Triggering (SI) - Hard to Stop (Rantish)

AddictedtoFaithL · 10-08-2009, 06:28 PM

Hey,

So I haven't been on RYL for a while because I thought I had the cutting under control. I didn't have it under control Obviously. I've been cutting for about 6 years so it's become a bit of a habit for me. I've always said that I want to stop without actually meaning it but recently I've been trying to get my life back on track...sort of...

I haven't cut for almost a month and I'm doing everything I can to stop i.e. distracting myself etc. I'm even thinking about seeing a Psychiatrist (Which is something I would never have considered before) for BPD and I'm ordering tatoo's and an RYL Bracelet from the 'shop' (When it reopens). BUT I can't seem to bring myself to throw my blades away...Does anyone else have that problem?It's like I think that I might need them so I keep them just in case.

Also I've never been easy to trigger before but right now I am for some reason. I keep thinking about the future and how hard it could be without cutting...

I didn't think that I would ever be able to tell anyone about the cutting but I eventually told the head of my Sixth form (Well...I didn't really tell her outright she kind of guessed when I based my Extended Project on the misconceptions of self injury...But she asked me if it was personal and I said yes and discussed my own experience with her so it was sort of telling her...I think). So anyway she was really understanding about it (Which I didn't expect) and thought it would be better if I based my Project on something less triggering...I think this is what actually made me deicide to see a therapist...The only reason I haven't before is because I didn't want to have to explain the need for time off to her...

So I was just wondering if anybody else thinks that cutting is always going to affect them? I keep thinking that it will and this only triggers me more so...It's like a viscious circle of sorts...

Like my teacher was talking about the year 13 Prom and how she hoped that everybody would be there and I couldn't help but think that it would be easier not to go than have to explain all of the scars

I want to stop fully but I'm not sure if I can or not...It's like I physically ache for a release or something...Like it's all too much and there's no other way to make myself better than...Self Injury. It's like it's become a part of my identity or something...I don't know...Does anybody else find it Ridiculously hard to stop? [/font]
So...Sorry for babbling...Thanks for listening...

smile5 · 10-08-2009, 06:35 PM

firstly well done on going a month without self-harming, thats great. I can really relate to some of the things you said. I wish I could answer some of your questions, but I dont feel I have some answers right now. Ive been trying to stop, but only lasted a week, part of me so wants to give up, but another part of me feels I will never cope without self-harming. I go so long without doing it, but the pressure and need for a release just builds up until I give in.

I hope you can progress on this start you have made, I understand how difficult this is for you.

AddictedtoFaithL · 10-08-2009, 06:53 PM

Thanks for the reply. It kinda helps to know I'm not the only person feeling like this. I completely understand what you said. It's the same with me...

iliketea416 · 10-08-2009, 06:59 PM

I think this is where self harm crosses over into being an addiction. Because of the physical side affects, and the deepness of the behavioural patterns, it is a very difficult habit to fully break. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to self harm from time to time, it's how you deal with it that matters. Don't beat yourself up because you want to cut, that's ok. As I said, it's how you deal with it that counts.

I haven't been self harming since January and I remember (and still do from time to time) feeling a massive loss of identity. I'd been "Lucy the self harmer" for so long and was sort of afraid of just being "Lucy" as I didn't know what was left. But at the same time, that is SO exciting. The idea that I kinda have a blank canvas now is brilliant; how many people do you know that get that chance?