can anyone relate?

[guiltyinnocence]

over the past 6 years iv had quite bad peaks of depression. it comes on for no apparent reason and tends to stay bad for around 3/4 of a year, in the sense that i can barely function, struggle to do anything even wash, become suicidal, etc etc. the other 1/4 of a year i can feel an undercurrent, but i can function.

its during this 1/4 of a year where i experience quite bad mood swings. i have mood swings during the really bad times of depression, but the depression seems to sweep over everything. when the depression is just an undercurrent my mood swings can become quite bad, i can switch from ok to depressed to being on a high to anger etc, they usually happen quite suddenly and either for no apparent reason or for something very small. i try my best to control them but sometimes they are just beond my control. the mood swings only tend to happen for a few hours, but that doesnt make them any less difficult to deal with.

i also struggle to relate to myself, for example i cant relate to the 'me' i was yesterday, when im angry i cant relate to the me when im ok, this is really hard to explain, but its kinda like i struggle to relate to myself at a previous point in time.

theres so many more things, feeling a loss of self identity, paranoia, losing control of myself, food issues, trust issues, loss of reality, impulsivity. alot goes on in my head cus different things dominate my life at different times

i know im probably making no sense here, and im sorry, i really am trying to, its just so hard to try and explain things.

i just want to know if anyone can relate? and if u can how do you deal with it all?

thanks for reading this, im sorry its turned out to be so long
xx

[whirlpools]

that sounds really horrible. i haven't had that many times in my life when i've been truly unable to function but when those times happened they were unbearable. i can't imagine being like that 9 months of the year.

i do, however, think that many of us don't fit into a particular "box" and that actually our difficulties can be very complex, so i would identify with everything in your fourth paragraph and understand how problematic that can be.

are you getting any support at the moment? are there any patterns that you can see in the 3 months that you are able to function?

[guiltyinnocence]

in those 9 months everything feels like a constant battle. i mean theres the odd day where it lifts a bit, but during that time they are few and far between. it tends to go between having to force myself to function and just being totally unable to function

iv had support in the past. iv not got anything right now but i have got an inital counselling assessment next week, so hopefully that will go ok. what kind of patterns? theres nothing particular iv noticed, but i think the mood swings and inability to relate to myself can make it difficult to notice things

[whirlpools]

oh i was just wondering if the three months that things are slightly easier are at the same time every year.

i'm glad you've got a counselling appointment next week. has anyone suggested medication to you?

[eyes.wide.open]

helloooo
that sounds so hard to be feeling depressed so much of the year:(
I had a bad spell of about 10 months this year so i can relate to that part, i have since gotten meds though and things have improved since they have been increased! has the counsellor referred you to a doctor perhaps? the depression sounds horrible and maybe they will be able to offer you something? i dont know though, i am sure as heck not a doctor lol
umm the other thing i can relate to is the "not being able to identify with yourself at a different period of time" my mad me doesnt understand the happy me, and the peacefull me doesnt get the upset me.. .. I have no idea what it means but i def get what you mean about that, and since the moods switch so often its like i never understand myself!!!
i dont really have any advice but to tell your counsellor everything so that they can help you in the best way that they can!! perhaps print off this post and show them, or parts of it, as you described what you are feeling really well
i hope it goes well!
xoxox goodluck