so.. I don't really know how this is going to come out.. but it just keeps eating away at me.
there have been a couple of.. incidents where my boyfriend has fooled around with 2 of my alters. Once or twice.. he's known, and I don't know why he has done it. Afterwards it makes me feel like I've been r*ped.. I can feel it, it's dirty, and in a way it's worse cos it catches you unawares. He has severe emotional problems and uses sex and any sort of touching as a way to get over his insecurities.. I can't stand being touched most of the time, so I think that's what is behind it, but that makes me feel worse than ever. He doesn't understand why it's so different. I explained to him after it happened twice that it's still sex that I haven't consented to, and compared it to waking up and feeling different, and then finding out you've been r*ped while you were asleep. I thought he understood, and so it was worth telling him (I found explaining it to him massively massively triggering)
But it happened again, last night. And for some reason, I told him so many lies, I told him the only reason I ever sleep with him these days is because I'm scared that otherwise he will do it with one of the others, and that going out with him and sleeping with him is the lesser of two evils. I said that, to my boyfriend, and I said it in such a deceitful way, not in an angry way or anything, but lying and acting in a way I never thought I could. It isn't true, it isn't true! Yes I find sex hard sometimes, and maybe 20% of the time I do it just to keep him happy.. but I destroyed him by saying that, I could see it, I could see it all crashing down around us and once he thought I was asleep he lay there crying.. and yet I still didn't turn around and comfort him.
It's like I wanted him to suffer as much as I do, and then I realised I've done it before.. when I had a miscarriage, at the end of last year, I know my boyfriend was distraught about it - all he had ever wanted was children. But I hated him for not being there when it happened, for not being there when I was sitting in the hospital waiting room, for not being there when I was in the toilet later bleeding. And I tormented him.. I don't remember what I said. Just.. things, to try and make him show that he was in pain, for me to feel that he was in as much pain as me. I never realised I was capable of doing that, and it scares me. I hate it, I only just realised and I feel like such a terrible person.
It's like sometimes I have no control, but I'm still me, and I say and do the most hurtful unfair ridiculous things and I can see myself doing it but it feels right, I don't like to think I take pleasure from making others suffer.
And.... and all I can think is...
it's emotional abuse, isn't it? It HAS come full circle - I was abused and now I am abusing others, for power or.. something. I don't know. I hate it. I am in short-term counselling for many, many instances of sexual abuse/ assault and on a waiting list for psychotherapy. but now I'm scared to see him again, scared to talk to him.. I'm an abusive partner, but I can't be! And most of the time I think it's alright, and even though I'm very hard to deal with and very high-maintenence I never thought I was having THAT much of an impact, although I know I have changed him, increased his anxiety, given him anger issues. And I thought that was to do with how he views me and the SA and the fact that it is still happening, so I managed to absolve myself from any REAL guilt.. but it's me, I can't be...
okay I should stop talking now because everything I was trying to say has been said I think.. in a very long rambly way, and I'm sorry. Please nobody hate me for what I have said because I really never realised.. I'm hoping I'm making a bigger deal of it than it is.
But there's something else. I can't remember how I stumbled across it, but I ended up looking at a checklist for domestic abuse. And some of them apply to me and Patrick... I have pulled him further away from his family without really meaning to, because they don't like me and think I'm a bad influence. I get paranoid if I don't hear from him for more than an hour, but that's mainly because I get scared that something has happened to him. I have been furious at him in the past for going off with his best friend instead of being with me, but only when something bad has happened and it has meant I haven't been able to get hold of him. So I make excuses.. but they seem like pretty reasonable excuses.. but then they would to me wouldnt they!!!??!!?
me and Patrick actually had a good laugh at the checklist. He certainly didn't seem upset or awkward, I don't think. I don't know, I don't know..
Oh god I started typing again.. this post is far far far too long... but if any of you manage to get to the end.. what do you think? I dont know what Im looking for really, I just have to get some sort of outside perspective because it is just going round and round and round in my head
