I don't know if this is going to make any sense or if it is even something that is 'answerable.' I know that it's going to be long and ranty so please feel free to ignore it. I've just come out of a very long and intense period of being suicidal, about 7 months. I am still suicidal but it isn't so intense, I don't feel like I have to die right at this moment. Everyone involved in my care has felt powerless about what to do, including myself, but i've recently started taking Fluoxetine which I have taken before and it helped. It is helping again but I can feel the effects wearing off like it did the last time I was on it. I am going to ask if my dose can be increased.
I just can't get away from feeling suicidal. On top of this I also can't stop thinking about overdosing because I overdosed the last time I was on this medication. I know how much I can safely take and I want to take more than that. Not to die, but at the same time I wish that it would kill me. I want the freedom to die but I can't hurt my brother. I think I have OCD, my last psychologist thinks that I have OCD, my psychiatrist accepts that I have OCD but thinks that it should be ignored. My obsessions centre around my brother's wellbeing, I can't do anything to make him hurt. I can't stand him feeling any negative emotion. I can't cope with anything going even mildly wrong for him. If he is 'normal' sad or 'normal' worried I freak out. No matter how many compulsions I carry out I still wouldn't be able to protect him from the pain that my suicide would cause.
The last time I saw my psychologist he mentioned something about borderline which I assume he meant BPD. He said that he dosen't think I am suicidal because I am depressed but that it is more to do with borderline. I should have asked him for clarification I guess. I am supposed to be being referred to another psychiatrist for a second opinion on my suicidality and mental health because my current psychiatrist isn't that great. I don't know if this will even happen. I just want to know what is going on. I want someone to properly acknowledge my OCD and anything else that might be going on with my mental health. I want to be getting the treatment that is right for me. I have also been referred to a CPN but the waiting list is 10 weeks.
I want to get better but I am scared. If I get well all of my support will be taken away from me and I will have nothing. I have no support within my family. If I have no support I will get ill again. But then my support will come back. I don't feel like I have enough support right now. I see a psychologist once a fortnight, my psychiatrist once every 6 months, and my GP whenever I need to but she repeatedly tells me that she doesn't know what to do.
My boss is very supportive, she has been chasing things up for me. The last time I spoke to her I got very upset and my cheek started twitching. I didn't even realise that I was getting upset. Now I start twitching a little when I have any one to one conversations with anyone. It reminds me of that conversation and I panic that I am going to twitch so it ends up happening. I don't know if people really notice though. I'm scared that I will never be able to have a proper conversation again. Even when I am listening to patients at my work I get panicky.
When I am talking to patients I wish that I could be them, that I could take the risks that they take without worrying about the hurt that I would cause. To know that someone would pick up the pieces for the rest of my family if I hurt them. I am the only one in my family who can pick up the pieces for them and for myself. When something goes wrong with me it's down to me to sort it out, when something goes wrong with my Dad it's down to me to sort it out, when something goes wrong with my brother it's down to me to sort it out. The patients are exactly like me, it makes me wonder if I should be in hospital too, or maybe it's just that they shouldn't be in hospital.
There is still blood inside my car from when I self harmed on the day when I reached out for support and was turned away. I was very suicidal so I went to A&E. They assessed me, had no idea what to do, phoned my incompetent psychiatrist who told them to send me home. So they sent me home and didn't even tell me what to do next. I gave them the medication I had saved up. The next day I felt able to kill myself. I still regret giving them my means.
I'm worried about my physical health too even though I have no symptoms really. I keep thinking that I am going to stop breathing, get cancer, or go blind. There might be something hidden inside of me that is wrong. I am just wrong full stop.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
There's a lot of info in there but I'd just like to focus on this bit. That is not true, you will not become ill from lack of support. Recovery is about finding your inner resources and taking responsibility for your own mental well-being. When you recover you will be able to cope and will be able to function without MH services.
As for wishing you were those patients, I can see why that might be tempting for you, it sounds like a lot of your feelings are wanting to be taken care of, to be absolved of responsibility. And whilst those patients may have people to help them pick up the pieces, but think of the distruction they leave in their wake, families ripped apart, relationships destroyed, imagine the guilt those patients must feel once they are well enough to comprehend what their actions have done to others.
That's not to say how your feeling is wrong, it's feelings I can empathise with. But you need to remember you are stronger than you think, you have battled suicidal feelings for this long and have survived, you can do this, you may need support right now, but hopefully when you have the right support for you you can undertake the journey to be able to cope on your own.
I had a really hard day at work, no one was having a good day (well one person was.) Someone had self harmed in the morning, another person was told that they would be in hospital until January so they were telling me that they were going to kill themselves, someone else was really agitated and was trying to run away, they said that they had tried to hang themselves. When I was speaking to the person who had self harmed I said that they must be having a really hard time and they sarcastically said that they were having a great time. It made me feel like an idiot and I have been struggling not to self harm myself ever since, i'm not sure that I can keep fighting the urge.
I still keep twitching when i'm listening to people and it's embarrassing. If i'm uncomfortable around people then I can't do this job and I ultimately can't be a clinical psychologist. I was planning on applying for my Msc in Psychology in Primary Care this August but I guess that I shouldn't.
Everything has made me realise that suicide is the way forward that is right for me. I just need the freedom to do it.
I'm still really concerned about needing to wear glasses. I only wear them when i'm driving because that's what my optician told me to do but I think I should be wearing them all of the time. I don't want to wear them all of the time because I haven't been told to but at the same time I should be using my own initiative and instinct I guess. Why do such small things cause me big problems?
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
I also worry that my support will all go if I recover. However, my CPN reassured me that when I am recovered I will no longer need support. They wont abandon me, but when I am better I will most likely be telling them to leave me alone! It's hard to think of what "being recovered" is like, and I quite often panic and think I'll still be ill and alone. But in actual fact you wont need support any more, you'll be able to cope and you'll be well.
Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything is different…
you once called your brain a hard drive, well say hello to the virus.
*hugs* you don't need to kill yourself. and your support won't disappear if you start recovering. i can see why you feel the need to be like the patients. you can emphasize with them and that's good. keep going. you are strong and you can get through this. feel free to pm me anytime.
That sounds like a really hard day. If I remember correctly you are a peer supporter or something aren't you? So work are aware you have had mental health problems? Maybe if you could let them know just how much you are struggling now they could make a few adjustments to make things easier for you.
With the glasses if you are unsure go chat with your optician, if you do need them fulltime then maybe consider contact lenses. Some of the new ones are so light and soft you barely can feel them when you are wearing them. The little things being hard, I can understand that, for example if someone doesn't reply to an email I agonise over wether it'd be rude to resend it, wether they are ignoring me etc. What I tend to try and do in those situations is think of what your average person would do. Or maybe even ask people's opinions of what they'd do in that situation.
Life is so overwhelming, I can't cope with it. I can't even tell anyone how much I am struggling because I will get upset and twitch even more. I can't tell them about my twitching because I will twitch even more and they will notice even more.
I'm getting myself worked up about (imaginary) problems that my brother has. He failed his driving test today but he has just got a car. I'm worried about how he will get the car out of the drive because the man who brought it round has parked it strangely, i'm worried that he might not be able to move the driver's seat forward so won't be able to reach the pedals, i'm worried that I will then have to help him to get someone at the garage to fix it, i'm worried that he will put too much or too little engine coolant in the car because the thing that it goes in is so dirty that you can't see how much liquid is in it, i'm worried that he will be anxious about driving and we will be stranded somewhere because he doesn't want to drive home, i'm worried that at some point I will have to drive the car.
I am worried that life is as overwhelming for him as it is for me.
Driving is overwhelming, people are overwhelming, work is overwhelming, home is overwhelming, free time is overwhelming, time in general is overwhelming, eating, waking up, not having perfect health, the future, the past the present, it's all too much for me.
It's all too much for my Dad too, he is old, he doesn't know how to cope with things. He is not a good role model for us. I can't ever have children because I will not be a good role model. I don't think that I will ever be able to cope with life, the only time I get a break is when I sleep. I have to die. It is the only solution but I need help to do it.
I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much.
Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass.
*offers you hugs*
Is there a phoneline you could call? Is there someone you could tell how your feeling? I'm sorry, I really don't have any advice, just that if you need to talk - I am here.
If there is anything I can do, please just say.
These feelings will pass sweetheart - Just keep holding on.
