Triggering (OD) - alter taking overdose? *poss trig SA and dissociation*

[bobbiwibble]

erm, not sure what to do... sorry for asking here im just a bit panicked

i'm thinking lottie (in my body) might have taken an overdose. yes, i was feeling suicidal earlier, but now im not.... maybe i deserve that then.
but it isnt even something that could kill me - its citalopram which apparently doesnt kill you just some liver damage and serious mood swings which i really dont need at the moment..
she wont come up, i cant call her. she is in fact the only person who can call people up to the surface. but i kn ow she was feeling bad, we had a very bad session with a counsellor and she is only little. i cant find the citalopram but i just got back from holiday so my room and the whole house is a tip anyway.. i can feel mood swings coming on, which will lead to dissociation, flashbacks.. probably just a placebo affect.. but will end with me calling the Bad Man and threatening to go to the police and will furtherly end with me hanging up scared and him coming and waiting for me and doing the bad thing... cant afford mood swings... but dont want to spend wasted night at hospital having them ask me personal questions i cant answer
**** im so scared
for me overdoses are about CONTROL.
and now i dont even have control over that
god i know its pathetic....
what do i do?!?
im sorry.. i just dont know what to do. the first aid forum will obviously tell me its best to go to the hospital just in case.... but hospitals - especially my local the Princess Royal - are very VERY triggering to me and might do more harm than good
ive turned the room upside down but cant find the citalopram, which as least means shes moved them. that doesnt mean much - id already taken 1 today but i know she has a weird faith in drugs... she's been known to take an extra one thinking it will have an instant effect.. never worried too much about it. but what if she took the whole packet... shes watched me do that with every drug i can come across.. but the control the control has gone... cant even control that how pathetic is THAT

[Emo]

I know its scary but you need to go to hospital you need to be checked out
i know it is hard for you please get help

Ella

[bobbiwibble]

what if theres nothign wrong with me
what if im there for hours (im allergic to most of the drips theyve put into me, especially pervolex, so i have to be on a 24 hour drip instead of a short one - they once pumped my stomach because they decided it would be quicker) so i could be there for ages, come home feeling suicidal, which i dont at the moment, and then find out lottie took one or two and then they fell down the side of the bed or in a drawer or something

[lozza]

could you maybe call your counsellor hun? maybe they will be able to help you figure out if you did take extra meds or not..

sorry this reply is crap. thinking of you
*cuddles*

[bobbiwibble]

not a real counsellor just a horrible one, first session and said some really horrible sexual-abuse-related things, also told us we dont qualify for long-term therapy. we dont like her.
dont think she did do anything.. when i took a citalopram overdose before i felt it within a couple of hours, so it should be alright cos all im feeling is standard placebo-paranoia
thanks for your replies though they kept me sane..... i promise if i start to feel anything weird then i will try to go to the hospital
xxx

[lozza]

hang in there... am here if you wana chat

[bobbiwibble]

thank you.. am trying to hang in there.. dont think im doing very well have been on holiday for 2 weeks (with my mum and dad - hated it while i was out there, having only them to talk to and no way of avoiding my dad) just starting to realise how much i miss being out of the country, felt safer. not safe now, have to come to terms again with the fact that theres someone who wants to hurt me. and the fact that i think i might be attention seeking. cant stop posting, cant stop writing and writing, and yet the ranting// venting forum doesnt help at all.. which means i want replies and thats just attention seeking im saying it before anyone else can

[bobbiwibble]

im not scared that i will die from the overdose, if there is one. but i drink too much too so am already worried about liver damage, and a 10 year olds suicide attempt tends not to mean much, especially if shes only been around for less than a year
so seems a bit of a waste, if that makes sense.. ive lived for 19 years, what right does she have to give up after a few months and kill us all

i dont know how much sense im making sorry......................

[ASoulofExtremes]

Is there someone who knows your condition whom you can talk to? Is there any way to communicate with Lottie? I think the best thing to do is remain calm, do some research and find out how many mg will be harmful if ingested, estimate how many she may have taken. Calm, logical thinking might be the only way to get through this without seeking professional medical care.

I am not a professional, and if you are that concern, a hospital is your best bet. But since you are choosing to stay, all I can offer is my input if I wer ein your situation.

Hang in there, come back and let us know you are alright.

[bobbiwibble]

thank you.. there isnt, really. ive written a wrote for her but i've been Me ever since so i dont know. i guess i cant blame her because if i took an overdose id be endangering my alters lives, i dont even know if she has. but she doesnt understand because shes too young she probably doesnt take it as seriously as me. all shes ever known is pain whereas i at least have happy innocent memories from when I was 10. im not sure, because i have been VERY low in the last couple of hours, but then there was some triggering stuff tonight and then the worry of that, plus the placebo effect which always affects me majorly cos i'm pretty suggestive or whatever the word is
she could only have taken 13 40mg tablets, which could definitely not cause short-term problems. sorry i think i was panicking.. worst case scenario: i have to go to my doctor and try to explain and say i need some more tablets... i think citalopram, and most anti-anxiety/depression meds have low toxicity levels, at least someone i trust told me that, although it might just have been to stop me trying to OD on them. i dont know. im rambling i know, sorry.... everything is just not great at the moment and i think this is the straw that broke the donkey's back.
i'll be okay :) i think it was the lack of control that got to me. i expect i'll get a diary entry from lottie tomorrow saying 'is that what you think of me youre horrible' and then she'll sulk for two days (you have to feel sorry for someone who is beginning to enter puberty but has 19-year-old hormones whizzing around her body - equals chaos)
wow still rambling
sorry
thank you
xxx