Hey,
I'm so glad that no trains did come & that you are still here.
I'm wondering what is making you feel so low, that you would like to take your stash of meds though?
I do understand how frustrating it is having to go over everything with someone new each time you see someone different, but they are there to help, and I'm sure they will try and help you in the best way they can.
Do you think you can manage to tell the registrar, exactly how your feeling, and where you went tonight, & why? I'm sure it would help them to get a better understanding of where you are at this moment.
I managed not to take my stash, was so tempted though but am not convinced i have enough pills to kill me
I will tell the registrar.
it is just tiring after TEN years of having to go over stuff with psychs etc.
i don't want to feel like this anymore
*hugs* I know its tough having to start fresh with someone new... if it helps can you maybe write some stuff down or show the the register some of your posts??
sorry am not much help. please hang in there
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
thanks.....
I'm currently trying to write some stuff out, but I feel so tired and all over the place it's not coming out very well. still, i guess it's better than nothing.
it's 6.30am... am so very tempted to go back to the train tracks, or may be even a walk to the local park. sometimes I do that. I go spotting which trees would be good to hang myself from. stupid, i know.
When are you due to see the registrar as it sounds like you are at a pretty high risk. If you are really finding things that tempting, perhaps it would be an idea to go to a&e and ask to speak to the duty psych there.
Either way, you need to be honest with them about how you are feeling.
*hugs*
Sorry, I am really tired and finding it hard to think, so sorry I can not find better words right now.
Roiben x
If the Human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple that we wouldn't.
appt was a waste of time
specialist registrar said he wouldn't change things cos he's only covering for another month until they can find a locum. then the locum will only be there for about four months.
i'm just so sick of it all.
my cpn is fucking useless. she goes on about how she jknows me well and how good i am at getting myself to a & e.
this psych i saw is the crisis team psych so he's not gonna do anything if i turn up at a & e.
it's just so pointless
Last edited by discovery_journey : 16-07-2009 at 01:44 PM.
Reason: cos it's not fair to post a suicide note
Oh honey, It really isn't pointless.
If you really are at risk which it honestly does sound like you are, then I really would consider going back to A & E as they will have to listen to you and do something.
Failing that, could you call a helpline? The Sam's are good, and are always there.
phoned crisis team
they said i had to speak to my cpn
phoned cpn's office
she's on phone
i'm sorry. i'm just so sorry.
it hurts so mcuh and i can't stand it
i phoned my gp's surgery to ask for more haloperidol and lorazepam, the nurse practitioner says she's going to have to refer it to the gp, so am waiting on that too.
tbh, i still have some haloperidol and lorazepam, I only want more so i can od on it. there, i've admitted it.
I care.
I'm sorry I've only just got to read this. I really hope that you managed to get hold of your CPN in the end & that the Dr's didn't prescribe you the medication, since you were planning to Overdose on it.
*hugs* i'm sorry you're feeling so suicidal. could you go to the hospital? you really deserve to live. i know it's hard but just keep going. i know it doesn't look like things will get better, but you're strong to have made it 10 years, you can make it more.
i spoke to my cpn eventually and we didn't get on. i hung up on her. she was out of order.
i get my prescription tomorrow morning.
i am trying my hardest not to act out but it is so hard not to.
i want to cut my arms to shreds, but i keep saying... you can do that tomorrow, as a way of talking my way out of it.
i want to OD desperately as a way out of life
i want to stand on the train tracks and not go through the pain that is this life
i wanna f*cking die.
can't remember ins and outs of convo with cpn now. it's probably all my fault and i probably totally over reacted.
feeling a bit calmer today. still have suicidal and self harm thoughts but not so explosive.
I just don't want to exist. At All.
((squishes))
arrives abit late to the thread but provides *hugs*
and i know its draining to re go over things but eventually one of them will help you :)
glad you spoke top your cpn
have you reminded safe today?
The Soul Would Have No Rainbows If The Eyes Had Shed No Tears
[Laurel Burch]
Believe in yourself and your dreams. For when you do. You can achieve anything!
I am going to France on Thursday to visit my parents for two weeks.
I am taking my six year old niece and my three year old nephew with me.
I don't want to go.
And I certainly don't want to take two young children with me. (I know that sounds mean).
I have been having suicidal thoughts again today and self harm thoughts too.
I took the dressing off my arm from the cut I did last Saturday that they dressed in A&E.
I want to do it again.
My eating is out of control and am binging and binging.
My spending is out of control. I am £3,000 OD. I don't know how it got so bad.
I barely have a relationship with my bf. I am seeing him tomorrow. He owes me £50. I think I will finish with him. I don't deserve to be in a relationship.
My parents keep asking me am I excited about going to France. I lie through my teeth and say how much I'm looking forward to it.
I'm not. It is like pulling teeth.
I want to self medicate and hide away. Better still drift away and just die. May be this is possible.
I can't have a relationship because I can't cope with the memories, physical and mental from SA and r*pe.
I have cut myself off from my cpn. which is all my own fault.
I don't know which way to turn.
things are just a disaster.
my home is a mess. My kitched smells and i don't know how to make it stop. i think it's the fridge. i've had onion and lemon in there to try and take the smell away.
i am living in a sh*t hole and it's all my own fault.
