Long story short, because it's really draining repeating the un-cut version. (No pun intended).
Weekend before last, I found out my husband has been seeing someone else.
Only for a few weeks and I don't want too many details from him.
I know her, she knows me. She knows he's married.
I'm 24, and he's 26. She, however, is 31 with 2 kids.
She has been here in a hostel for months having left her kids in America with their father. I know no more about her situation, and honestly I don't wish to. The sour-faced witch has tried to take my husband away from me, asking him to go to America with her. Like I said, the story is too long to explain.
Now I must stress, I looked at his phone to find this out. He didn't come clean until I asked him. Which is probably entirely normal in this situation.
What would it take for YOU (The reader) to forgive him?
I know, get rid of him. He has abused your trust and showed no respect for you. Don't take him back. He's hurt you and made you feel small and caused you pain.
I have kicked him out, he's living in the pub he works in.
We have done alot of talking, and alot of crying. Something he hasn't done in the 4 years we've been together more than one or two occasions of emotional turmoil. He knows what he has done, he knows the damage and the pain he has caused. He is sorry, and I do believe he never set out to hurt me. Not that that excuses any of this of course, but he is full of regret and remorse. Now from the outside, I too would say it doesn't matter. He broke his vows and has destroyed my faith in him.
But I am not the sort of girl who gives up on things. And I took my sacred words very seriously. He is giong to get some counselling, for things in his past he has never dealt with. And I too will be getting myself some help fpr anger issues I have ALWAYS had, which only exaserbate the situation and have made our relationship very hard at times.
As you can imagine I'm REALLY confused and I suppose I just needed some feedback.
Am I being weak considering making my marriage work?
Would you?
Can I get past this and forget it? Because if he proves himself (and believe me he knows this is a ****ing long road if we try again) I think I can forgive him. But forgiving and forgetting are utterly different??
Help, I'm in a ****ing whirlpool and my head is swimming but I don't feel like I can keep it above water.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I am not married so can't say from a personal situation. My main worry is that he didn't tell you. I think talking through this is a good plan, as to whether it can be saved, I think you have to decide that. Although, my dad had an affair and mum stayed, they were actually stronger, so I guess it can work but would I personally be able to do it, I wouldn't be able to forget. I think that is one of the hardest but most important things, if you do decide to work on it, you need to forgive and forget completely, it cannot be used as ammunition.
Sorry I can't really help to stop the whirlpool, take care
But I being poor have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet ; tread softly as you tread on my dreams.
We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.
That's very logical. I think you're right, ammunition is my biggest fear.
Forgiving him is one issue, but using it against him is another. And knowing myself the way I do, I may bring it up to hurt him and I don't want to.
I have warned him that it is raw and he is going to hear some home truths about this for a while yet. He has to be willing to accept the pain I'm in and deal with it or this is never going to work anyway.
Thanks for replying, I know it's a tough situation to comment on if you've never been through it. Hence my confusion!
Thanks again.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
firstly, huge cuddles, dear izzyton!
I think it all comes down to what youwant
...do you want to save the marriage?
To, in essence, be with him, forever/
You are like me in that...marriage is forever.
You are many steps ahead of me i think...id be set to kill him, id be so hurt.
But i havent been there..so i cant really say that, can i?
The couns. is an excellent idea, it really is. No matter what the outcome.
I think all you can do is take time for you, say what you need to..even if it may hurt..it has to be said.
if it isnt said now, it will likely fester and ruin any possible chance.
I would worry as well about using it as future ammunition ( for myself i mean, it would be easy to do wouldnt it?).
But if things are repaired now, there wouldnt be a need for stockpiling the anger/hurt/resentment, right?
Above all, do what YOUR heart tells you hunni.
Here for you always
love you babe
xxx
I would say that you are incredibly strong for wanting to work it out. It woud be much easierto divorce. Don't ever doubt yourself for that.
I would suggest marraige counselling on top of the individual counselling. In a room with a mediator you can get things said without the situation getting out of control.
About the forgive and forget thing... it is... nigh on impossible to forget. But it is possible to forgive. You love him. He loves you. But it is going to take him a long time to earn your trust back. Possibly years. BUT, if you both work at it then it will happen. It is true that in moments of anger you may use this as ammunition. But I can't see you doing that. But, it would be understandable and forgiveable. Though it would probably be more you forgiving yourself as if Ded really feels sorry for what he did, he would probably think he deserved it.
I had big problems with anthony that almost split us up (different then yours but i can understand a little and certainly empathise with where you're at) but my family helped sort things out (well my grandma kinda stomped all over him until he stopped being an ass. BUT if you want to tlk, i'm about. Again, I haven't been in your situation but something similar so I might be able to help And if ou don't want help, i'm always up to listening to a rant!
You're doing the right thing. It's going to be hard and it's going to take time. But it will be worth it.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
it would be over if matt cheated on me, or if i cheated on him. but we're not you.
i would also suggest marriage counselling and just wanted to give you some cuddles, some rubber and some luck for the future - whatever you decide.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
go with what's right for you - marriage counselling is a good idea and hopefully will help you work what the next step really is... sorry this happened, I found out something similar but 'only' a boyfriend, being betrayed like that is horrible
The confusing thing is, I was exactly the same as you Mandi. I said to myself that if he ever touched another woman I wouldn't be able to take him back.
Then I go married and I've become so deeply in love with him (more so than I thought was humanly possible) that I feel like I owe it to myself to try.
I am hurt, deeply. And It's probably one of the most painful things I've ever felt. Ever been through. And will probably ever go through.
The issue is, I don't feel right here without him. He's a part of me and I'm so devoted to him that I don't want to be clouded by that.
I don't want to lose all perspective and get myself sucked back in without control of my emotions. I do believe we can rescue this, but I don't know if that's the RIGHT thing to do, or just what I want to do because I'm so in love with him.
I'm in so much pain but the anger feels to have gone.
I said all along that lying to me was about the worst thing someone could do to me. I was wrong, as it seems to be worse when they lie about something so close to my heart.
I want to hold him, he's a mess. I want to tell him it will all be ok.
But I can't lose myself in this, or I will never get past it or even through it!
I don't know what to do, but for now if he shows some serious effort into proving himself to me, don't I owe it to those vows, and my life with him, and our future to give myself the opportunity to see if I CAN forgive him?
Confused.com.
Thank you again, I do appreciate all the love and support.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I can understand the just wanting to have hinm back, to say its all ok...but it isnt, sadly.
Oh, Iz, i cant imagine how much youare hurting.
I think it is going to take time...ALOT of time.
First to get over the initial hurt, then to learn what you want, then to learn how to get there...IF thats what you decide.
Give yourself plenty of time then I think you will know whether the decision, whichever it is, is the 'right' one, and not emotion-driven.
A huge YES to the marriage couns.
You know where i am babes, anytime ok?
love you
xxxx
I know this is going to take some hard work and alot of time.
He took me out for lunch today, and it was good. We just keep talking it out and I think that is vital. He's coming over on Sunday (It's bank holiday here, no work Monday yay!) we're going to get some things out in the open.
That is alot harder to do in an Italian restaurant with only 3 other customers and 5 staff wandering around. Or so we discovered today.
We need to be communicating now, because if I walk away and I wait, this will eat me alive. It will build up and I will hate him.
Right now I don't hate him, I'm angry. God damn am I angry!
But I don't hate him, and I genuinely believe (call me stupid, naive, weak, Call me what you will) that this was meant to be. WE were meant to be.
Everything happens for a reason and I don't know what that is right now.
But I do know that I need to try. For my own sanity.
I don't want to look back at this in years to come and think it could have worked but I let anger and hatred brew and I let it get in the way.
We've had a magical relationship, intense and passionate and REAL. ****ing real. And I can't give up on that, because there is so much there.
When I'm around him, I'm happy. Even now!
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know that with dedication, we can give this a shot eventually.
But it will be a long time working hard before it does.
Thank you again, I really do need feedback and your opinions mean alot to me. Whatever they are!
And do be honest, don't sugarcoat it for me. I'm all grown up and I can handle the truth.
Love,
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
Its amazing to see someone willing to put in the necessary hard work to make a relationship work. Most seem to give up at the slightest little thing.
You are right, talking is soo important. I cant believe how many couples have no friendship, they have a bf/gf connection, but no just friends...respect.
idk.
Good for you in knowing it needs to be talked about, no matter how much it might hurt. To leave things unsaid will only create resentment, you are right.
You two do really have something.
Wishing you the best dear Izzie
lots of love
Thank you all.
I know I have to fight, but it's painful.
Maybe I can't ever trust him again, maybe I can. But I have to try and find out.
He needs to work on alot of things, and I think he knows that. But for sure I need to work out what might happen.
Still so confused, still so raw, still so hurt.
Wow, this really is the Everest of all mountains left to climb.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
a relationship is a mountain in itself, when something happens it's like sliding down a little bit and having to dust yourself off, have a laugh about it and with renewed vigour, hand in hand, climb back to where you were and keep going onwards. with something as big as this, it's like falling through some thin ice and being dumped almost back at the start. you're hurt, you need help, you need rest, you need someone to pull you on a sled part of the way whilst you recover. whether it was someone's fault that you fell through or not, he fell with you and it's upto you if you hold hands across your sleds or if you take time to yourself to think and get a bit better first.
mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
The strangest part about all of this is that I'm not angry.
I feel anger for seconds at a time very far apart, and then I see his face in my minds eye and the anger is gone. I love him, very much. But I know that no anger now, doesn't mean no anger. It means the anger will more than likely come later and I really don't want that to happen.
Which is why I think we need to get the help now.
Because I would like to try. No, I have to try.
I would rather regret trying than spend forever regretting the fact that I fell at the biggest hurdle and didn't try at all. I think that would be a much bigger regret.
Look, I'm not being naeve, this is going to be ****ing hard. Maybe the hardest thing either of us has ever done. But I wouldn't do it if I didn't think it could work. I'm not weak, and believe me he is suffering. He will be for a while if I have anything to do with it. And it might never work.
It might be too big, too hard, too painful, too much of a betrayal for me to get over it.
But I FEEL like I owe it to myself to see if it's possible.
I married him, and I love him deeply. I need to work out what I can and cannot handle and if this is one of the things I can't, his loss. He did this to me, and he did this to us.
If I can do it, it could be as fantastic again as it has been in the past.
Different, but still fantastic and deep and ****ing real.
I have to see, don't I?
Thanks everyone, I really appreciate the support.
Iz x
You might win one battle.
But know this; I'll win the ****ing war.
I don't have any advice, sorry, but I just wanted to come in and say how incredibly strong you are.
I think a marriage is something that takes a lot of work to get to, and very little to undo...and I don't necessarily think that that's the way it should be. I've often heard it said that the first year is the hardest year to get through for one reason or another. I don't think you're being naive or weak at all and I really hope you guys get through this and are stronger for it. xx
I don't have much advice to give, apart from love and cuddles, and that I think it's a lot harder to work at something than to just give up, but if you don't try you don't know, right?
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