Do you think self-harm is a good reason to not be involved in life??
I've noticed an increasing trend of people asking for good excuses to get out of stuff becasue they have scars or wounds on their body. Sometimes I get the urge to say "well you did it, what did you think would happen!" I don't (often) say that, cause it is fairly harsh. But I was just wondering, do people think that self harm scars/wounds are a good reason for not participating in life?
I know people who self-harm often have an underlying mental illness, but that's rarely the reason people say they don't want to do stuff. It's always like... "oh I have scars on my arms, I can wear shortsleeves, therefore I should stay home, what's a good excuse for me to do that?"
So yeah, do you think self harm is a good reason not to be involved in activites and life!? And, do you think people should be asking for good excuses to get out of life? Or should they be asking what they can do to participate without revealing the scars etc?
If i'm not clear tell me, cause it's 3:48 am and i'm a bit random :P
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Sounds like you're onto something. I wonder what the real reason is that people want to avoid these activities. Using the "having injuries to hide" problem seems like a bit of smoke and mirrors to me.
I can see your point. With scars, I think that there's no reason not to participate in anything, as they could be from anything. Obviously with open cuts there are certain activities which can't/ shouldn't be done (such as swimming) to avoid a risk of infection. But scars? Nah. If people feel that uncomfortable showing their scars that they can't go out, why don't they hide the scars? Wristbands/armwarmers/long gloves/ long sleeved sweaters etc. are all available and all useful for hiding scars.
I think where all the hiding of scars and avoiding activities come from is because so many members are young teens and are at school/college and living with parents. When you are younger I think people feel more pressure to conform and not "stick out". Then there's the issue of parents, so even if their peers might be accepting of the fact they have issues, their parents might not. Now obviously they should be able to tell their parents, however telling them and them seeing the damage are two different things. My mum knows I used to self harm but I will never ever let her see my scars because I don't think it would do either me or her any good.
I also think swimming on your family holiday in Spain is the last thing on people's mind when they're sat there with a blade.
When people grow up, move out of their parents and are more in control of their own lives I think doing activities when scars are on show becomes a lot easier. I'll swim here in Nottingham, but I won't back at my Mum's even without her in case people who used to bully me see my scars, old teachers see my scars, my mum's friends see my scars or relatives see them. But with my friends around here I don't force myself to wear short sleeves (though it has been a battle to discover the confidence) because now I'm more accepting of the fact that I do struggle with my mental health and my scars were the result of that, before I was ashamed and secretive about my difficulties, but i think with maturity comes acceptance.
I thought you meant people try to avoid the activity altogether, rather than covering up injuries. I think, in that case, people have all sorts of different reasons to want to cover up their wounds. When they feel ready to reveal what is going on for them, they will.
People should be asking how they can come clean to friends and family.
I understand not everyone is "there yet" but really that's the aim is it not?
I tend not to answer those questions. I feel like I'm enabling them to continue a behaviour that is dangerous and detrimental to their lives.
But no, I don't think SH is a good excuse to not participate in life. I imagine the real reason people don't want to participate in life is because they are insecure and such like - that needs to be dealt with, rather than continued.
I never really went swimming because of the cuts but as I recovered I started to realise that I couldn't hide forever. The scars are going to be there forever so I may as well start putting myself out there and dealing with the fall out.
Eventually everyone has to integrate in the big wide world...scars, cuts or otherwise.
I can understand someone not wanting to go do something that would require them to show their fresh cuts, or even some scars, as that can take some explaining that some people are just not ready to do. However, I think, like above, that we should be aiming for people to become comfortable enough with someone close to them to open up about their problems (both with self harm and the underlying problems).
Not getting involved with life will eventually make you feel even worse as you will feel left out of your friendship group as they all do things that you 'can't' do.
I personally would not feel comfortable with my parents seeing my scars and so I would probably try and get out of doing things that would stop that if I were younger, now I don't really do activities like swimming and stuff with them so it's not an issue and my parents never question me on never wearing shorts because I am always falling over and often my legs are really battered so they just think that's why though I hadn't worn shorts for a few yrs before i started cutting and i just don't do skirts and dresses, they just would not suit me!
Swimming is the one thing at the moment I'm thinking about doing but can't bring myself to but I think a lot of that is because I would be swimming more than likely in the college pool and i am very insecure about my body; between the changing rooms and the pool you have to walk across a path outside where EVERYONE can see you! As well as that I REALLY don't want college knowing about my scars so I kind of wouldn't feel right. However, I have gone to hydrotherapy sessions whilst I was cutting (admittedly wearing shorts and having less scars) and I really wasn't comfortable about going because of my issues with my body and wondering what others would think of my scars but I didn't stop myself going; I was determined to see if it would help and in the end the physio (and the physio students) would probably have seen SH scars before and apart from one guy who was probably in his late thirties the rest were pretty old so it didn't bother me at all really. I've found over time having things like medical professionals and such see has become easier because at one point I was reluctant to start seeing a physiotherapist again because of my scars (part of it is also because of the time it takes too!) but once it came to it I just decided I needed to do it for my own good.
I think it's more about the attitude people take towards it and what they think is the most important. And it is easier, I've found, now that I've not cut for some time than it was when I was cutting a lot.
I used to always go swimming, don't anymore - why?
People stare and give me looks - why?
Because of my scars.
I used to hate going to P.E because of my scars(also my body), so I tried to get out of it, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't.
If someone feels uncomfortable to do something/ showing something, then that's their choice. It's not an excuse, it's a choice based on something they feel uncomfortable doing/showing.
Hmm, well I don't go swimming or wear short sleeves, but most people in real life know about my history with self harm.
I don't consider this as trying to flop out of life, personally I think it's wrong to show scars and such as well... no one really wants to see it.
I do think people might use it as an excuse to flop out of life in other ways though, for instance saying they won't go out because their scars will be stared at when you could just wear a shirt/armwarmers/etc (And don't tell me it's hot, I've done this for five years, for some time in a hospital where they didn't turn the heating off in summer).
i don't use my scars etc as an excuse, when i first started work at my current job i'd get the odd comment asking what id done to my arms, now they're used to them they don't comment!! i don't do it there anymore, i tend to stick to other areas on my body.
i like to go out in public in short sleeves, esp if its hot, as wearing long sleeves in summer does make eyes wonder!!
I like the idea of changing the question to finding a way to cover up so people can still participate while hiding scars.
I’m in this boat too... I’m ok with showing the scars on my arms as they're fairly minor, but I can't allow myself to show the ones on my legs. The biggest reason is I know it would cause my parents pain to find out about it (and I am getting help for it, so I don't think having them know about it at this point would be of a benefit to anyone).
That being said, I try to find ways to allow myself to be more open about it, and am hoping that I can be less and less self-conscious and/or find better ways to cover up so I don't feel like I need to avoid things like swimming.
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I thought you meant people try to avoid the activity altogether, rather than covering up injuries. I think, in that case, people have all sorts of different reasons to want to cover up their wounds. When they feel ready to reveal what is going on for them, they will.
I meant people use their scars as an excuse to not participate. I wear boardies to cover up certain scars on my legs so I'm not saying people shouldn't cover up if they want to! But people aren't asking how to cover up. They're asking for excuses to not go out at all!
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Originally Posted by Pup
I used to always go swimming, don't anymore - why?
People stare and give me looks - why?
Because of my scars.
I used to hate going to P.E because of my scars(also my body), so I tried to get out of it, sometimes I did, sometimes I didn't.
If someone feels uncomfortable to do something/ showing something, then that's their choice. It's not an excuse, it's a choice based on something they feel uncomfortable doing/showing.
People are asking for excuses though.
And i've found that more often then not, the looks we ar getting are in our heads. We expect people to look and judge. So even if someone glances at us, we automatically assume that they're judging us. More often than not, they're not.
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Originally Posted by ravynsoul
I like the idea of changing the question to finding a way to cover up so people can still participate while hiding scars.
I’m in this boat too... I’m ok with showing the scars on my arms as they're fairly minor, but I can't allow myself to show the ones on my legs. The biggest reason is I know it would cause my parents pain to find out about it (and I am getting help for it, so I don't think having them know about it at this point would be of a benefit to anyone).
That being said, I try to find ways to allow myself to be more open about it, and am hoping that I can be less and less self-conscious and/or find better ways to cover up so I don't feel like I need to avoid things like swimming.
The bolded out part is the bit I mean. Instead of asking of ways to get out of something, why aren't people asking for ways that they can still participate without showing scars and stuff?
Maybe people are really lying to themselves. They're using self harm as an excuse because they don't want to realise that their are other issues. Which is bad. If you constantly lie to yourself, you start to believe it and if you don't admit there are other issues, you'll never confrnt them.
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Originally Posted by Something Vague
uhm, i don't think its like this at all. at least not most of the time. i feel that scars are a hassle and make doing things like wearing a bikini on holiday infront of my family harder, rather than me not wanting to go on holiday? i think most people feel like that.
SO don't wear a bikini? Wear boardies and a tank top? You can even get long sleeve rash vests. And they're sun smart too so you don't need an excuse to be wearing them.
What i've seen happen is people keep making excuses not to do stuff and then people stop asking them becasue they get tired of being turned down all the time. So then that person twists that to mean no one cares and no one wants them around even though its their own fault for always making up excuses. It's a vicious cycle.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
well....i think people arent asking how to cover up because most people know?And because theres already threads about covering up. I think a lot of the time people say those things so that people say....'go out and dont worry, wear long sleeves' etc. Plus I think a lot of the time, when youre depressed you get into a habit of not being around a lot of people and also people find it hard to cope with other peoples questions, even if youre just wearing long sleeves you can still get people saying 'why are you wearing that' etc and I think a lot of people think in depth about these scenarios that may happen and so talk themselves out of going anywhere.
Self harm is a very good excuse not to go out....because you can tell yourself that someone will definitely ask you, or someone will definitely see your cuts and therefor a whole big drama could possibly be created over something thats personal to you. And I know if i wore a long sleeve rash vest swimming with my family I would get endless hassle about it and even about shorts actually.
I dont think, most of the time that self harm is the root cause of why people turn down situations. I think a lot of the time its anxiety about social situations and this can be blamed on the self harm and then running through the same scenarios as I mentioned before.
So basically the reason people arent asking is because theres loads of threads about covering it and most of its common sense, so i dont think its necessarily an excuse, rather its just a part of another bigger reason.
There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you.
But there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.
I aint no abacus but you can count on me.
but you cover up rather than avoid life completely, which is great.
I think what Jess is getting at is that people ask how to avoid life rather than ask how to participate without upsetting others/themselves with what they have done. xx
I avoid swimming, though, which she seems to think is "not being involved in life". There is no way for me to cover up unless I buy one of those Muslim swimsuits and I think that's probably blasphemous.
This.
And this but applied to all activities that may make people feel obligated to cover up:
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I also think swimming on your family holiday in Spain is the last thing on people's mind when they're sat there with a blade.
'Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.'
['There is only one thing we say to death. Not today'.']
'We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.’ – Oscar Wilde
‘It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.’ Sydney Carter
But it's still swimming. Going bowling, or shopping, or to the cinema, or something like that doesn't require you to be half naked and revealing scars/cuts.
I agree Claire. Also the thing with swimming is lots of people who aren't self harmers are uncomfortable with it. They may be extremely modest, have to cover up because of their religion, be embarassed by their body, be scared of water, have eyes that get really sore because of water. I think it's just one of those activities that isn't for everyone.
I don't think self-harm should be used as an excuse for "opting out" of life. But equally everyone have situations they are uncomfortable in and if those who are extremely self-conscious about their scars forced themselves to go swimming I don't see what good it would do them, they would just feel ashamed and humiliated. People have to learn to accept themselves, their scars and their bodies, but I don't think it can be a forced process.
but you cover up rather than avoid life completely, which is great.
I think what Jess is getting at is that people ask how to avoid life rather than ask how to participate without upsetting others/themselves with what they have done. xx
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Originally Posted by Nil
I avoid swimming, though, which she seems to think is "not being involved in life". There is no way for me to cover up unless I buy one of those Muslim swimsuits and I think that's probably blasphemous.
I was just using swimming as an example.
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Originally Posted by The One Who
Swimming is obviously a very different activity to just going out with friends or whatever.
Not necessarly. There have been posts around here for people asking how to get out of going to dinner because they didn't want to show their scars. >.<
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
