My anger is becoming a problem...

pea soup · 25-07-2007, 12:09 AM

hi all...
maybe im just really stressed or maybe i need to work on my anger.(please pardon typos and crap because imn my sis's computer and its completely diff from mine!!!!)
ok....ive been at my sis's since friday and i have to go back home in 2 days. it has been very relaxing with my broter not around. i absolutely dread going home. but even while being here, ive noticed my anger. ive had some issues with my mother and i get so angry that i shake and sweat and sometimes it feels like im going to have a heart attack.
theres always a pattern....my feelings get hurt....then after a while i become angry....and the anger grows until it has consumed me. i dont destroy thngs or hurt anyone. in fact, usually when iget this angry i cut. but since im seeing keith very soon, im still holding off.
i can hear my therapist's words echoing in my ears when im angry..."dont give them that power". well, that is much easier said then done isnt it???
basically....its making mevery uncomfortable and i know that in a couple daysi have to go back home to my brother, and i have to get a grip on this.

i really dont know what im seeking here. just help?
thanks.
xxxx

Margo · 25-07-2007, 03:58 PM

OK im going to say something here that may suprise you. Im going to say ignore your therapists words! Why? Ill tell you why - By saying to yourself "dont give them that power" you are implying that "they" have some sort of power in the first place. The further implication is that by allowing yourself to get wound up by "them" you are in some way empowering them and at the same time de-powering yourself. When you dont deal with the situation well all this will leave you with is a sense of failure. you will sit and stew and think that "they" have gained a little more (power) and you lost a little more (power). but that is simply not the case here Rachel! there is no power to be gained or lost at all.

Im glad you notice a pattern because thats simply what this is. A communicative pattern that you have fallen into. Its like a loop full of triggers for both sides. One says something to trigger the other, they hear a response and that triggers another response and so the pattern continues.

The secret is in knowing this pattern exists and trying to break it. A cognative approach to this seems a far more productive method of dealing with this! Looking at ways to break this pattern. Patterns can be broken. They were made by you in the first place and can be changed by you. Try to take some comfort in that!

Can i suggest the following as a little experiment. The next time you feel this pattern erupting, imagine "them" speaking in a really silly voice or wearing something ridiculous. This can help break the pattern because the pattern is stimulated by the reactions and sensorial stimuli of everyone involved. For example, the tone of voice may trigger you. Or the flushing of their skin when they go red. Perhaps its a gesture of the hand or something else that triggers those early feelings that this is gonna turn into an argument. By changing the way you see, hear of feel things you can learn to change the pattern. Hence imagining them shouting in a really silly voice or wearing something really silly can replace what you already see or hear.

Perhaps ask your therapist about how to change the pattern?

Meh im wafflin.

There are ways and steps you can change this Rachel. Good luck.

hugs

Matthew xxx

pea soup · 25-07-2007, 09:55 PM

thank you matt...
i will definitely try that.
its kinda like picturing everyone in their underwear while youre giving a speech to alleviate anxiety. i tried that once in college and it DID work,however, i laughed through most of my speech. lol.
thanks again.
xx

The Hierophant · 25-07-2007, 10:43 PM

I don't think I could say anything nearly as helpful as Matthew.
But you can work through this.

You've recognised the pattern so maybe you need to break it now?
Hope it goes well though.

xxx

Destinationzero · 26-07-2007, 05:09 PM

I definately agree with Matthew. Your brother, though, does seem to get some sick pleasure at seeing you upset though. Being angry is fine especially in this situation but you NEED an outlet for it that is not self-destructive. Usually I go to the gym or I do kickboxing. I just hope the rest of your stay at your sister's is relaxing and that you can go home regenerated and more relaxed.