Triggering (SI/Suicide) - I dont need them but i do but i dont

[Rain Keeper]

I have been without counselling in the office for about 8 weeks now. Without meds for about the same.
I call counsellor once a week...or text..to let her know what is going on. We talk about 10 minutes or so a week.

I told my counsellor i was thinking of going to the hospitalbut didnt know the right decision. you know what she said???

"I hope you get to feeling better. I dont know what the right decision is either."


NOw I feel like an idiot. cutting will worsen if i do it now...suicide...yep...still in check...

am i leaning on her to give me advice??? Is she supposed to help me there??? Now i dont know if I really need help or a person or what????


PLEASE RESPOND... I dont know what to think!

Rain

[Margo]

Firstly i dont think she gave you the right answer. They are usually unwilling to answer such direct questions and will usually get you in some way to figure out whether its the right thing to do or not. Just leaving you wondfering aint the best thing. Perhaps there were things on her mind or what ever. It doesnt really matter. Its not the main point here.

I know if i asked you what you thought you would say you dont know, get upset and want to shout at me. Thats fair enough.

However you do need to think about what it is you want? What would you want from the hospital if you went. What would you want to communicate to them?

The very fact you are considering it says that there is distress and things on your mind or in your feelings that you cant quite deal with and you are scared.

Im trying to imagine you writing this and when i do i imagine little girl eyes looking at me for the answer. Wanting your hand to be held and told it will be ok.

Firstly Rainies arent supposed to be getting through all this without any support. They need someone to talk to and they need to be getting help from other things too such as medication or other means by which to keep you healthy. If you dont want meds then look at diet. Its proven it can help with Bi-Polar.

Rainies should be getting more theraputic talkie treatment than 10 mins on the phone each week. The therapist cant see your face or read your body language. Rainies can hide behind the phone and say pretty much what they want and get away with it.

Make and take time to get at least an hour face to face each month. Until that time i want you to go with your gut instinct, stop thinking and questioning and call the hospital or just drive there and ask to talk to someone.

You cant try and work 80 hours per week and just hope that will make it all go away. You need to invest in yourself and start taking care of that lovely person called Rainey!

go get help. It will be ok. It will all be ok

you can email me if you like and ill answer as soon as i can .

Love Matthew xxx

[Rain Keeper]

RAIN IS SCARED.

[Rain Keeper]

I just got into a huge fight with my husband.

I tried to explain things. How tired, how down, how much I "see" myself doing things. I asked him if he wanted me to leave. He kept saying that he loved me. (we just celebrated 15 years of marriage on thursday). He doesnt want me gone. he worries about me. he worries I am thinking about cutting again. he loves me. he wants to know what i am thinking.

I hold off.

I dont love me much. I would rather be away than at home.

I think you were right Matthew. Work has taken over. What kind of scar does that leave?

If I cut right now, there would be an erasure of 4 months and one week. If I cut now...it would be bad...If I cut now, there would be no way to prove as accidental.
He loves me.

i know he does.

*sinking in the quicksand* I cant talk to her anymore. I cant take meds.

I EMBARRESS MYSELF TO A NEW LOW.

RAIN

[Rain Keeper]

I dont know what to say. I cant ask for help.

I am stronger than that. I can do it on my own.

I just cant leave my kids. I just cant leave myself. I cant leave him.

Neither Death or Life seem right.

[Rain Keeper]

I have been here before. facing this door.

somebody put a lock on it. tell me to turn. tell me i am making the right choice doing what i am doing. i dont trust my instincts anymore. I dont trust Rain. I dont.

[shadowedseraph]

Rain i hope your ok today, but sweetie go to the hospital, get some help. Listen to Matthew! we love you and want to see you around alot :)

[Bitter_Angel]

Rain courage is getting help not trying to survive without it. Coruage is seeing there is a problem and trying to fix it.
You have done so well to come so far and im proud of you but this is where it gets tough. this is where you have to fight an remember what you are fighting for becuase it will be worth it in the end hun.
If you need help get it. An get some therapy, having someone to talk to will only help.

[Rain Keeper]

I feel the more that i turn in the more it seems to be ok. I know this is a false illusion though. I know in my mind i am fixing to blow it out of porportion. I bought them last night. I put them against my skin. I didnt do it though I SAW AND SEE the direction, the force, the line to DRAW.

Bi polar. hte emotions. the anger of not being able to control. The want to cut. THE VIVID IMAGES I SEE.

I cant walk away from my kids. I keep telling myself I need the help. I know I need the help, but like Matthew asked...what do i need them to help me with???? TO GET AWAY...TO STOP ME FROM TONIGHT>>>>TO UNDERSTAND AND HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHAT I DONT HAVE THE GUTS TO SHOW OR TELL MYSELF OR HUSBAND>

Unless I can fill my night with work...Unless I can come up with a reason not to si tonight (maybe if i do it i can get the help i need) Unless I can come home and not fight about my being ok....i am resigning to the purchase that awaits me in my purse...small enough to be missed...light enough to be carried....sharp enough to reach the depths...

i am not doing ok...and as i write this i feel urgency...but i cannot make that call...i have to act to get the help... i feel this is the only way to get it...

Hopeless,
Rain

[Casper_Fading]

Struggling is a bitch isn't it? You've made the choice to stop self harming rainy. That was a near impossible choice for you. But there were reasons. Go back to those reasons. Just becasue time has passed, doesn't mean the reasons have changed. Don't lose yourself in the emotion.

I have a really good quote for this that I will find and come back to you with. I have to go to work in a minute.

Rainy you have courage. Courage isn't the absence of fear, it's being afraid but doing it anyways. You can get through this. You're stronger than you realise.

[Casper_Fading]

The quote I was thinking was:

You don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to stop them controlling you!

[Merc]

FRainy, I know (some) of the situation but I still feel IP/hospital is a good choice right now.
Your kids would hurt much more being left thru suicide than thru you taking time to then be better able to help them.
They may not understand that fully at this point, but in the meantime the y will reap the benefits..and it will give them valuable lesson : that it is perfectly ok to seek help when it is needed. It is another form of fighting.
You will be teaching them how important it is to care for themselves and do what needs to be done to ensure that.
Which can only result in a large benefit,
I KNOW how much you love them. You aren't 'deserting them', you are getting to the best place possible to help and guide them.
love you
romp

[Rain Keeper]

I woke up this morning in a daze, not knowing what happened. I dont remember much.

I understand what you are saying. I read it. Why is it so F***ING hard to do the "RIGHT" thing????

It has been so long since being in patient. I am scared. I feel so minute to this world- this world that doesnt need me anymore...except for those two---my two...my blood...my kids...

It is gut wrenching to be in this scenario.

I am sorry. I dont see it... I cant focus on anything but the struggle between life and death and harming and wanting all for my kids.

I wish i wasnt here.

Rain