Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - my head is such a mess. *ED trig*. -------sorry rantish

[finding.my.wings]

their suggesting i have and Ed but i eat, like not lots but i still eat, i dont want to lose weight- its jsut easy to not eat. they say its a way of coping, that i feel i cant control whats happening so i contol/restrice my food. this makes sence but i cant really have an ED. havent been to a doctor/professional- very scard to go. what do i say/ who should i go to? argh so confusing.

on top of that...... my depression has gotten worse even thoguh im on meds adn my exam study has suffered- my flatmates are worried about me- and i really apreciate it but at the same time i wish they would sjut leave me alone. if i want their help im sure i would ask for it (somethimes).

i have heaps of scars and argh- why did i do that- yes coping again- but really???? it was a dumb thing to do. and now when i see them i want to harm more- stupid cycle.

i kinda told my conusellor that i feel like my parents/ older bother aredead to me- i was really upset and it wasnt meant to come out- im scared where it will lead.

my yonger brother looks like my abuser- i dont think i can face him and he wants to come and stay with me. he wantes me to help/fix him but i cant i really wnat to but i jsut cant and he wont get help form others. jsut becasue im doing social work doesnt mean i can help him. im going throuhg/struggling with the same stuff- he just doesnt knwo it.

im supposed to be changing counsellors soon so i dont want to say too mcuh and leave a big space, but at the same time i need to talk to someone- ive tried to catch up with a friend/support person but shes really busy and has has children. im trying to be completly honest- like actually telling someone whats going on. i cant even brng myself to tell my flatmates- and these girls are like my family to me- i cant keep hiding secrets away in me- they will destroy me.

i just want to scream, to yell and say no im not okay and ive been such
a fake/hypocript.

im sorry- i dont know what i want, jsut needed to let someone know and maybe can i have some hugs and possibly and ideas on what i could do?

[Pomegranate]

I can't reply right now but I wanted to say I had read and will be thinking of you. I hope somebody else on here can help/offer you some more. *hugs* xxx

[ravynsoul]

*offers you lots of hugs* your situation sounds complex and there are a bunch of things you touched on in your post... I hope to hit them all, but I'm sorry if miss something.

-about the ED - who is suggesting that you have one? Have you talked to your counsellor and/or doctor about this? If you do have one it would be wise to get some support to deal with it.

-can you talk to your doctor about your depression? Perhaps your meds need an adjustment or perhaps there is something else that can be done to help. I imagine the stresses you have mentioned have not helped this at all.

-can you explain to your younger brother why you cant support him right now? It's important that you look after yourself.. you can't help anyone if you're not in a good place yourself. it would be too draining on you.

-can you talk about your secrets on here? Would that help to get them out?
-how long before you switch counsellors? Will your counsellor be advising the other counsellor of your status? If so, maybe there won't be such a big gap when you have the switch over. If that's not standard practice, perhaps you can ask her to.

offering you lots of hugs, and I hope this helps you some, please feel free to pm me if you want.