hi all
i posted somewhere else a couple of days ago but i really cant find it. in any case, i need some adult support.
i have bipolar two. am going through med changes.
i have an ed issue. my weight has dropped again in the last three weeks, and if it goes much more i will very probably get sectioned. i'm scared. i'm petrified. i did not intend to look like this. its just that when i'm low i am not very hungry. and i've never before in my life (until now) had feelings of not deserving anything, even food, and feeling guilty after i eat or treat myself. i dont binge or purge. i just feel so crap. saw doc today and couldn't tell her the emotional details around food.
my body aches at night. i sleep poorly.
i am married. my hubby and i fight a lot coz he's scared and worried and we battle to communicate. i feel everything's my fault, i'm a screwup and he deserves better. he's great. but i need more support. since getting the diagnosis recently he struggles to talk about it. we cant talk thru it and he shows little active support from his side. he says the wrong things. he wants his wife back. he thinks i blame him, which i dont.
i cant cope much more. we had another fight today. every time is worse than before and i feel worse than before. im hurting. so bad.
i am trying so hard, and my trying only gets up far enough to fall again.
i only talk to my mom, and she's having a hard time, having only recently realized, via me that my dad is also bipolar two, classic rapid cycler every three months. so she has both of us now to deal with!
hi,
i can parlt empathise with how your feeling right now. i suffer with ED quite badly, and have been sectioned a number of times for it (amongst other things ) not being hungry when your low is horrible on its own but it only adds to any ED issues that your struggling with. i know its really really hard but try just eating small amounts often, soemthing that you feel comfortable with eating. and make sure that yoru keeping your fluids up. thats the practical bit of advice hun.
how do you feel about writing things down? maybe you could write your husband a letter, and maybe write soem notes for your doctor. it may sound daft but if your able to communicate via this method then it will help you. are you getting any support at all for the bipolar diagnosis two, i think this will help both of you, because theres often support for people who are caring/living with those with bipolar. Maybe try and find out if theres any, that might help him with his worried and possibly understand things a little.
NOTHING is you fault at all, and you do deserve good things you dont deserve to feel like this at all.
i hope that help you a little bit. here if you need to talk x
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
HI there
thanks for replies, much appreciated. sorry i took so long getting back here. been an insane week, my car broke, had to get it fixed, cancel some work shifts, paid a lot of money, and its just been rough. my mom had to take me to therapy, which was great actually, as it gave us another chance to talk. don't know what i would do without her. therapy was hard, cried through most of it. talked about the 'monster'. the bad me.
as for support for bipolar two, don't think there is any, in terms of where i get my therapy, and my hubby will certainly not go for that idea! he hates the idea of me being with a bunch of 'weird' strangers. his OCD is getting worse atm, too, but he's not ready for professional help. there's progress tho.
had to push up my Lmotrigine with another 50mg yesterday, getting headaches atm. feel numb and sad atm.
eating has been a bit better this week, but its hard. i feel weird at times about food, stuff i've never felt or struggled with before. scaring me to bits.
i'm back again so if you're not too bored to read this please just say hi or send a hug. i'm totally terrified, have my first ED apt on friday, i don't know if its just the ed doc or the ed nurse and OT as well, will see. i'm petrified as i know i'm not doing well physically, getting worse despite eating quite well. i'm exhausted, my body aches all day as well as at night now, and the muscle spasms and twitches i only got at night have started in the day now too. it hurts. embarrassing and uncomfortable. it means my body is exhausted but i cant stop. i need to do anything to function. and i enjoy my work. i'm ashamed and feel ridiculous. i don't know how to face all this or what to do with it. if i tell them all this stuff, i'm pretty sure they might well section/admit me, also because outpatient treatment is impractical for me as the hosp is quite a drive from my house. but that would mean a minimum of three weeks to a month stay, and i don't want to lose my jobs. i have to casual jobs started recently, enjoying the distraction and the cash flow...
i don't know what i'm going to do. even more so, i haven't told my hubby yet as his OCD has been getting really bad lately, and i know he'll be scared too. he is totally against the idea and terrified of any possibility of my getting admitted for anything, as for him it feels like losing me, no matter what i tell him. ugh. i love him so much and i know he just wants to do all he can to protect me, but why does this have to be so hard?
i need rest, have a migraine...
Hey sorry not been around, just about to reply to your PM hun. hope your ok x
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
Hey hun, how did you appointment go? hope your doing ok x
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
hiya katey
apt was okay, long assessment and so not finished yet as they ask EVERYTHING. I had a very stressful time finding the place on my own, got there super anxious and trembling
i'm not doing great. am at breaking point. i don't know what to do anymore. anxiety is at top levels where i feel like crying every time i just have a moment to sit still. i'm scared and been feeling really really ill this last week. very bad muscles spams and twitches, especially when trying to rest. been feeling very lightheaded last few days and body aching so bad i struggled to stand to serve the customers at my job. lots of headaches. very noise and touch sensitive. i just feel like sitting in a dark room with no noise and soft bedding and shutting down until this is all over. self harming would be great too but i can't do that. hubby would freak out.
i'm just having a really hard time. its just not very easy atm and very busy so i cant post often.
cheers for now i have work to do.
xxx
hi all
just an update
i will not be around on the forum for a while, have no idea how long. went to see doc in crisis today, am getting admitted in psych hosp tomorrow morning while waiting for bed in general hosp eating unit so they can treat me properly.
my weight is becoming a serious problem as i'm not gaining weight due to emotional stress and poor sleep, despite my best efforts.
i've become a monster bitchy person lately that i hate and i can't help it feel out of control. i've tried my best and i know i need more help now.
hubby has cried a lot last night, but he has relented to my getting more treatment, even though he is still very uncomfortable with the idea. he knows that if he wants to get the me back that he knows and loves, then i need help.
i'm scared but also strangely calm. i cried a lot yesterday and today, and my mom came around, and i know at least there's a plan now.
i had to text my bosses and tell them i can't work for maybe the next two weeks which was awfully hard, especially as the one boss is the best person i've ever worked for and i really enjoyed the work so much. she was very happy with my work as well. i hope she will let me come back.
i found it difficult to figure out what to say. eventually i just said i'm really sorry but i'm getting admitted coz need to sort out meds problems (which is part of the truth).
a part of me feels like i'm doing the worst thing possible as it is so hard on my hubby, but i know its either this or something much worse will happen.
please don't forget me on here. i will still be able to read posts at times, but i can't write.
xxx
Thinking of you loads hun. sorry i didnt get chance to reply been bit mad here. im glad that you were able to get the help that you need and you going to get the treatment thats needed now. your Hubby will ralise that it was the thing that you needed to get better, it might take a bit of time but he will.
you wont be forgotten. but look after younow thats what you need to do concentrate on getting better. *hugs*
take care x
Theres a little truth behing every just kidding,
A little curiosity behind every just wondering,
A little knowledge behind every i dont know.
And a little emotion behind every i dont care.
