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Triggering (SI) - stupid little rant
I went five months without cutting earlier this year, and not by choice. My mom took everything sharp and locked it up. She threw out all my blades and my knife. She locked up the shaving razors because I'd been tearing them apart to use the blades. It was miserable.
And then in mid-july, I just couldn't not cut anymore. Mom trusted me, so I got a crapload of blades again and kept them hidden. I tore apart shaving razors again for the blades. She hasn't caught me... yet.
I'm so freaked out that she's going to, and that she's going to send me to therapy. But if I stop cutting for any period of time, the suicidal thoughts that are the fuel to my cutting come crowding in, and I hate them so much. They drive me insane.
I tried explaining to my mom when she made me stop in February that if I stop then the suicidal thoughts come marching in, and that I'd probably end up attempting suicide, and she said that we would take it "one step at a time" and that the first step was making the cutting stop.
Obviously, that plan failed. I want to cut so badly right now, sososo badly. I would give up anything to be able to go cut right now, but I know if I cram any more cuts onto my arms she'll notice. And I don't want to go to therapy, or be forced to see a shrink.
But I want to cut so badly. I really wish my mom would go back to just not noticing.
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