Don't feel like we can beat this

bleeding black · 14-08-2009, 01:15 AM

We have Dissociative Identity Disorder for those who don't know. Hence the use of the term 'we' often in place of I.

We're going through a hard time at the moment.
It feels like something is surging through the internal system and rendering us all incapable of functioning. Including self-harm/self destruct impulses.

Our psychiatrist/T is going away for 3 weeks as of the 17th and we're really struggling with that. We've moved (out of home) and into a new place with 2 friends and that's turning out to be quite trying. Financially and emotionally.

We've been trying to do some hard work with T, and managed to do some writing about past abuse stuff for her a couple of weeks ago. So many alters were surrounding Ash when he was writing, all influencing what he wrote and all wanting different things to be said, or not to be said. He wrote pages and pages. In the morning he woke to an arm in serious need of medical attention and only one surviving piece of writing. We promptly hid that so it too wouldn't be destroyed.
Lots of memories and really powerful feelings are spinning around us and we're really really trying to stay above it all but the pull is so strong.
We're afraid we'll be hurt again, for giving the writing to our Dr, we guess we've been expecting it since we shared it...

We have to go now...
Sorry...
We don't know what to do, feeling so pathetic

iliketea416 · 14-08-2009, 09:07 AM

I don't have any advice to offer, but I have read and understood. Keep fighting. It must be very very difficult, but you can do this! *hug*

Sometimes Crazy · 14-08-2009, 01:00 PM

Hey Ash,

I don't have much advice, I'm sorry, but I just wanted to let you guys know I know where you're coming from. It sounds as though you've been trying really hard to work through these difficult things with your T and that's great!

It isn't easy, I know, and I really do understand how it feels to worry over "breaking the silence" about bad things in the past. Is there any way you could try and keep remembering that you're safe now and you won't get in trouble for talking?

Is there anyone you can talk to while your T is away?

X

Horizon · 15-08-2009, 01:27 AM

BB - I think you are incredibly brave to be working so hard with your therapist. It's terrifying to think you can be hurt again by letting the past stuff out. Have you told your therapist about that? Maybe they can help you to feel more safe. Sorry I'm not so great at saying anything useful - just wanted you to know I read, I care, I'm thinking of you, and I really hope things begin feeling safer soon. I think you (ALL of you) are incredibly brave and strong.

88shelz · 16-08-2009, 06:40 PM

just tought id say keep up with working with your doctors.

16-08-2009, 10:00 PM

good for you in writing it all out, even if there were difficulties. *hugs* keep going, things will improve.

bleeding black · 17-08-2009, 05:57 AM

Sometimes Crazy,
Thank you for your words :)
We are seeing a replacement psych while ours is away. We've met her before and she seems kind a gentle, which is good. Haven't heard from her yet about making appointments.

Quote:

Is there any way you could try and keep remembering that you're safe now and you won't get in trouble for talking?

:'(...That would be a reassuring thought and mantra; if it were true.
Truth is, we aren't safe. If we tell, we do get caught, and we do get hurt again. It's happened before quite recently, we have no proof that it won't again, and every reason to believe it will again.

We want so badly to tell our T what happened and what is happening, but there is so much fear, and so many inside who want completely different things. Some want to be heard and protected, to finally feel safe. Others want to be safe, but are too terrified of telling. Others are fully against sharing, this is backed by fierce anger.

Facet
Thank you, we always appreciate your kind words. We don't feel brave or strong at the moment, but we hope we will soon. Thanks :)

88shelz,
Thank you, we are trying.
divine5wilderness,
Thank you as well :)

We feel such defeat, we fight and fight and still we aren't much closer to safety or stability than we were when we started.
What if we aren't ever free from this?
Why should we keep fighting it if there isn't any hope?
We don't want to ALWAYS be watching our back, waiting for when we'll be found next, what they will do, whether we'll come out after in one piece.
We hate feeling and coming across so defeated, but we really wonder whether it's worth it, whether even if it is worth it, can we do it?

We usually see so much beauty in the world, whether it's a stranger helping a blind woman across the street, the last leaf on a tree, someone we've never met smiling at us.
But at the moment, all we see is the cruelty and disgusting behavior of others.
Last week on the tram coming home from them movies a group of teenage guys attacked us and our friends. We took the majority of the punches and kicks, though one of them threw a punch at one of the girls we were with (us being the only guy) and we cracked it.

The world just seems like a sick, disgusting place to be... Why would we fight for that?

Sorry for ranting and raving... just don't know what to do, how to improve things..

bleeding black · 22-08-2009, 03:32 PM

don't want to do this anymore...
so tired of it all...
when does it stop?
does it get better?
i can't see it...
why can't we be free?

ash

Horizon · 22-08-2009, 05:27 PM

Sometimes the world can seem to be horrible and disgusting, but remember that you are not any of those things, and it's yourself you are fighting for. There is still beauty in the world (it can just be hard to find), and there is beauty inside you. Don't forget that.

How are you dealing with the therapy break?

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.