I am not supposed to cry. I am stronger than this. I am not supposed to take meds. I am stronger than this. I am not supposed to cut or burn. I am stronger than this.
SO why do I sit with tears runninng down my face, bottles of pills in my purse, fresh wounds on my body?
I am stronger than this.
My moods are off the wall psycho. I went on a manic and almost got fired (laughs--- for bouncing a ball trying to hit the 26 foot ceiling) I felt higher than a kite. My manager happened to walk up on this...then he says "GO HOME RAIN----IF IT WAS ANYONE ELSE THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN FIRED, WHY RAIN?" I felt such sorrow and humiliation for my actions. I am supposed to be a role model.
I have crashed, crying, unable to speak, for fear of saying the wrong thing. How could I be so dumb?
3 prescriptions... mood stabilizers...antidepressants... for my uncontrollable self. Ripped the stitches out ...for what I thought was more than ample time 13 days... still have a gaping section still see the underlying fat. tape it shut, hopefully can still fix itself. Lord knows what I am doing .
2 weeks for appt.
to top it all off ... I am on day 33 of my period...what the hell??? Test results not back yet..
so drained..
so humiliated...
so not me.
I dont know where to turn, so I come here. Safe to say I am crazy, losing my mind.
not much I can do but sit on my hands and wait. I figure if I sit on them I cant use them to do more damage. My supervisor called me in yesterday and is worried as well. she saw the stitches last week, and my mood has worsened to not talking to anyone. BLAH BLAH BLAH
woke up yesyerday at 5:30am went to bed at 1:32am (that was the last time I looked at the clock) this morning. Woke up at 5:00 today. been dressed and ready to go to work since 6:00. working both jobs today. tonight we close at midnight due to tax free weekend...dont know if lack of sleep is part or meds kicking in...or my schedule keeping me up. I was in the bed at 11:00 mind racing.
looks like I better put my seatbelt on! Look out for the rollercoaster ride!!!
even though i don't really know what to say i still feel compelled to write something because how you feel is pretty much exactly my life right now.
the period thing really sucks - hope they sort that out!! is the depo-provera (cant spell it) injection available where you are? its something you could try but it might be too expensive (as it is here).
maybe you should go back to your doctor and ask about that ^ as well as about your meds as you might need to change or increase the dose to give yourself some extra help atm. they can also have a look at your cut and put butterfly strips on or something.
i'm sorry that life is so f*cked up for you right now. i dont know if it helps to hear that others are gonig through the same but if it does i can tell you that the way you feel is close to exactly how i feel. all i know is that if we fight enough within ourselves to be strong eventualy we will get there.
*hugs*
Even as the stone of the fruit must break
that its heart may stand in the sun,
so must you know pain.
There are only two ways in which one can live their life. One is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is.
is there anyone you can talk to? we all have dips, sounds as if you need some extra help and no need to feel bad about that - please find someone to talk to
no results on anything yet. she wanted me to go inpatient . i cant. i am to busy trying to survive. ironic? i just cant. havent talked to anyone. just keeping to myself. i dont want to hurt anyone. except me.
thanks for checking.
because i dotn need them anymore
because they dont need me anymore
beacause i am tired
beacuse she wont see me until i see thepsych
because i acnt think
because i dont think i can hate myself anymore than i do right now
beacuse i dont wnat to see my fence anymore
because if i see that fence i will have to make it until tomorrw
i look at my mutilated arms....why the F*** do i do it/?
i want to be strogng no denying
i just want to be well
*hugs*
Dont know what else to say, but feel free to PM me for anything.
Take care, hun.
"People have abused you lots in the past? Why do you then abuse yourself more?" - Quote
Sometimes I feel like I'm alone, Sometimes I feel like I'm not that strong, Sometimes I feel nothing at all, Sometimes I feel vulnerable, Sometimes I feel a little fragile
FRainy, maybe they see you as giving up on you??
I know all the reasons against IP...but i also know the one reason for it is more important than all the ones against.
Pls reconsider...no, actually, DONT think...just do. Do what you need. Which is to take the extra help right now.
Pushing it all away, not talking, etc wont make you 'stronger'...it will make this escalate and consume you even more.
Knowing you need the help, taking it...that is being strong and fighting.
Fighting for the life you deserve to have.
Love you FRainy
cried all last night after i got home. in 6 hours i go to psych. maybe then he will tell me what i already know. ip would prob work but i have no time for it. i am scared to make time. but i am scared he will tell me there is no hope.
I just f******* amaze myself. The psych office set me up with a different lady. went over in my time to see her. Verbally told her I would not do anything. ANYTHING. Except take all those pills she would have prescribed. She want tos see me on Monday to discuss IP. I cant afford to do that. gave me enough for the the 3 days. What have I done???
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