Triggering (Abuse) - I witnessed domestic violence as a child
I've actually started looking at information about the effects on children of witnessing domestic violence.
Because when I was a child, I saw a lot of it. Between my mum and dad. My dad being the perpetrator.
And I read and am close to tears.
At last I am unfreezing the feelings I couldn't feel back then, because it was so terrifying and confusing and lonely.
The threats to have me sent away, the threat of, from mum, of mum and I going to a refuge. It never happened. Though we did pack several times. Only to be pulled back at the last minute by rough mending. For now. I don't even think my mum knew where the refuge was.
No wonder I am so insecure. No wonder. I can see and feel it more clearly now.
oh katie i am sorry. that must have been a horrible thing to go through as a child. not only terrible for what you witnessed but the feeling of not knowing if you were staying or going half the time either.
no wonder its had such an effect on you. I bet you can empathise with a lot of the thoughts and feelings you are reading about right? its good you're looking at it though, as it can help you justify to yourself that its ok to feel terrible about what happened when you were a kid. its ok to still have emotional trauma from the things thats happened.
it's a positive step you're taking, to try and understand how your childhood impacts your life today. it's hard for a child to understand why the people they love hurt each other, and the fear that you had to live with, it's a very unstable environment that no one should have to live in. good on you for trying to work through it, you're not alone hun.
stay safe xoxoxox
Do not follow the common path.....go where there is no path and leave a trail.....
Thanks. Hugs and support are much appreciated as I'm very tearful right now.
Sam, yes, my therapist knows. Thing is, today was our last session before a 5 week break. Which is part of the reason this part of my past is so forefront right now, as without my therapist's support and warmth alongside me through the week I am painfully reminded of how it was Back Then when I had noone to tell my feelings to, noone to make it safe.
Thankfully though, as well as having internalised the conflict between my parents in my psyche, I have internalised some of my therapist's nurturance and care, which will hopefully be enough to sustain me through the next little while.
I am finding it hard to express. In my child-emotional-state there are no words to describe my feelings back then, all she/I can say is what my dad said. I can't even yet put into words what he did. Yet I did a quiz thing aimed at kids on Is it Domestic Violence and it came out clearly yes.. But there's the old inner demon of denial and minimisation that can really hurt and confuses me.... I'm trying not to give it power, and trying to accept that was part of 'don't tell anyone about what's happening at home' which was never said back then, but which I intuitively picked up.
I didn't even know it was wrong.
I was just scared. I wanted to protect mummy.
In many ways I am lucky that my parents are happy now. Its their 40th anniversary next week [which seems to be one of the major triggers also for these feelings becoming forefront]. But that doesn't take away the pain of the past. It even feeds into the denial/minimisation tendency that wants to believe nothing bad ever happened, and that I imagined it.
Hugs to you longing,from a fellow witness. The entirity of my life so far has been witness to that. It causes insecurities and for me,at least,I can't handle anger now. I an't express anger,at all,because the only way I've learned how is throguh violence,which I've also seen,does not give good consequences.
It'll be a long list of misconstrewed feelings that stem from these issues. Sometimes I wonder who I really am,or if I am just shaped by my past only.
you're taking a big step,now. Learning your feelings,you can begin to discover who you really are.
More hugs to you hun. More and more hugs.
"You're in the bathroom carving holiday designs into yourself,hoping no one would find you.But THEY found you,and they took you,and you somehow survived."
I'm uncovering so many feelings now, which I blocked off from Back Then, because it was too painful to feel. Its hard to feel them now, but I am more able to. I am learning so much.
I used to not express anger. Now, through therapy, I am much more able to. There was a time when I didn't believe my father was angry, that 'you can go away and rot' wasn't an expression of anger. For many years I don't even think I knew what anger was. Sounds strange, given my experience, of being bullied, and all that happened at home. But, it's the way things are. Probably because it caused me and my mum so much pain. And I was never encouraged to be articulate about my feelings. I had to feel the way they all wanted. And, dammit, now I am feeling my feelings!!!!! It's not always pretty, by a long stretch, but I am learning to feel.
*big hugs* coming to terms with feelings and events from the past is always very hard, but you're doing really well, learning to feel is brilliant news as well. Well done! *squishes* PM if you need.
xxxx
It seems to be getting more and more intense, finding more triggers all the time - noise in the flat upstairs, my flatmate shouting at her baby when he won't eat...
It makes for less gaps in my feeling-memory. But it hurts so much. :(
Oh Katie, i'm so sorry. I can understand how scary and exhausting this must be for you. I hope that you will manage to work through this and feel less triggered soon, i'm thinking about you. Take care and get in touch any time. xxx
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I'm sorry this must be such a hard time for your right now. I think you're doing the right thing though and I really admire you. I want you to know you seem like an amazing, special, strong person even though I know you probably feel far from it, at least know that that's what we believe.
I only rarely witnessed domestic violence, but I know how frightened it made me feel, and I can't imagine how awful it must have been facing it so severely on such a regular basis. I experienced a lot of violence at school, and I still can't think about what I saw happen to other people. It is too hard, but I really think you are amazing for starting to embrace your younger self and your feelings from back then now. I know how hard it is when your therapist is away, it's one of the worst times for me.
Whilst she is away know that we are here for you. Lean on us, we know you're struggling and we might not know how hard it is ourselves, but we know it must be extremely hard for you. Keep talking to us, my pm box is always open to you.
Remember the coping strategies you have learnt whilst in therapy for this time out of therapy. Look after yourself, soothing music, hot baths, cuddly toys, nice videos.
