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Triggering (Suicide) - The voices are getting worse...
I'm not going to go into massive detail about a complete history of my mental well-being, as that'd be extremely boring and not particularly relevant to my question... In brief, I am seeing CAMHS and a school counsellor for problems with depression, self harm, an eating disorder, and OCD...
However, I began to hear voices around May when I had my AS exams. I explained this to my CPN, and told her they were really distracting, and I was finding it hard to sleep or revise because of them. She put it down to stress, and apart from contacting the exam boards to alert them to it, she didn't do much about it. I saw a psychiatrist, who asked questions about them, but he decided I didn't need help for them at the moment. I told him that mostly they are just a group of voices, or a single voice laughing at me in a cruel way, who occasionally hurl insults at me in a voice that is not mine. However, I did explain to him that I understood they were not voices, and that they were just out of control voices, and he seemed to find this reassuring, and told me that as long as I kept that mindset, I would be fine.
The months have passed, and I've been fairly okay with the voices until about two weeks ago... They've become more prominent, and have begun giving instructions. This means that when they tell me to self harm or take pills or something, I feel that I must do this, or i'll get in trouble. Though this is scary, I can cope with it...
Four days ago, they gave me a date, and a plan for my suicide. The voice I heard told me I had to carry this out, unless I had a way of being saved before it happened, which would prove someone cared. The problem is, the voices say I'm not allowed to tell any of the CAMHS team or my counsellor or parents about the date or method for my plan, and can only give clues. If they work it out, I live. If not, then I obviously don't deserve to live...
Though the date is months and months away, I'm starting to get scared. The voices are beginning to make me plan letters and even going as far as to write down ways in which I'll say goodbye to people without them realizing what I mean.
I can't tell my CPN of my plan, and I'm not seeing my counsellor until September, and I'm not allowed to tell her either. CAMHS have said before they don't want to use medication to treat me, and the voices say I'm not allowed to talk about my plan, so therapy won't work either...
I'm starting to get really scared. I don't think I definitely want to kill myself, and yet I think there's a big chance I might do it...
Any advice on what to do, or what I can say to my CPN to indicate what I might do?
I'm so scared of myself. I don't know who I am anymore...
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