Feeling low,anxious,nervous,confused basically a wreck *long*
Hey,
Firstly it's not very often, if ever I post a thread specifically about my depression, I have been known to post a few threads on the Eating Disorder forum when I have slipped a bit, but I haven't ever really posted asking for advice or just needing someone to talk to about my depression.
I was diagnosed with depression back in February, although I believe I have been suffering since my parents split up 5 years ago. At first I would feel good and then hit lows, so my moods were relatively good with the odd mishap every 6 weeks or so. After a while it got so that I was feeling good but having these 'downers' more often, they were more intense and they seemed to last longer also. It eventualy hit rock bottom last september when a work mate of mine died. My whole moods reversed, I was, and still am constantly feeling low and down, with the odd exception of having a high because of something good happening, and these usually wear off within a few days or up to a week maximum. I am still at the point of feeling low constantly but I also get times that are worse than others.
Back in April I was put on Amitriptyline and at first I felt it worked a bit, but then it started to wear off, so my doctor increased the dosage, I was on that dose up until the end of June, when I spoke to my doctor and we decided I should come off them because they were making me feel drowsy, dizzy and were doing more harm than good. So I have been off the medication for about a month now.
Another reason for deciding to come off the medication was that I had just finished my exams and I was feeling good, I was hoping that the whole pressure of exams being lifted may help my recovery from depression. I then went on holiday for two weeks from the 6th of July. Unfortunately some things that happened there and spending two weeks with my mum constantly brought me down. Since arriving home on the 20th I have begun to sink even lower again.
Right now I am finding it hard to keep myself together I feel like crying, I feel so tired yet I cannot sleep and I just don't know what to do with myself. This bout of depression feels like the worst I have ever experienced but I don't know whether that is because I haven't felt this down for a period of time. I don't know whether thats why the intensity is so extreme.
I have tried to work out what on earth caused me to hit this low, at first I thought it could be the come down from being on holiday but I didn't enjoy my holiday all that much and I couldn't wait to get home so I don't believe it is that. But it is possible that spending all the time with my mum (who I believe I have absolutely no relationship with and is the one person who I hate more than anything else in the whole world.) but pressure on me and started this downward spiral again.
Other things that could have caused it is the fact I have serious back problems, I have curvature of the spine and a curve of the neck which is being treated through chiropratic treatment. I am feeling really anxious, I can't stop shaking and I've been having panic attacks again, which is quite common when I am feeling really stressed or anxious. I think most of these anxieties are because of being constantly worried about my back and always having the problem lingering with me either in my thoughts tihnking about it or physically causing me pain.
I have been seeing a counsellor once a week (during school term) for about 9 months now and I haven't seen her for about 4 weeks, so I am thinking that, that could also be causing these feelings because I have been unable to talk about things.
I am also really worried about starting college next september, since easter I had my plans all worked out I knew exactly what I wanted to do and what courses I wanted to take, but since recieving chiropractic treatment I have had a huge interest in becoming a chiropractor and I believe it is something I could become really passionate about. Except the courses I need to do at A-Level are courses I never considered and I'm not sure I would do that well in them, so it's hard to accept I may not be able to persue a career I really want to have.
I've got results day at the end of August and I am really nervous about those also, it doesn't matter how much people tell me 'you've done your best' or 'I'm sure you did fine' it doesnt put my mind to rest about it all. I have worked so hard for grades that I really don't think I am going to do well in, it will feel like such a waste especially if I can't go on to do the courses I finally decide to do in college. I have performed relatively well throughout the GCSE years and I am expected to do well, which adds extra pressure and anxieties to the whole issue of results day.
So basically everything is feeling pretty shaky, confused and mixed up. I am starting some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy next tuesday for my eating problems and I'm nervous about that also. I am a shaking, babbling mess and I just can't seem to function, I just want to stay in bed or just do nothing.
I don't know why I wrote all this but I guess I'm just looking for someone who is or has been in a simular position to me and how the hell they dealt with it or got through it, because it has been a real struggle to get through the the last four days and I am so scared about getting myself through the ones ahead of me.
Please help me.
xxxx
Last edited by ebonyrose : 26-07-2007 at 05:51 PM.
Reason: Changed title.
STRENGTH
||| R.I.P Matt. 11.09.06. Forever loved, forever missed and never forgotten. |||
Hello there
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It's a horrible feeling for you, hugs. Can you go back to your doctor and ask them to help you out with the medication? It sounds good that you are going to be having therapy for your eating disorder, Cognitive Behavioural is good therapy for eating disorders and for depression so you may be able to tackle both if you let them know that this is the case.
Having someone to talk to can often really help so if you have a close friend to help you through this or a counsellor. Don't ever feel you are a burden on people because this is the time when you need most care a attention and theres nothing wrong with that.
Try to break down your problems or your struggles into smaller pieces and work at them, it's hard work but it can help. perhaps write some of them down and create some lists, do some painting to express yourself. Can you talk to your mum about the way you feel. I know you have said your relationship is not that good, that must be really hard for you.
Do you have a summer break now to relax a little and take time away from the stresses of life, do what you want to do for a while, take a walk, listen to music, take care of yourself. Exams are such stressful things it can really get on top of you. I'm sorry that your holiday wasnt what you had hoped for, thats tough.
There are other therapies out there that can be nice to use along side professional mental health teams such as just booking yourself in for a massage or something. Or just yourself having a long bath with candles.
I am sorry that you feel so low at the moment, wish there was more I could do. Try to hang on and get through these difficult days and dont be afriad to speak out if things continue to feel this way.
Hugs
xxx
Thank you for taking time to reply- I really appreciate it.
I am supposed to go back to my doctor in a few weeks just for a kind of check up about things. I hate being on medication because I have to hide it from my mum, and I just hate the thought of having to rely on it.
The school counsellor is great, but obviously throughout the summer break I can't talk to her, I will be seeing her again in september though.
I have close friends who know about this but they don't really understand it, I find it really difficult to speak face to face so its usually through a text, but I just don't know what to say.I want to say I'm feeling really down, lower than I think I've ever felt before and I just don't know what to do about it. I've got adult friends who are alot older than me who always say if I need to talk I can but what if I text them and they don't know what to say or how to reply, I'd hate to put them in that position.
I have been trying for five years now to 'help myself'. I have tried writing, painting, poetry, other hobbies, exercise (which is restricted due to my back problem) and loads of other things, I'm just starting to feel like I'm in a total rut. I have a blog which I use to vent things out but right now I just don't have the energy or emotional strength to do that. It took everything I had to write that first post, I had to try so hard not to cry.
There is absolutely no way what so ever I can talk to my mum, I have spoken to many people about this, friends, teachers, pastoral support and my counsellor. It's a really complex issue that just wouldn't work.
I am trying to enjoy the summer but the weather is crap which doesn't really help either, I haven't been diagnosed with S.A.D but whenever the weather is **** so am I.
I used to have massage but I can no longer have them because of the chiropractic treatment, it's so hard to gather up the energy to want to do anything for myself because I'm just feeling so drained.
Thanks again for replying.
xxx
STRENGTH
||| R.I.P Matt. 11.09.06. Forever loved, forever missed and never forgotten. |||
