Its been a while since i have given a proper update,i wish it could be a happy update but its not.
Its hard to think of where to start and i am sorry if this turns into a very long post and taking up space on the forum when i dont support much.
I am starting to gp back to self destructive behaviour.i have started doing something very dangerous that could kill me within days if i am not careful.I have tried to stop it but its subconcious and half the time i dont realise that i am dehydrating myself.I know all the dangers but its just hard to force myself to drink sometimes.when i get upset/suicidal i find it very hard to drink so the last few days have been a slight disaster.My eating is okay... it could be better but i am coping on what i am eating.I want to lose weight the healthy way but its hard to get myself out of the habit of eating 1 meal a day.I havent started purging yet- i havent purged in 15 months so i guess thats good.
Mentally i am not good.I have hit a major low.the urges to self harm are getting unbareable, suicidal thoughts are back again after a few weeks of me being semi okay.I wouldnt do anything to risk my life because i know how much it hurts and destroys people but i am scared that i wontcope and just be pushed over the edge.i wish these thoughts would go away.I am over 2 months cut free at the moment andwhen i get to 6 months free i get a tattoo.
Family life isnt that great.My parents recently bought a hotel... the previous owner lied about a lot of stuff...parents have had to spenda fortune so far on the place.My mum has ME and i can see its taking a toll on her.My dad isnt helping matters by being a grumpy ********... when my mum asked him to be more supportive and stop being so grumpy he replied "lets sell up and get a divorse" sighs, i go back to uni in 6 weeks and i have this feeling when i come back for xmas my parents wont be together.its just all too much at once for me.
This weekend i am going up north to see my friends, i havent seen them since new years eve and i guess i worry that everything will be different with out friendship.To make it even better i am staying with my grandparents - they dont really approve of the way i am- they hate piercing and tattoos and they thinki go to the pub to drink tea
.so i have to hidemy new piercings, hide the tattoos and disguise the fact that i will have a rucksack full of alcohol.its going to be a slight disaster.
I am sorry for making this post.I wont do anything to hurt myself and i am not supportive so i dont deserve support.I am feeling useless on ryl and all i seem to do is cause arguemnts.I hate arguemnts- at fox's his neighbour would yell at his wife and i would panic a lot.I guess this is due to the past experience with abuse from a teacher.i cant handle arguements but i dont let peopletalk down to me.i dont want this to sound like a guilttrip because its not... bah i dont know, i am just digging myself into a hole.
im sorry this is long.i doubt there is much anyone could say to help.
On a happy note though,i see fox 6 weeks today
Hope you are all well
jane x
