in an internet cafe... in greece, on holiday, so trying to make the most of it and be happy, and i am feeling happy as well as safe than when i was in england.. but this thing keeps niggling at me..
so ive managed to pick up a throat infection, pretty serious one, its fungal which i know sounds so incredibly disgusting, toadstools on the inside of my throat and oesophagus or however thats spelt... im heavily dosed up on antibiotics so it doesnt hurt much but it feels constantly like im about to throw up, especially when i try to swallow. i'm not eating at all - but then theres loads of stuff im not allowed to eat so maybe thats just as well, better safe than sorry. i dont like throwing up or even feeling like i may because it triggers me so ive been quite edgy and irritable.
but when i went to the doctors she asked my mum to leave the room for a minute and then said 'are you in relationship?' (i think it was the dodgy english that made it all worse because she had no idea how to tactful in her second language)
i said no, thinking 'oh shes going to say that i cant kiss anyone for a month' and she did say that, but that wasnt what she was saying
'may i ask what you have been putting in your mouth?'
'what?' i croaked
'you know, over the last weeks, if you have been putting anything in your mouth in a relationship'
I had no idea what to say to that, 'no' is the obvious answer, AND its the truth but i just clamped up and my eyes went too wide and she looked at me all knowingly and said 'aha' and then told my mum to come back in
i hated it, i hated her saying that, i hated her even asking.
i've done *that* to 3 people in my whole life - one of those was of my own free will. and i stopped after thirty seconds, burst into tears and threw up all over his bed.
i dont, i dont do that!!!! but the way she looked at me, i hated it
what if she could tell?
its something i used to worry about quite a lot, virginity wise. you know how sometimes you look at people and you just know their a virgin, or that they're gay? i used to worry that people would look at me and see R*PEBAIT stamped on my forehead, but now i see that its sososo much worse that they could look at me and know i've given someone a... you-know-what. i dont want that. i dont think id even mind as much if it had been my choice. butg she's judging me on something i had no control over whatsoever (except that of course that isnt true and i could have refused theres lots i couldve done)
