Last try getting help...

Konstantine · 26-07-2009, 06:26 PM

My moods have been up and down and I'm finding it really difficult to cope with. I have days or hours when I feel amazing, on top of the world then weeks when I'm ready to end it all. Right now, I'm feeling okay, I guess. I'm tired all the time and getting bored easily, but I'm alright. Tomorrow, however, I could be ready to kill myself again.

Two weeks before we broke up from school I was perhaps the closest I have ever been to a planned suicide. I had the pills and a plan and I sat in bed and cried all day everyday. I went to the school counsellor and finally admitted to her that I cut (though that was the last of my worries). She asked where I cut because she didn't see any cuts on my arms (idiot) and then she said that at least I cut rather than took pills. Well, I'm in control of my self harm anyway. I only do it when I have to. It doesn't really bother me, I'm in control...it's never bad anyway, just superficial cuts. I didn't attend school for the last week because I was scared that I'd do something on the way there. I don't know how I coped. I cried and cut everyday...thats it. I cant talk to anyone about this btw apart from online or professionals. Anyway I called CAMHS 5 times and they just kept saying "well call back"

Yesterday I got a letter from my mental health worker saying that she's 'cutting all direct contact with me but wishes me the best in the future' and given me a self help print out for 'mild to moderate depression and anxiety' to help me become a 'self therapist' - great. I'm so pissed off it's unbelievable (sorry for the language), if I wanted to print something off from the internet then i could have done that myself. I just want another assessment and for something to be done. I went mad when I read the letter and I kepe crying and shouting about it. What a fucking joke... four years trying to get help just to be sent a PRINT OUT. What is the point? I'm going to have to be dead until they do something -> then it'll be too late.

I mean im not suicidal now but who knows when i will be, my moods are everywhere.

TinkerDebs · 26-07-2009, 08:33 PM

hunni yhou wouldnt understand how much i can relate to that!!
ive had 3 assessments and each time the print out is a little more thatn the previous one
its so annoying
and i feel like you - that the only way to get help is to be dead
but then someone pointed out a good fact - if your dead they dont need to help you because there is no you and so they dont have to bother
al;l the time your alive you can be there trying to get help until they wake up and realise that you need it!!!
please try to keep fighhting - kepep fightging to get help
pne day it will work out!! so they say!!

Sadiew · 26-07-2009, 11:10 PM

That's awful. Pretty much saying to your face "your sh*t isn't important, just give up." that totally sucks. I've not had the exact situation, but I've had situations that left me feeling much the same. You do everything you can do, everything you are told to do, to try and get help and get better, but it seems like you are swimming against the current. You try everything but no one is really giving you a hand to help yourself. And i definitely know what you mean about moods going all over ^^ I'll be crazy depressed for a month, and then all of a sudden I'll be happy and better. or happy for a day then crash. totally horrible feeling. It's great you are trying to get yourself help; I'm not even to that stage yet. that's so frustrating they are fighting you every step. but, keep trying, and maybe try different... things. like, different people, doc, strategies, etc. I'm not sure what you've been doing, so I can't say ^^ just don't give up. I know it feels like nothing will get better and you just want to end it, but please don't. keep trying, and hopefully you will finally get what you need. even a blind dog finds a bone if it digs enough holes (if you keep trying it has to work sometime!) sorry for ranting, I just relate. anyhow, I hope things turn out better for you. take care

Konstantine · 27-07-2009, 12:14 AM

i dont know what i can do really cos we cant pay to go private, so this is really the only option.

i have looked at the print out thing and i dont see how it can help me, i dont know/want to fill it in, but im meant to be discussing it with a nurse apparently (no idea when ill ever get to see her...), idk what to say to her though because i just cant fill in this thing.

is there any other way i could get another psychiatric evaluation?

TinkerDebs · 27-07-2009, 10:24 AM

consult your docotr maybe they will know how to get you another one??
i think my doctor was the one responisble for all 3 of mine

Sadiew · 27-07-2009, 08:01 PM

I don't know anything about how it works in Europe (I'm American), but do what tinkerdebs suggested ^^ and maybe look it up online, there have to be places talking about it. well, if you are going to be discussing the print-out with a nurse soon maybe you should feel it in; then she may have something to work with. why can't you feel it out? is it emotionally difficult, or you just don't understand?

Konstantine · 28-07-2009, 02:28 PM

This is what they sent me: SHADE manual

I do understand it and it's not particularly 'emotionally difficult'...I just can't relate to it. It says 'write a thought and feeling' but I can't identify any thoughts...I get a feeling before any thoughts, and it's the feeling that makes me think 'I want to die' or 'Im useless'. It seems to be 'this thought = this feeling = this behaviour' but I don't have 'this thought'. :S It's hard.

Plus half of the printout is about anxiety which I don't have.

sherlock holmes · 28-07-2009, 02:30 PM

You're entitled to a second opinion, at least that's how it works here in the UK. Go back to your GP and explain what has happened and that you dont agree with the outcome. Tell him you want to be assessed again by somebody else for a second opinion.

88shelz · 28-07-2009, 02:36 PM

i would also ask for a 2nd opinion.
im not sure where you are from but here because we work on the NHS system it is always those who need the help the most that are kept on the list.
i know that sounds horrible but thats how we are treated.
im not sure of your situation but if its a matter of the clinics becomming over full with patients they will let go off those who they believe can help themselves.

in a way that is a postive though - they have faith and trust in you.

if you are not happy with the decision dont just sit back and take it.. speak to your doctor again.

Konstantine · 28-07-2009, 03:13 PM

Im with CAMHS in England (Newcastle), could I still ask for a 2nd opinion?
Also, im 18 in March, is there any possible way I could get myself into adult services earlier, instead?

88shelz · 28-07-2009, 03:14 PM

yea of course you can still ask for 2nd opinion.
you could also ask if you could be put on the waiting list nowfor the adult waiting list.

Sadiew · 29-07-2009, 04:00 AM

well, everyone else has got it covered for the second referal. but, regarding the shade manual: that link didn't work, so I'll take your word on it. ^^ I see what you mean, it is often hard to try to identify your thoughts, especially if you've gotten to the point of sh-ing to deal with emotions, so you don't always absorb your thoughts and all. just write down what you can, and let them know what's going on, they should understand. if you don't have thoughts, you don't. just try to keep track of any thoughts you get w/ your feelings from now on, and try to pick them out. it could be suconscious.