Triggering (SI) - Ridiculous

[The Hierophant]

I can;t talk about what happened.
i never have been able to.

i ****ed up so badly that time.
and nothing i can ever do will ever change that.

i can't talk about it
i've tried

it's the only thing that makes me cut myself now.
but i just bottle this one thing up.

everything else i can talk about is ok... like i can talk about it and everything.
but this, i try and talk and i shake and worry and stuff.

this is so stupid.
typing this hear... no doubt someone will see it.
and ask whats wrong.
on msn or something.

i think i need to go hide for awhile.
or like i dunno.

but this thing.
it's stupid.

just like this post.
feel free to ignore it.

really.
i won't be offended.

[The Hierophant]

I know there is someone i could call.
i've tried.

but i keep hanging up before it starts ringing.
god i'm an idiot.

even though he doesn't know anything about it.
no-one does.

eh i'm pathetic

[~*forever_broken*~]

Hunni it's not stupid...they're your feelings and those are never stupid (though I understand from experience how easy it is to feel that way)...
I'm not going to press you...I won't even ask...just please know that I care...
Take care hun, and pm if you would like (about anything, not just this).

Alyssa

[The Hierophant]

I think i wanna run away from this.
everything.

i don't think i wanna run away.
i know i do.

Hello my dear, and near namesake.
I read this, and as a fellow bottler, I am telling you, bottling is bad. It just fills and fills till it bursts, and causes more damage.
Don't do it, love. Talk to someone. Anyone.
My ears are always there for you, if you would like to fill them with your words.
That came out a little weirder then I intended...
But please, anytime you are sitting there thinking "noone will listen" I WILL!!! Just prod me. :)
Erin

[The Hierophant]

I thought sleeping on it would make it better.

Im having to sit on the phone to Saz because she's upset.
and it's ****ing stupid.

it's all ****ing stupid.


THIS JUST ISN'T FAIR.
but when was life fair?

especially to me.
i got so close to telling him last night, we spoke on the phone for about an hour... i actually am going to have a massive phone bill.

god i hate debt.
he said for me to go round when i woke up.

but i can't put myself on him, i'm such a burden.
i'm so ****ing stupid.

I NEED TO BREAK OUT OF THESE THOUGHT PATTERNS.
i know i do.

i've been lying to everybody james said... especially myself.
and it's true.

i knew all along i just had to have somone tell me.
and now i don't know what to do.
this referral is taking forever.
mental health in our town is so overstretched.

remember in the news that woman who had the kid at 62?
yeah she was my ex therapist.
no wondeer i'm so screwed.

ARGH.

[Margo]

Erin IS Queen Bottler! Listen to the wise one!

For the record i dont think its stupid at all. I dont need to know what it is you cant talk about either. Its obvious that it was traumatic and things like that are difficult to talk about. Im sure many many of us have things that cause us trauma that we cant talk about too!

I think its the brains way of protecting itself. The feelings and emotions are so powerful and scary that in order to prevent overload the brain shuts that little piece of history off. Its just protecting you. But you DO need to get it out!

As for not being able to change the past.....well you are right. i think the thing that trips most people up is that they think there is no hope because the past events cant be changed. Healing past events isnt about getting in a time maching and maki9ng them all go away and be diferent cus thats just impossible and silly. Healing (through therapy/self help etc) is about learnign to see/hear/feel the past differently. Its about looking back at what happened with a different perspective and learning to see it in a way that is no longer damaging to ourselves. Ita about learning to forgive ourselvs and those that hurt us in order that we may live our lives again. Its NOT about forgetting. Its not about Vindicating the others actions either or making them seem "OK". It is about learning to see differently. when we see the past differently it DOES change.

Yup thats all

Take care

hugs and a small chicken called Steve

Matthew xxx