Triggering (Suicide/Sexual Abuse) - some encouragement?
it's been really hard recently, I started on ADs but they don't seem to have helped, and I guess I always had in the back of my mind that somehow they'd be a last resort and if I had to take them they would magically fix everything... but of course they haven't. don't want ot wake up every day
So now i struggle to get up and face every day, it seems so pointless and I have tried so hard for so long - I used to think if I tried hard enough for long enough then somehow I could get through this but I'm nearly 36 and still feel the same, I can't cope with people but can't cope on my own either.
Was talking today to a frined who is also a doctor & prescribing the ADs and is alos my boss (yep, pretty much every boundary blurred) and he was asking why I didn't want to see a counsellor, what I ws afraid of... so I told him about being sexually abiused (idk, perhaps that's too strong a way of putting it? I was over 16 and only 1 of them actually had sex with me and he didn't rape me, I could have said no) with 2 of the counsellors I saw in my teens. Anyway, telling him was sort of OK, I closed down (like I always do with emotional stuff) and couldn't really say any more.
But now I feel so bad, i sit here crying and want to hurt myself but I know from experience no matter how much i hurt myself it will never be enough. I can't see any way forward or any future for myslef no matter how much I try. i used to think that I didn't want ot let them win, but now it doesn't seem like taht any more, its not about winning or losing because its not even that personal, I was there and they took what they wanted but it wasn't aimed at hurting me, I was just in the worng place at the worng time, and anyway, the reason i was seeing the counsellors (well, one of them was my key worker in hospital not exactly a counsellor) was because I was screwed up and worthless anyway so it didn't matter if they did that, no-one else wanted me so why not?
Something really jumped out...you said, 'It wasnt aimed at hurting you'
Hun, rape (or 'molest', if you prefer that word) is all about being hurt, being overpowered, etc.
I know what i am trying to say and i cant get it out...sorry.
But it was meant to hurt you, humiliate you. Sadly, im pretty sure, from what you have said that yes, it was rape. And no, it is NOT your fault. I know how hard that guilt is to let go tho, i really do.
Sometimes, talking in person is too much to start off, do you have a couns. center you could call for the first while? Or email? Pls ask your friend (As a doc he should be aware of services).
The bit about your age and trying so hard for so long...i really really understand that feeling. Its horrible. Sorry, no advice there...im trying to figure this out too.
I had hopes of finding just the right med too. Thought it would all magically get better.
But it sounds like you have only tried the one so far? Not sure if thats right...sounded that way.
Altho no pill is going to take it all away, it is possible to find one(s) that will help you manage and with a good couns/therapist/ect. you can work on the rest.
Its frustrating, discouraging, and annoying trying med after med and feling more hopeless with each switch...but it can be possible to find one to help.
Pls dont give upi just yet. There are so many possibilities yet.
I hope you can try to talk to someone, i really do.
Keep posting here too, if it helps you ok??
thinking of you
romp
*hugs* hey hun, I am sorry to hear about what you've been through. And as Romp said, it was rape and it wasn't your fault at all. You've been carrying this a long time on your own, and it's good that you're starting to open up.
I don't have many words to offer, but I am thinking of you and sending you many hugs, please keep trying hun, keep fighting, things will get better.
Love you hun.
Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness.
Every act creates a ripple with no logical end. ~ Scott Adams
thanks guys... feel like I've been run over by a steamroller today but managed to get to work as there were a couple of difficult meetings and I didn't want to let people down, and have been busy so that helped...
i tried another AD years ago which also didn't help, then didn't try any others, I guess i also thought if I tried hard enough for long enough i could somehow fix myself
rape, idk, it wasn't anything illegal (or so I was told by a psychiatrist who assessed me after one overdose at the time) because I was over 16 so it was up to me to say 'no' and I didn't, I guess I've been thinking about it more recently again though, I googled the counsellors name and it came up that he's in a fostering magazine as a case study because he's fostering teenagers. What if he does it to any of them too? or perhaps it was my fault somehow and they'll be all right. idk.
the person who did that to you is a counsellor?! I hope ive read it wrong/misunderstood...but i dont hink so.
As to what the psych said; he is an asshole, sorry. Non consentual sex, despite age, IS illegal. What an utterly rude, ridiculous, mean thing for him to have said. That quite pissed me off, tbh.
Could you discuss this with your friend? I think someone needs to be aware of this, i really do. For the sake of the kids he is now involved with.
As to the meds...were the two you tried in the same class? (ie; ssri's, etc) That may be the problem. Some ppl find one ssri doesnt work, yet they are switched to another and it does. But some find no help within a specific class.
It can take so long and you really need a doc who knows meds, listens to you and will try to find what will work. Its taken me nine years to finally find a good doc, so it all begins again.
Would you be willing to try another med?
Its so frustrating tho, i know.
I keep thinking i should be able to 'fix' myself too...you're not alone there.
But you have started to take the first steps, keep going.
Really try to find someone you can talk to.
Would you consider calling a helpline of sorts? They dont know you, you dont even have to call again if you dont want. But perhaps the anonymity will allow you to open up without putting too much pressure on yourself.
Let us know how you are when youcan
Thanks Romp, it doesn't help that internet at work is constantly down at themoment and my connection at home sometimes doesn't like RYL...
yes the guy was a counsellor, well, a nurse in the psych hospital who was my key worker and then did follow up when I left the hospital, this is all back in the UK not where I live now and more than 15 years ago. I don't think there's anything i can do about him and the teenagers, i can't prove anything and anyway, i don't want to be the one who ends up 'on trial' which i would be if i said anything, and i wouldn't know who to tell and just don't want to go through all that
but my friend here is looking into where I could go now for support (from a woman...) and there are some support groups but i don't think i can handle a group. not sure if i can handle one-to-one either, i just stare into space
its weird i'm walking round in a sort of daze, i hear all this normal sounding stuff coming out of my mouth in meetings but somehow my mind doesn't seem to be producing it or registering it, but I know I'm not talking rubbish (haha, well, no more than usual, no-one is looking at me in a funny way), its not as if i'm thinking about anythign else its all just a blank except everythign hurts
hey hun, sorry I haven't messaged sooner, I havent been around on RYL much recently, sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much recently, sending you lots and lots of love and hugs. I've just deleted a huge long message for you which is highly frustrating :P
You haven't been on meds very long and sometimes they take a while to work, have you spoken to your boss about changing them to another type of AD? Also my doctor said that she didn't want to give me ADs unless I was also going to a counsellor as she believed that just going on ADs would only make things slightly easier and not cure anything. I just want to say don't give up, keep trying.
There is no miracle cure, I don't know if there's such a thing as being "better" or being "happy" I think that happiness is when the little moments that make you smile happen a little more often and the moments that make you sad a little less often. It's about appreciating the moments that make you smile even if it's just a tv program, a song or a chat with a friend and concentrating on those moments in the day rather than the sadness. I know it's hard I really do, I know what it's like to not want to get up in the morning or go to bed at night but you have to, because every time you get up in the morning there is still hope. Don't give up hun because you don't know what the future holds, it could be full of all the amazing things you've always dreamed of, if you give up you'll never know, if you keep trying anything is possible. I'm not very good at talking or opening up but I came to a point where I knew I just had to try, where we have to overcome that tremendous fear that makes us shut down.
Sometimes we've been fighting so long we forget what we're fighting for. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to want to get up in the morning, to smile and laugh. You're a lovely lovely person with friends who love you and even though sometimes you may feel terribly alone, you are not, we're here for you even if we are physically miles away. Keep fighting hun, because you're worth it, and I'm here to tell you that even if you wont believe it because it's true, you are worth it and you deserve to be happy.
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
i am obsessed with hurting myself, its the only thing that gets me through the day, knowing i can hurt myslef in the evening, even writing this makes me hear everyone saying that i'm attention seeking and manipulative i should grow up and just deal with it, life is crap and that's just the way it is, its the same for everyone and lot worse for a lot of peopl
I was abused when I was younger....not by professionals, but I was abused. It has affected my life, it has caused me to harm and to have bad thoughts about myself. I am working on this through therapy. Is there anyway you could see a therapist, or try to gain the trust of a therapist as I realise this may be hard for you to trust a therapist again. I believe that by working through the past we can get back to living a normal as possible life.
hiya hun, you are not manipulative or attention seeking, you are hurting badly and it is your way of coping with the pain. It is also a vicious circle for when you hurt yourself it ends up making you feel even worse about yourself. This is not about other people, this is about you and your struggling is real, it is not to be belittled and I would love to be able to give you a big hug and tell you that everything will get better soon, but I can't, however, I can tell you again that you are a lovely, amazing person
What does your doctor say about the meds not working? Has he asked you to give them a little more time or thinking about changing them?
sending you lots of love and hugs xxx
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Its been about 6 weeks with the meds, he says it takes longer with some people so keep going for now but we can try a different dose or drug if necessary..
There's a support group I could join, for people who've experienced sexual abuse, the thing is (apart from the fact I hate groups and tend to just close down) I don't really think the sexual abuse is really that central - I was seeing counsellors because I SHd and took ODs, I had already got the pretty strong message from my family and from school that I was worthless and no-one could ever like me or care about me, trading sex for attention (which is in effect what I did with the counsellors) was just another step in that pattern. So, idk, I guess I don't have to decide immediately, but sometime in the next few weeks
I want it all just to go away, I know it won't but I don't know if I can face talking about it, thinking about it doesn't bother me that much (I hardly ever think about it, I just told him because he asked what I was afraid of about counselling), there's a bit of a 'yuk' factor but thats all, but telling people, I just can't put things into words, that's what tears me up, not what happened. What has happened has happened and hopefully I've learnt something from it and can protect myself more in future. But having to talk to people about it will break me up inot little pieces
what if there is no 'better'? what if this is as good as it gets? the ADs aren't working,ive been on them 6 or 7 weeks now if they were going to work i would have seen some change for the better, OK, I can try a different dose or different drug, i can work my way through the whole pharmacy and what if theres still no difference? i want to believe i can feel better but i don't, i think this is as good as it gets but it hurts to much to carry on like this
I would like to be all positive and say things will get better. But I know that feeling well...
But I can say that things can get better, and maybe the hope of that is enough to keep us trying. Maybe that hope can evolve into learning new ways to cope, accepting some things and building a new life.
I try to keep hoping it is still possible, to 'get better', even with all evidence seeming to point against it.
Whether it be thru a new med, med combo, the 'right' therapy, or...well, i dont know what else...but that's just it...i dont know for sure it wont, right?
So, try to keep that bit of hope alive.
thanks romp... am feeling a bit better, more energy & more positive
I'm stopping the meds - there's no positive effects and the side effects are constant lethargy & exhaustion. I know this doesn't solve the problem that led me to try them in the first place, but for now I'm feeling better.
right now I accept that I am going to have periods where I want to hurt & destroy myself, that this will probably shorten my life one way or another. but there is some peace in accepting that. I feel I can enjoy the things I enjoy in the 'up' times - my job, dance class, riding & sailing - and that they're meaningless in the 'down' times is just the way life is.
trying to get 'better' means finding some hope that things can get better, and that's the most painful thing of all, with all the disappointment that brings. once i accept they can't be better, weirdly, i find some peace and enjoyment. it's relief to stop fighting and just 'be'
trying to get 'better' means finding some hope that things can get better, and that's the most painful thing of all, with all the disappointment that brings. once i accept they can't be better, weirdly, i find some peace and enjoyment. it's relief to stop fighting and just 'be'
Maybe that, the acceptance, is your better. Maybe as a result, the 'down' times will be less severe, less often. Simply because you aren't feeling you have to fight them, dread them?
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