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is this as good as it gets? I cant DO living...
so... after years of trying to get help... and being made worse by the crap way i was treated by them... i finally got a years worth of therapy and then went travelling around asia for six months alone which was awesome. now im back and trying to hold down a job... something ive always struggled with... and while im clearly a lot better (id say i was totally fine when away) i keep getting really really low and crying at work everyday and for like an hour when i get in. im so scared of losing my job and everything also ive never self harmed much but the desire to now is so strong... keep feeling really dizzy and sick and just wanting to hurt myself just to keep going... its totally different to before when itd be cos i wanted to destroy myself. i can neve have a relationship cos i cant cope when they go wrong and i appear to be unloveable by my track record. also i gave up smoking pot 2 months ago and its awful, life is so depressing without. im terrified and just want to die cos im really alone no one understands and my friends have mostly ****ed off since i was travelling and its so hard to meet ppl i get on with, im only supposed to be here for a few months til i go to malaysia again but i still am struggling despite this to look forward to. i just cant do life... i cant hold down a job, its so depressing having to go into work everyday how do people do it?? and i just want a cuddle and theres no one. oh and to make it worse i met an awesome bloke last weekend but i was 1.5 hrs late out of work and appeared to stand him up (he was meeting me from work) and we hadnt swopped numbers and he was just up for his bros stag weekend so i wont even see him around. im supposed to be in work now but i told them i was ill i feel dizzy and sick and paranoid... you wouldnt recognise me from 3 weeks ago... i was independent solo traveller confident and makin people laugh... whats happend? why does having to work and being lonely (more here cos no other backpackers around) make me so different and unable to cope?? and i cant get signed off sick cos its not enought to live on cos im under 25 i dont know what to do i want a cuddle
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