, i fear no one will ever know me. i'm not even sure i do, and thus... how can i find such comfort?
perhaps i torment myself with ideas of compassion,warmth,nourishment.
its times when i sit and realise that i have so little understanding , and 'how far i've come' is all part of a highly functional masquerade that i really begin to so how little progress i have made at all.
But you have made progress an that progress should be celebrated. Time is a great healer. But in the mean time things do suck. But you know they can improve. Hold on to that thought.
Do you speak to a docotr an such about how your feeling? Can you maybe get some help with finding some sort of therapist again? I think you could do with more support than you are getting at present.s
