Triggering (SI) - Please Don't Kill Yourself....

[Zurg]

I am aware that i am only a guest here for the time being.... I do no longer log in every day.... I do no longer read every post..... I log in maybe 2-3 times a week.... I usually fill my RYL needing on sunday where i spend between 2-3 hours here.....

RYL is no longer the part of my life it once was..... I suppose this is only a good thing considering i have been here for more than 3 and a half years.... I am getting better, hence not needing RYL as much as i once did....

But this time i am writing because i have burned all my bridges.... My mum is away for the weekend, staff is away and all my friends have gone away on holiday.... So i am alone.

I hadn't cut for a long time..... I only had two slip ups since sometime in May i think..... Yesterday i was upset. I was lonely. And i gave myself hell. Not deep so please don't worry. Just lots of them....... And i was taken back.... Back to when i did this every ****ing day.... Back to the despair, the loneliness and desperation.....

I have not talked to anyone in weeks..... I have locked it all up deep inside me.... I have not WANTED to talk to anyone about how i'm feeling..... But now i'm bursting from too many emotions..... I am cracking and for the first time in a very long time i thought of swallowing all my pills..... Not because i've cut or becaus i'm sad, but simply because i have buried myself in this and i no longer see a way out of it..... Sure, i could open up..... But there are demons inside me that i do not wish to unleash..... Things from my past that has haunted me for more than a month.... Flashback after flashback...... And i can't tell..... Because the only ones i have to tell are the direct cause of these flashbacks.....

So i sit.... And wait..... And maybe, just maybe, i'll get lucky and an angel will fly in and save me from myself.....

[Stellata]

I'm not an angel, but I'm here, and I'll be around off an on all weekend and my pm box is always open.

Maybe its time to open up those boxes of feeling, slowly and gently.
I know from my own experience how painful it can be, but then after the pain there is relief and things start to feel more solid and make sense.

[Bitter_Angel]

In that post, you identified the cause of why you are feeling like this. You have already said it is because you have not opened up to anybody. That being the case you need to find somebody or some way of opening up. There are people on here you can talk to. If you truley have nobody you can tell about how you are feeling then haveyou tried writting it down? Or drawing things?

I am not sure of your history, but do you know how to deal with flashbacks?
Cutting and ODing is not the answer, its really not. Sure it is hard to get out of this minset, but it is possible. You have proven that before hen you have moved on. You can do it.

Take care
Kim

[pea soup]

*snuggles you*
please try to share with someone Kat.
i dont have much to offer right now.
please try and be safe.
oh...ive missed you around here....but im really glad that you arent needing ryl as often.
much much love.
xx

[Crysainta]

Zurg, I miss seeing you around more, but I'm glad it's because you are getting better. I hope you have gotten through this bad moment by the time you read this. I hope an angel of some kind did come and save you from those feelings. You can open up here anytime you want, when no one else is around to talk. You can always pm me if you would like. I'll listen, though I'm not an angel.

[Margo]

I miss you too! xxx
As the others have said you need to open up. bottling it up does no good at all.
I see this post as being soooooo positive. Its full of such brilliant news regarding your cutting! WELL DONE! Its also positive because you KNOW the cause of this slump. So many times i have seen you write not knowing whats going on and being so afraid of what you didnt understand.

You have made great leaps hun and im proud of you! I really am! I think its fantastic. This is NOT the Kat from 12 months ago that was cycling every Sunday/Monday cutting badly over and over, not speaking or opening up to anyone or anything.

By your own admission you have clammed up. but to me that tells me that prior to this you were opening up and communicating and thats so good to hear!!

Its gong to be ok Kat! You will get through this dip. again im so proud of you!

I AM an angel! :P
but you can treat me like a pengy if you want!

Much love
Matthew xxx

[Zurg]

Thank you all so much for your kind words of support!!!! It really means the world to me.

I made it through. Somehow i managed to bury myself in other things (thank you Hary Potter and The Deathly Hallows, LOL).

I have yet to open up about these things i wrote about. I tried some time ago but i was met with hostility and misunderstanding. Which has made me very much aware of who i talk to and what i talk about.

And you are right. I am a different person now. I am slowly stepping back from the egde of life where i have been standing for so many years. I am becoming free of this monster. One day i'll sit old and wrinkled and i will smile as life leaves my body because after all, i made it through!!!!!