Ok so now when I see my pdoc, she likes me to write stuff down to help her see and understand what has happened for me in the past month. I have been really struggling to write stuff out this time round and I dont know, just need advice if what I have done is ok...
I took a members advice (you know who you are and thanks so much) and copied and pasted some stuff I have already posted on the forums... but am not sure if it makes sense. I also wana tell her other things but brain is turning to mush so thought I'd just post what I have so far and continue when feeling bit better...
so yeh if your up to it can you please read and let me know if its ok?
I feel so vurnerable and weak for wanting to show pdoc the letter cuz there is so much in it (like how I react in certain situations) that I am embarassed about and she just doesnt know yet! So yeh, advice/encouragment greatly appreciated. Thanks guys
The following is stuff that has been happening for me recently. I have this forum that I go to a lot and post on regularly, that is where I posted all this stuff...
I saw my counsellor this morning. And it was a really bad appointment. The whole 2 hours I could not talk and then when she asked if I just wanted to make the apt a one hour session instead of two hour session... I couldn’t even reply. Ella was so loud, yelling, screaming... and all I could do in the apt was sit on that couch... huddled up... trying not to shake... trying so hard to just give her one signal, just tell her I couldn’t fight alone and I needed help to make ella stop.
Throughout the apt I wasn’t feeling safe in my head and then I started looking down at my arms and they looked so lonely, so bare... the blade was screaming and yelling at me "just cut my sweet darling, just drag me hard against your skin and let yourself drift away"
I tried looking my counsellor in the eyes. But I just couldn’t. She kept smiling at me. And all I wanted to do was run up and sit next to her, and have her hold me tight and tell me everything was going to be alright, that I was safe and everything was alright... stupid huh...
I wrote the following after getting home from my apt with counsellor:
I felt so stupid and pathetic.
I know I wasted your time and I am so sorry.
I tried so hard to talk, to get out what was happening... and when I couldn’t talk about what I wanted I still wanted to say things, even if it was talking about why it was so important I didn’t write...
I feel as though you are punishing me in some way. I don’t understand why you won’t let me write. I can sort of see where you are coming from... but... I feel there is so much that you just can’t see.
Yes, sometimes when I have in the past written things down in session... it probably wasn’t the best of things or most helpful.... but for how I was this morning... the only way I could communicate was by writing, and by you saying no... I had no other voice. My only weapon I had left against ella and I couldn’t even use that.
There was so much screaming and yelling going on in my head. It was so overwhelming that I couldn’t even focus on one thing. That’s another reason why I asked if I could write, because when things are that loud and overwhelming, often writing what’s going on really helps because it forces me to think about what I am writing and hence it slows down my head a LOT!
I don’t know why things were so tough this morning. Well I have a few ideas and well it’s just a mixture of way too much really....
I don’t know what else to say and I hope you don’t hate me for writing all this down when you wouldn’t let me write in session... I guess I just felt you didn’t understand the times when I wanted to write but could still talk with some help... and the times when I had no voice at all and my only form of communication I had left was through writing... so maybe it may be good to work together to find those times I really need to write as opposed to those times when it would be better I pushed myself to talk? ...just an idea.
I didn’t like today’s session at all. Ella was so loud and crazy and the thing I hated most about that was the fact I couldn’t even let you in on what was happening in my head. If I was just able to move, or write or do something to get your attention and give you some signal that things were getting worse and I couldn’t fight her alone or make her stop... I don’t know... maybe then I wouldn’t have felt so bad and alone like I have felt for all my life?
I do want help. I do want things to get better and for me to be able to keep living. I am trying. I guess that sometimes trying just isn’t enough.
Wrote this after talking to some great people from the forum and they helped me to decide to msg counsellor as I really wasn’t feeling good and I was so afraid she hated me from how I was that morning: Have re-read this thread like a million times now... plus gone else where on the forums and came back here hoping maybe this thread had disappeared and this morning never happened!!! I just feel so badly and embarrassed and stupid and I think that is what is really stopping me from msging my counsellor... I always run away from the hard/embarrassing stuff... I never stop and face it head on!
ok... its almost 9pm here... if I am going to msg her I guess I should do it now... I mean, it’s not gonna get any easier right???
I wish she could just read my mind *cries*
ok, I think I'm gonna write out what I will say here and then write and txt it to her... maybe that will be easier???? ****, why is this so hard??? Hate me!!!
ok...
"sorry about this morning, I feel really bad and stupid about it and hate myself because I couldn’t even do the simplest thing in the world... TALK!!!! I wrote some stuff out before and am going to try (I want to show you but ella has other ideas...) to show you next Monday. Please don’t hate me and thanks for still putting up with me and not yet giving up, that really means a lot. Hopefully next week will be better and I'll be able to show you what I wrote and it will help you understand... for some really stupid but good reason I haven’t given up hope yet. Head is so loud and crazy still though. I'm scared I'll never be free. Loz."
This is what was happening for me after sending the msg: just sent it then *cries and runs away*
am shaking, don't know what’s wrong. OMG so loud, crazy... think time for more meds... maybe bed???
What if she hates me and doesn’t reply. Am so stupid. Bad. She so loud. Just want her to shut up. Please just shut up.
Just want it to stop. Go away. Please ella just go away.
Ok think really time for bed, I hate how she does this when I try to do just one little tiny good thing:( will it ever get easier??
I sent it though... yay.... please reply please reply.
This is from Wednesday late arvo: My best friend has just left. She left this morning to go on holidays. I miss her so much already. She called me just then for the last time (she is going over seas and is not sure if her phone will work over there or not)
My head is in overdrive.
Yelling.
Screaming.
With her gone, I feel I have nothing keeping me here anymore...
And I know, I know... she will be back, and like I am going up to see her the day after she gets home... but that is 13 days away still and I really don't know if I can wait that long.
Thoughts of hurting me are racing around my head and I have already taking one PRN earlier on but it has yet to do anything. I am so tired right now. So scared. I really do not know what I am going to do.
I know that she will be back, ella is just so loud and overwhelming that her coming back is forever away and what if something bad happens to her or her family and she doesn’t arrive safely?? Sorry I know I gotta think positive it’s just so hard with so much screaming and yelling going on in my head:(
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this face up for... just want to run, really hurt me. I don’t want to be here anymore.
What’s happening to me?? Its 13 days... that’s all...
I think I'm just weak and pathetic.
I can't handle so many people leaving me all at once. I am sorry. It’s just all happening too fast:(
So stupid. Pathetic. Need die. Need death. Too loud. Won’t stop. Kill me. Must be dead. Can’t do this. Sorry. So stupid. Need die. Must die. Nothing left now. Nothing.
Wrote this Thursday night... had msgd counsellor but she had yet to reply to me: I want to hurt me. I want to grab the closet, sharpest thing and stab it into me hard. I don’t know where. I don’t care where. I just want to hurt me. You haven’t replied to my msg. What is ****ing wrong with me?? I am sorry.
...see this is why I should be dead. This is why I am worthless, pathetic and need to die... can you see it now??
I don’t understand why you are still there? Seeing me. Trying to help me. Surely you have better clients, more worthwhile ones to help. I should just die.
Last edited by lozza : 26-06-2009 at 04:52 AM.
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Loz sweetheart this is really good you've explained things very well, and you're really brave to have written it I'm proud of you, hope you able to give it to your psych xx
I think that this would be very helpful for your psych and would explain a lot to her. Its such a brave thing to do and i hope something positive comes from it.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
update to letter:( does it sound ok??
(28-6-09)
Have no idea whether I should have let you read any of that stuff. Feel so stupid and very, very bad and pathetic. And I know that you may just say I am not trying hard enough or that but I really am. I am just so tired right now and with my friend gone, I feel I don’t have anything left in me. Oh and today it is 9 days till I see her... but 9 days is still way too long.
I am scared to let you read this stuff and have no idea why.... so if you do get to read this that’s great, just please don’t hurt me or hate me like everyone else has the minute I begin opening up and being very honest with how things ‘really’ are.
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
Loz this is really good and I am sure this is exactly what you pdoc wants to hear. Why? Because its honest and explains things really well. Best of luck with giving it to her. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
I think it would be really really really really REALLY great if you could find the strength to give it to your psych without taking out any parts that embarass you....maybe if you tell her that it embarasses you and is hard for you you will feel better about giving it to her because then at least she knows to tread carefully?
I have given things like this to my pdoc before and it was very difficult so i can appreciate how hard it is. It was so hard at the time but it helped me to grow more comfortable with her and for her to help me more easily.
Well done.
Melancholia is my mummy Black Rose is my cupboard hiding in buddie All I'm Living For owns me...i'm her pet frog Aimee in Wonderland is my best-ever-man-girl-lover Lozza is my lovely care bear
Sorry lozza i didn't read down the post (like usual).
Rationally do you think it went well, besides what your head says?
Melancholia is my mummy Black Rose is my cupboard hiding in buddie All I'm Living For owns me...i'm her pet frog Aimee in Wonderland is my best-ever-man-girl-lover Lozza is my lovely care bear
*hugs* congratulations on being strong enough to show it to your psyche. Hopefully whats they've said will be helpful
thanks hunni *hugs back*
head is still so loud and crazy. I just wish I knew what was happening and how to control it... my pdoc told me I gotta start challenging all that ella says to me... and that if I cant do it in the moment... then I gota go back and do it when feeling more in control...
I know she is right... but I am so afraid...
How can someone/something that has kept me going and alive for so long be so bad for me???
I really dont understand this:(
sometimes being strong means not holding back the tears but letting them fall
~˙·٠•●♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ ♥●•٠·˙~
my fur baby girls are my life <3
r.i.p my beautiful girl jackie. i will love you always no matter what - 6/5/10
I know its hard to challenge sweetheart, but I think you know within yourself that you do need to and she isn't good for you. Easier said than done I know, coz I am trying to challenge things too. You will not lose control, by challenging Ella you will gain back control. Take care
Kat xxx
"Recovery is something that you have to work
on every single day and it's
something that doesn't
get a day off."
is ok... 