Losing the plot.

[PsCasino]

This is my first, and quite possibly only, post, but after the emotional rollercoaster that has been my second year of University I feel I have to get a number of things on my chest.

My recreational drug use started early in my first year where I had easy access to cannabis on an almost daily basis, not a unique situation and something I'm sure others can relate to. Marijuana however, has never really been too much of an issue, despite from the occassional 'whitey' when mixed with too big of a drinking session, and a decline in athletic activity I feel I had my pot smoking relatively under control. It did serve as a 'gateway' drug as numerous drug education organisations give it credit for, and is likely to put you in contact with people who do more than deal a little weed, but more on that later.
Overall my first year was fairly lazy but I passed with alright grades and a irritatingly persistant cough.

Now, second year rolled around, a summer of mind numbing graft at my local book store had made me softer, chubbier, and a great deal lazier. I began the year with long, messy hair and a grubby jack daniels T-shirt, the height of fashion of the binge drinking slacker generation borne of the 80's. The work was harder blah de blah, but now I had cash, an abundance of free time and a few new mates. We started on the clubbing bracket; weed was now substituted for coke, e's, MDMA, speed, or whatever else we could get our grubby hands on. Sure the good times rolled, i mean who wouldn't wanna be a sweaty, boggle eyed/pale faced lunatic dancing his arse off for six hours before collapsing into a state I can only describe as brutally introspective insomnia. Staring at the ceiling for six-twelve hours, complete inability to sleep or even get up, can't eat, drink, or face another memeber of the human race. Sigh. good times.
Anyway I'm ranting, well, that's little surprise as while I've been writing this i've been switching between laughing, twitching and randomly bursting into tears, I'm completely sober to boot.

Okay, I feel I've lost the whole reason for posting this.
Just a summary of this last week then i'll go piss off do something else with mytime. This last week was officially the last time I will touch any mind altering substance, including alcohol and even nicotine. I have taken a ridiculous amount of strong MDMA over the last seven days chasing an unattainable high. I periodically ruined my mother's birthday with my erratic mood swings and pessimistic commentary, the same year we all suffered a family loss and she really should've had the one weekend without me being a complete asshole. I'm running out of steam now, well if anyone reads that feel free to respond, I can't guarantee I'm gonna post again because for some reason that whole confession has been mildly depressing.

Anyway take care.

[typsee]

hmmm ... Actually, I'm not surprised that you're feeling a bit depressed after writing this post .... I got a real heavy, sinking feeling just reading it!

From what I sense from your post, its like your life is going downhill ... you can see it happening right in front of your eyes, but up until now, you havent been in the right position or right frame of mind to be able to do something to stop it from happening.

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but you dont seem very happy about the effect that your drug use is having on your life, and your relationships with friends and family. Maybe you could get away with your drug use in the early days, without it interfering too much in your day to day life ... you could just scrape by without being too worse off for the experience.

But now, it seems that something has happened (the last week ... your family's loss .... your Mum's birthday) that has opened your eyes to how bad things have gotten for you.

I know in my own experience, it was how my alcoholism effected my family, which was the worst thing about my addiction ... it's like it didnt matter too much if it was only me who was effected, but seeing my Mum in so much emotional pain, worry and distress over me and my actions, was like too much for me to bear! And this is when I would drink some more to numb out the reality of the situation and escape this knowledge ... which of course made everything that much worse!

I hope you do write some more.
I know that talking about this stuff can be a bit depressing - its no picnic about the way drugs and alcohol can really wreak havok in some people's lives and relationships .... But if you stay true to your word about never using mind-altering substances again, then chances are that you're going to need some sort of support or other, and I dont know what your 'real life' support systems look like ... but I know that alot of people prefer the anonymity of being able to post on the net and get this stuff out of their head.

Anyway .... I guess its up to you... but we're always here if you want to talk some more.

Good luck with it!

[PsCasino]

Hi, thanks for posting a reply. You're right about a lot of things, I'm definately not happy about how drug use has adversely affected my life and it wasn't until recently I've actually taken a step back and realised all the damage it has really caused.
I'm tackling a particularly unpleasant depression bout at the moment, a lot of introspection and general re-evaluation of where my life is actually going. Maintaining the internet anonymity I'm going to fill in a few blanks about myself, maybe it'll help others advise me (if they choose to do so) or serve as a warning to people who find themselves in a similar situation. As I mentioned in my previous post I'm at University, London in the UK to narrow it down a little, I'm male, 22 years old and studying English Literature. I just got the grades for my second year and I received 4 A's, 2 B's a C and an F, I'm only mentioning this to show i'm not a complete layabout and that I should, in general, have something to be cheerful about!
My life is quite clearly going downhill, but I honestly have no idea how to stop this from happening! I know it sounds melodramatic, I should stay at Uni, finish etc, go get a job afterwards but lately that all seems so hollow. My relationship with my family may soon be irrepareably damaged, my health is definately at a low (although i have started to visit the gym again, stopped smoking and no longer drink) and I don't seem to be capable of having a one on one conversation with anyone (family, friends or stranger) without some sort of emotional outburst. One of the strangest symptoms is that i have been entirely incapable of crying, I can sob or it seems like I'm going to break down but I just can't do it, it just ends, my eyes are red and watery but i can carry on normally, I'm definately starting to worry about my mental health.
To ease the mind of anyone reading this I have an appointment with a doctor tomorrow, maybe some counselling may be in order.

I hope things are better for you now, i'm very interested in how you coped and what you are doing now.

[typsee]

Hey PsCasino - I know this is a bit late, but how did it go at the doctors?

You definitely do sound very depressed .... and I think that this depression may be clouding your viewpoint, in that you are feeling that your life is going downhill fast (which may be true) and that you feel hopeless to stop it (which may be the depression talking).

I can relate to alot of your post though, because I have felt that my life took a similar downward spiral due to alcohol abuse. I remember when I was 21, and I had just graduated from university - got great marks, had a bright future and was working at my first fulltime job, I was living in a beachside unit on my own for the first time in my life. I had so much going for me .... but at night when I got home from work, I was just not coping, and was throwing it all away by drinking myself into a stupor.

And I was a witness to this turn of events, and the slow decent into a firey pit of hell that my life was taking ... it was happening right in front of my eyes, but I also felt powerless to stop it from happening! I just didnt see any worth or happiness in my life, and if I'm brutally honest with myself, I didnt even try to stop it from happening. I knew I was throwing my life away, but I was too scared to give up alcohol ... there were just too many things I wasnt ready to face sober yet, so I just kept up the drinking, and kept spiralling downwards.

You asked me how I coped at the time .... well, even though I saw that things were going downhill, I didnt feel ale to put a stop to it either, and I just kept on drinking in order to stay oblivious to what was happening. And I drank for years and years and years, until I had finally had enough ... and had nothing left to lose anymore ..... there was no where to go but up!

I'm not saying that I think EVERYONE needs to hit their own rock bottom before they turn their lives around ..... I just think in my situation, I needed to see that drinking was killing me, and killing all my friendships and family relationships, before I was ready to stop and do something different.

And I drank heavily for about 10 years - I started drinking when I was 18, but heavily drinking almost every day at age 21, when I got my first fulltime job and independance from my family .... the job only lasted for 2 years, and then I got regulated into a psych hospital and began my career in and out of psych wards and being on disability .... my anxiety, PSTD, and substance abuse complicated matters for me, and I could never really deal with my PTSD issues due to my always being drunk. Finally at age 30, which was 7 years ago, I'd had enough of escaping life, escaping my troubles, and heading for an early grave, so I decided to quit drinking for good, and it was really easy when I eventually decided I was going to do it! And I still to this day dont know why I was finally able to get sober all on my own at that point in time, coz I had tried so many detoxes and rehabs, and nothing worked until that time. But mostly, I think I'd had enough of being always sad, lonely and miserable, and I was just ready to stop drinking then, and start getting my life back on track ... I had finally had enough, and there was no where to go but up. My parents, who had put up with horrific stuff due to my alcoholism, were kicking me out of home ... again .... and I knew that I would lose them forever if I didnt try to get sober. And so I did ... and that time it worked ... I still am not sure why - guess it was the right time for me, and I'd had enough of throwing my life down the toilet.

So now, I am 7 years sober, working part time in a job I like, am seeing a counsellor for all the PTSD, depression and anxiety stuff, but at least I'm facing it head on now, and not blitzing it all out with a haze of alcohol. Its not at all what I expected for my life - I am not using my university trained degree ... I decided I needed a simpler life for myself ... and I am much happier this way. Sometimes all the achievements, accomplishments, grades, high paying jobs, money etc doesnt mean anything if you are too stressed to enjoy it! I am so much happier now that I dont work fulltime, I dont drink, I have a couple of friends and my cat, I live independantly, I do some work for others at RYL, and I have the love and respect of my family back again. That's all I need -a simple life ... not big achievements or anything, but I'm happy.

I dont know if any of that is helpful to you, and whether you've reached your own rock bottom right now, and you're ready to turn things around ... or maybe you havent quite got it all out of your system as yet.

But I think you do need to get on top of the depression, or else you'll be setting yourself up for failure. For me, I could never treat my depression properly, coz all the alcohol I was drinking just literally chewed up any of the beneficial effects that the anti-depresants were trying to achieve.

Giving up substance and alcohol abuse is a good start to trying to figure out how to improve things in your life ... and then getting your depression treated.

I bet that once you've got on top of those things, then the rest of the pieces to your life's puzzle are going to fit into place alot easier than they are now.

[PsCasino]

The doctor was concerned and I have another appointment soon, I'm almost definately going to get counselling but I declined anti-depressants.

The last few weeks I've gone completely tee total, been down the gym daily, not lifting huge weights or anything just mild but challenging workouts, long walks, etc, all the cliches, and i'm feeling pretty damn good.
I've trimmed down a little, I think i'm starting to tan a little but that might just be freckles :P and those crazy symptoms have subsided a lot. Reading up on a lot of material my mood swings were definately a side effect of my massive e use and dysfunctional serotonin levels and i've decided it's not a good idea to play with my brain so much anymore.
The worst of the depression only lasted maybe 10-12 days but it was so horrible i never want to experience that sense of emptiness again. My friends were really supportive, even though I deliberately dodged calls they persisted in contacting me and i'm glad they did, even listening to a cheesy rock CD and having a BBQ made me feel so much better than sitting in my room alone.
I'm glad to hear you've been sober so long, I can't identify with what you went though but you have my admiration for being strong enough to conquer the habit.

[svenn]

sorry i missed this post. i'm so glad to hear that you are doing better. those withdrawals can be horrible. the exercise is a great thing to do. really helped me. it helps you body get better and it just feels good. love those endorphines. ;) you seem to have many people in your life that care about you. that is great. i just want to give you support.
pm me if you want to talk

[PsCasino]

Hey, just wanted to thank everyone for the kind words. I'm a lot better than the mess I was in not so long ago.

[svenn]

i'm glad your doing better. we're here for you.
*hugs*