Today's been hard. It feels like I'm on tht downward spiral again.
It started well. Woke up in L's arms. Why does that always feel so right? When Mum phoned, I was still there. So I get a rollocking off her, about how "After J, I shouldn't be getting involved with anyone else, and D should be coming first." D was round my brothers, an offer my brother's fiancee had made. As for J, how dare she tell me how I should be reacting to that. As far as I'm concerned, me and him were finished months before I left him. I was over him before I left him. I deserve a bit of happiness, right? But I can't argue back with Mum. So it all goes unsaid.
But I'm sure she cursed the day. Or is it just me that's cursed? Because within half an hour, L has finished with me. All this crap about uni, and not sure he can manage a long distance relationship. That's before he's even tried it. But apparently, I'm his "ideal girl", and in an ideal world, either I'd have moved back earlier, or that I'd be going to Southampton with him. But we don't live in an ideal world, do we?
Anyway, I arrive at my brothers, already stressed and upset. As he answers the door, he tells me they were planning on taking D swimming. Fine by me. Said he'd have D back by teatime. Suddenly, D comes toddling out the living room, with a pint glass of lager, about to sip from it. Needless to say, I got angry. How stupid do you have to be to leave a glass of lager in a toddlers reach? But of course, I over-reacted. After being made to feel over-bearing, and about two inches tall, I agreed that yes, he could still take D swimming, provided his fiance was there. I was assured he'd be back for teatime. To me, that's five o clock, half five at the latest. Their usual drop off time.
So, six o clock came round. And as my son's not back, and I haven't heard anything yet, I decide to phone. No answer. After ten minutes, I got a bit angry. After half an hour, I'm scared shitless. So, I see the support worker in the office, ask for advice as to what to do if I can't find them at theirs, or don't hear anything. I sat in her office, having a goddam panic attack. As I leave the refuge, my phone rings. My brother's fiance. They'd only just, at 6:50 pm, got out of the pool. I told her it would have been nice to know they were running late. She came out with crap about not being able to have her phone at the pool. I pointed out I'd been told they were going swimming at half 2. She claims my brother tried to phone me. My phone had not rung all afternoon. I'd had some texts, but that was it. Not from them.
So, they turn up, and my brother starts spouting off about how I over-reacted. I pointed out if I'd been looking after his daughter, he'd have been able to get hold of me, or I'd at least let him know if I was running late and it meant he wouldn't be able to get an answer. He started calling me an ungrateful bitch, and told me to **** off, he didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
So I got back to the refuge, hurting. A lot. It feels like I can't trust anyone. It feels like my brother and his fiance go out of their way to make me feel incompetent. My mother makes me feel incompetent. Everyone else in my life hurts me sooner or later. After getting D to bed, I wondered how much damage a bottle of childrens paracetemol would do. What was left would have done **** all. It doesn't work on heartache, as I sooon found out. I soon found myself with a pair of tweezers, and scratched them over my arms. Right now, I feel like such a failure. I've let my son down, disgraced my mother, been dumped, and fallen out wsith my brother, who I thought I could trust, all in one day. I just feel such a **** up.
