Triggering (SI) - I've had enough of life these days

[Tears Of Blood]

Hey Everyone,

I appologize if I don't belong here. I started posting in Vets on the old RYL but I'm not sure if I still belong here on the new site. Anyways, feel free to move it if it doesn't belong here.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing in posting this but I've just had enough. And I need to get this out somewhere I know that there's nobody to jump down my throat the second I open my mouth.

I'm through making decisions or giving my two cents worth because as soon as I do then somebody's got a problem with it. Why ask my opinion if you don't want to hear it? Of course then they get mad that I'm not answering them...Catch 22.

Every time I step out of my room my sister starts screaming about something I did or didn't do. I can't listen to it anymore. The only option I can see is to move out but I don't want to leave my mother to deal with her alone because she'll let her walk all over her.

My Dr blames every complaint I have on nerves, on top of that I now have to convince her to take the ER doctor's instructions and send me to a cardiac specialist because of an abnormal EKG, I have to wonder how much of this is actually caused by stress. I'm too busy to worry much about my health but now my body's giving me problems I just don't have the time or energy to deal with. Ending up in the ER at 5am on a Sunday morning was just the latest and kind of makes me wonder if things are just getting worse I just want to sleep the time away so I don't have to deal with everything. It's almost 4 months since my grandmother(and my whole world) passed away and I'm no closer to being over it than I was the moment I realized she'd passed away. I think I'm going crazy.

On top of this I almost lost both of my dogs in three days but thankfully they're both treatable. However One is diabetic and needs daily insulin injections well every time I give them to him he yelps, today on top of everything else that's happened lately that was just too much, I'm a veterinary assistant, I should be able to give my dog a simple injection without causing him pain. I'm giving up on ever taking the vet tech or vet course, I'm obviously no good at what I do, I couldn't save the two dogs that got hit in front of my house and I can't even give a simple insulin injection. I've had it, I'm completely fed up with everything and everything.....it's days like this that make me wish I hadn't tried so hard to stop cutting. July 2nd was a year free for me and I don't want to lose it and part of me doesn't want to do anything like this until I find out what this heart probelm(s) is, but part of me just wants the relief I know will come if I cut again, and I know I have a razor nearby - I thought I could trust myself with them again - how stupid can I be??. I'm tempted to open a liquor bottle even though I'm not supposed to be drinking with the beta blockers I'm on. But I'm to the point of just not caring anymore, why can't life just go away and leave me alone for a couple months.......

Sorry for carrying on but a big thank you to anyone who took the time to read and/or reply

~Jewel~

[bleedingdragon]

sorry its long its just me,

Jewel,
Hugs, please dont appologise about posting here, everyone is welcome to be here and seek support and advice from us mainly because the people here have been through alot of life experiences from the age of 18 upwards.
veterans is for the older person from the age of 18 upwards because it covers more subjects to do with work, family, relationships and a whole lot more. If we can support you we will.


I hear you right now about having had enough, hugs you, ryl, and veterans is somewhere where you can be allowed to express yourself, without judgement.

Im sorry people around you are giving you such a hard time when they ask your advice, and then on giving your support, they bite your head off or allways have a problem. I can understand how frustrating and upsetting that is for you. Especially if you then dont say anything and they become angry that you havent helped. Can you be firm but polite in saying your not able to be allways so forward with sujestions, its clear you need to be listened to and supported by other people. They should be helping you, as you say let your supporting others take a back seat for now.

Sisters and brothers can be amazing and also a nightmare to live with at times, i hope you can manage to make your sister understand she cant keep screaming at you all the time. Can you keep a safe distance from your sister right now, Its nice you dont want to leave your mother with your sister, but really if you need a break can you stay with friends, you cant be there all the time your mother will have to deal with your sister most of the time herself. I dont want that to sound harsh.


I understand you about your dr, alot of it could be down to nerves, but if your ER doctors reccomended you get sent to a cardiac specialist, because of an abnormal EKG she should sit up and take notice. Can you get your ER doctor to contact your dr and stress the importance of seing a cardiac specialist.

i understand your busy but it sounds like you need to ease back, if it is heart trouble you may put added stress, on yourself , especially since you say your body is showing signs . Please consider making more time and energy for yourself. It must be worrying for you to be ending up in ER early sunday morning, all the more reason to push your ER doctor or your own dr to support you.

The feeling you describe of wanting to sleep your time away and avoid dealing with stuff is a familiar one i feel the same often.

Im sorry to hear about the loss of your grandmother over 4 months ago, especially hard for you because she was your whole world, often its so devistating for us when we loose someone so close to us. You are still coming to terms with your grandmothers loss, and going through grief.
the grieving process takes time, each person deals with grief in there own way, there are 5 main emotions feelings that everyone goes through.
but you may go through the steps of grief one by one and come through the end, or you may go backwards and forwards between the steps of recovery until you recover.

Please have a look at the Grief and Trauma support forum, you will find others going through grief :
please click on the link in purple, this will take you directly to the grief and trauma forum

Grief and Trauma Support Forum
But as i said your welcome here to in the veterans forum continue to be here and post and ask for support.

The thought of loosing your dogs would be a very traumatic experience
im glad you didnt loose them, and they are treatable. The daily insuline shots must be hard for you, im sorry your dog yelps on you giving the injection, please be patient and gentle with yourself, you are doing your best for yourself and your dogs. Its good your a veterinary assistant,
good you can give your dog an injestion, but right now youve so much to deal with
you will struggle to manage the injections.

I hope you dont give up hope on taking your vet tech course, right now things are so difficult for you, your struggling to manage, dont be so hard with yourself. And im sorry two dogs were hit outside your house, you will have done everything in your power to save them. you couldnt do any more.

no one of us is a super person we are only human. and right now added pressure is not what you need. Can you take a holiday from your vet tech course.

please hold on and understand your really doing an amazing job with coping with your loss and feeling so ill, and trying to complete your vet tech.
Well done for being a year free of SI, i know you want the relief by cutting, please keep going and stay distracted ryl is good for distraction check the forums. I hear you about the temptaion of drinking, please try and hide the drink, your right it will affect the betablockers.

we care about you please hold on and let us support you when we can


please dont appologise for carrying on its good for you to be expressing yourself on here, people will read it.

Dave

[Margo]

Perhaps its time to ask yourself why you are too busy? Perhaps its time to re-organise some of that time so that you have some relaxing quality time. If you are too busy to worry bout your health then you are obviously negleting your bodies needs. It will be trying its hardest to heal its self but eventually it will break. Perhaps your GP is right and it is a nervous condition. However GPs see everything in black and white. They are intollerant of the things they dont understand within their limited field of knowledge and can easily dismiss our symptoms if they dont fit in with their way of thinking.

If you do not have a counsellor then perhaps its time to look for one. You need to talk to people who understand the brain and its thoughts.

As for your doggies. The fact remains that you DIDNT lose them. You still have them. Ok you need to inject once a day. Thats ok. You will do it and it will be ok. The fact your dog cries is no reflection on you. Lots of dogs cry. We have two here. They get injected at the same time. One screams like you just chopped off his balls when the needle goes in and the other just sits there waiting his choccy treat!!! Perhaps your doggy is just sensitive. Im sure you see it all the time at the vets. i doubt its a reflection on your ability. Besides the MOST important thing regarding your doggies is the love you can show them. Thats the greatest healer of all.

We all need time. We need quality time and we need to take care of ourselves. If that self nurturing is missing from your life because you are too busy then its time to take a serious look at your schedule. Change it NOW! Things will get better!

Take care

Matthew xxx

[Tears Of Blood]

*sigh* thanks guys

Dave - Well I'm almost 20 so I guess I still somewhat belong here after all. But imagine, almost 20 and carrying on like a 10 year old with all the complaining. Pathetic really, I need to grow up. Thanks for all your advice and support

Matthew - I agree I should probably try to reorganize things but to do that takes time I just don't have. I refuse to go to any sort of counsellor because my mother drug me to one when I was 13 or 14 and after the time was up and she had finally gotten a couple of complete sentences out of me she went back and told my mother what I'd said. I swore from that day on I would never talk to anyone again. As for my dog, he never says a word unless he's really in pain, poor thing's had his tail jammed in the door for a good minute or so before he wimpered and we realized it. I now have two amazingly painful wisdom teeth comming in so if it's not just a simple extraction( And I haven't heard of any yet being simple) and I can convince the dr to refer me to a cardiac specialist and my heart checks out well enough that I'm not too high a risk to put under anesthetic then I'll have them removed and while I'm recovering I might have a little bit of spare time to reorganize my life....Maybe, anyways, thanks for the support and advice, it means more than either of you could know. ~Jewel~