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the sh!!t hit the fan/breaking point
ive been having a lot of trouble. everything escaled this weekend, things were a little better monday and much better tues, but then i came crashing back down. I was super upset and felt completely out of control. I was emailing an old teacher(from high school, now a senior in college) i freaked her out. She made me call her, i guess i didnt convince her that i was safe enough cause she then called me mom, my mom called me hyterical..I talked to my mom, called the teacher back, talked to my brother. everyone knows everything. my mom knows how serious things have been which is good. they wanted me to go to a crisis center, but really thats not necessary once I blatently stated that I am not and never have been suicidal they calmed down a little. as much as all these convos sucked i know that this is a huge step in the right direction. i need more help that i have right now. i cant be this down all the time. I am either super happy or super not, there is never an in between, I cant go to grad school like this.
im not suicidal, but sometimes i worry that i will get to that place eventually. this weekend i felt so bad and so out of cool that if someone had suggested to go to a crisis intervention place i would have let them take me. it was that bad.
I saw my therapist for a short emergency session today. she is ging out of town for a week and thats a problem for me. i dotnt think i can deal with that. she made me promise to email her everyday, and we went over all the different emergency plans that i could follow through with. i promised her i would do so if i needed.
ugh im so emotionaly drained, i feel so raw and vulnerable. so much has happened over the last few days.
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