Triggering (SI) - I just don't know what to do anymore...

Coaster · 08-08-2009, 04:50 PM

*Triggering--ED*

Okay so my mom bribed me not to self-harm... she said if I didn't do it for a month she would pay for me to get piercings.

I want the piercings so bad that I've actually tried to fight the urges. I got SO CLOSE the other day to doing it... but I didn't.

However, I can't fight two things at once. In the week since I got back from my 3 week trip (I didn't SH over the entire trip... I promised myself I wouldn't and we were so busy every day I didn't have much of a chance to do it if I wanted to) I've been feeling pretty horrible. I've wanted to do it SO BAD. But I haven't. My parents talk about how they're so proud of me, but I'm not proud of myself. I can't tell them why.

The reason I'm not proud of myself is I've developed a sort of eating disorder again. I've been throwing up several times a day. The thing about me is that if I don't eat at all I feel sick to my stomach, but after I eat I feel sick to my stomach as well. Now that I'm back into this, I'm obsessing over it! All I can think about is the next time I'm going to eat and throw up, and what I'm going to do when I go to that party and there's food. I haven't seen my boyfriend in MONTHS and I'm seeing him today but all I can worry about is the food. I can't even get excited about seeing him.

At this point I don't know what's worse... falling back into SI (which will happen in a few months anyway I can guarantee) or holding this eating disorder for the next month or longer. I just can't reason with myself anymore! In my mind it's either one or the other!

PassedExpectations · 08-08-2009, 05:32 PM

I don't know which would be worse, but have you seen a doctor about either? cause with both you could end up really hurt/sick.

Bribery doesn't usually tend to work for me either, neither do no-harm contracts, so I don't know what to say about that.

*hugs and cuddles*

rockaroni · 08-08-2009, 06:19 PM

It's one of the easiest things to fall into- swapping one bad coping mechanism for another. By bribing you to stop, it's not teaching you how to deal with your problems and emotions, it takes away the one thing that helps, so more often than not, people find another bad thing, and quite often the thing that changes is their relationship with food. It helps bring the "control" back.

I also think it would be a good idea to talk to a doctor, or maybe get some counselling. It'll help deal with the emotions that cause the self harm and the eating issues, and get you into healthier habits. It might also be worth talking to your parents, as scary as it sounds. As much as they don't want you cutting, I'm sure they don't want you throwing up after meals, and maybe if you explain the pressure you felt when they asked you to stop SHing, they'll back off a little.

Coaster · 09-08-2009, 09:52 PM

Thanks for the advice rockaroni and others.

I have a counselor (who used to have an eating disorder) and I'm going to see her next week. but I'm a little afraid to tell her because I don't know how she'll react or what she will do (if anything other than coercion) to get me to stop.

And how will talking to a doctor help??

I also haven't taken my medications in 13 days, do you think that could be causing a problem?

88shelz · 11-08-2009, 11:11 AM

doctors are there to help you through tough times so talk to them and let them help you and guide you.

it would be a good idea to let your mum know that you are grateful for her help but its not the kind of help thats helping you and perhaps tell her how she could help xx