So then.....how to start and not make this go on for ages.....I seem to waffle lots, even more at the moment as my mind is racing and I can't do things quick enough, I'm writing more to do lists than I usually do, lol.
Anyhoo, I have had spells of depression since I was 13, though until I was 17 this was relatively mild. I was raped when 17 and thats when the SI (cutting) started and depression became far worse. I attempeted suicide when I was 19. I have then had periods where I seem to deal with life ok - thanks to prozac mainly - and then times when I completely fall apart, this past year has been hell. More depressed than ever, on 60mg of prozac a day and still having suicidal thoughts, though they believed this to be linked with a condition called PreMenstrual Disphoric Disorder. I'm having intragitive therapy including CAT and CBT.
So then, why the question on am I bi-polar? well.....
Last thursday I SH'd (No cutting though I was a good girl), friday I was in the virtual psych ward in vets all day to try and stay safe cos I seriously wanted to end things, I went to bed at 8.30pm as I needed to get the day over with.....whislt waiting for my night meds to kick in to make me sleep I started reading a book called 'Earth Angels' and I had a spiritual epiphany!! Everything fell into place, all the sufferring made sense, I was given a purpose again.....I am an Incarnated Angel and now I'm so happy. Like by 9pm I was phoning up people to let them know I was an Incarnated Angel and everything was going to be ok now!!
So its gone 9pm on the friday a week later and I've been happy all week, including when I had to go to see my father & step mother (normally a SI triggering experience), I stayed happy when I was in bed for 2days due to my back going into spasm....though the morphine painkillers may have helped!! I'm just so happy that I'm feeling happy. I haven't felt this good in years!! Everything seems so much clearer now, I even felt fantastic enough to throw away all my cutting kit on thursday when the bins went out!! It felt so good to do it. And I've been waking up earlier and earlier. 7.45am yesterday, 7am today. Thats not happend in years, mainly due to a combination of my M.E, depression and medication. But I woke up, I've nothing to do, I knew I'd be tired later, but there was no point in lying in bed (ha! Not something I would have said 2weeks ago, lying in bed for nothing was a good thing back then!) So I got up and enjoyed looking at the beautiful morning sky whilst having a fag at 7.20am and trying to remember the last time I was awake at that hour, naturally and happy! I did need a nap about 5pm this evening, but got up at 6.40pm and have continued my day....happily!! And I'll probably go to bed at my regular time...due to my medications.
I've also been eating less, hmm, like today, I've only had lunch and thats because I went to meet my mum for lunch. As I sit here I realise that actually I think I am hungry but I've been so busy doing things that stopping to eat hasn't taken priority.
So, the sudden and extreme happiness after several depressive bouts, the waking up earlier, the not eating as much, oh and the belief that I'm an Incarnated Angel all make for a bit of a case study for bipolar from my understanding.
Any ideas guys?! I know you can't give me diagnosis, I'm thinking my therpaist is currently going over the tape recordings of sessions at my drastic turn around. But is it not possible that someone can have an amazing spiritual experience that changes their lives for the better and just the initial happiness and the happiness related endorphins that are then subsequently released bring about further changes?! Can I not just have gone from suicidal to hopefull by reading a book?! I don't want to be ill, I don't want them to medicate me. I'm enjoying being an incarnated angel. Surely if I'm happy and I'm not hurting myself or anyone else then they can't make me do anything?!
Oh my goodness, and this was me trying to be condensed!! I hope those of you who have managed to read through to the end may have some words of wisdom for me. If not, then just thank you for taking the time to read it.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
oh no, I didn't expect a diagnosis, infact I'd rather not have one, I'd rather just be happy. I was just wondering if anyone else had had experiences themselves or know people with bi-polar, so they could say, shut up you muppet and don't worry about things, they won't medicate you for being a happy angel....
.....Its just I'm happy and I'm pretty sure I'm sane, but there's this little niggling doubt, but I don't want to go to a dr and them ruin my happy spell, I'm sure my psych will go into it further next week.....ho hum.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Noone can diagnose you, as above says, from my experience..
I have bipolar I - when I am manic, I don't realise it, I'm just feeling feelings, which don't carry thoughts of "is this ok", according to me, I'm just doing what is coming natural to me. My episodes also last about 1 - 2 months (hence bipolar I )
Best seeing your doc, it could be a reaction to the meds as opposed to a different disorder.
A lot of disorders overlap each other so even if you think you have bi-polar you might have something completly different. But everyone here is going to tell you the same thing, you need to have a proffesional diagnosis, not you thinking you have something.
"Its not how long a star shines, what is remembered is the brightness of the light"
obv no diagnosis. if recent events have questioned your diagnosis its so important to speak to your doc. mental health is such a difficult issues to cope and for the medical profession to treat. having open and honest communication is key. recent events in your life, my prove to important in your treatment plan or it may just be that your symptoms are changing/leaving either way it would prob be a good idea to keep a short note of dates and feelings/emotions/behaviours (which your prob doing for your CBT anyway) this will defo aid any chat/discussion you have with your doc.
Talk to your doctor, no one here can diagnose you....
You say you don't want a diagnosis but why the title 'Am i bi-polar?'
Talk to your Dr= good plan.
Perhaps the book did help, perhaps your spiritual epiphany is the reason for your turn-around. I find sometimes that little things, realizations or other can drastically help functioning. Hope the positivity and angel-ness continues, it seems like you really deserve it after the long period of shitty-ness.
Look after yourself and hope your Dr can help you out.
Ok, I'm not trying to diagnose you of course, but just give you some ideas of whether it is or isn't bipolar. of course you need to see your doc for a proper diagnosis, but they've all covered that. from my experience you might be having a hypomanic episode. I'm bipolar II (I don't get complete manic episodes) so I know about this, and what you are describing sounds kind of familiar. this leads to a site about syptoms of a hypomanic episode: http://counsellingresource.com/distr...-symptoms.html you could have had a spiritual ephiphany that just really stuck with you; I heard about people that find God or something and it really makes a difference for them. but, it can also be a hypomanic thing; sometimes I would think I had an ephiphany but it was cause I was in a really good/happy mood or something. But, this isn't to discourage you, you could very well be right. And there isn't really anything wrong with a hypomanic episode (in my opinion), it makes you feel great and you act more proactively and everything. but, if it is an episode it can lead into a manic episode - which can be very dangerous and scary/frustrating from what i've heard - or it could crash really hard back into depression. but yeah, you need to check w/ your shrink/doc. my psychiatrist diagnosed me and it's been helpful to know what's going on and to take proper meds. you should get that done.
- Judge someone not by how they treat their equals but by how they treat their inferiors. -
- Light a man a fire, warm him for a day. Light a man on fire, warm him for the rest of his life. -
Warum schreist du nicht? Warum verschenkst du dich? Warum qualst du dich? Wenn der Regnet fellt weist du es.
i'd talk to your dr. and i don't think they'll do anything to take it away (med wise) as long as your safe and you don't seem any danger to yourself or others. whatever it is, i'm glad you're happy. :)
