I don't know if this is the right place to put this but I just need to write this down before I start forgetting. I just need someone to see this and tell me I'm not crazy.
A few years ago, my councillor thought I might have multiple personality disorder. I have a second personality, she called it an alter-ego or something like that. Jake is the result of my bottling up 13 years worth of self-hate, depression and paranoia. He's everything I hate about myself moulded into a personality and I can't stop him. He knows everything about me, everything. Because he's made from my own self-hatred, it's pretty much the point to his existence to hurt me in every way possible. I've had it all, black outs, passing out, unexplainable cuts and burns to my arms and chest, beating everyone near me to pieces, and I don't remember doing any of it. Recently he's got a lot more uncontrollable. He's angrier than he used to be and it's getting difficult to block him out. He talks and he takes the piss and he tells me over and over how useless and worthless I am, constantly. Sometimes, whenever I'm tired or ill or depressed, I can actually see him. He looks like me, he dresses like me, he talks like me, but he's different.
Second. I've been having a lot of weird hallucinations lately. I keep getting the same dream over and over. Sometimes they're alright, sometimes they're nightmares. I have daydreams about it, sometimes I can actually see it while I'm awake and walking about town. It's always the same. It's like a whole separate reality stuck in my head, completely different to this reality and I can't get rid of it. I see it, I hear it, I can touch it. It's giving me headaches and when the dream ends or when I stop seeing it I feel really ill, like I've just drowned or something. it's really freaking me out. I can see the people in there but they never talk to me, all they do is stare at me, they watch, the whisper to each other. But they never talk to me. My friends have seen me talking to thin air and I've lost most of them cause they think I'm crazy.
I'm getting really paranoid lately, worse than I normally am. I've started strange habits. I've got to wear my silver ring otherwise people can hear my thoughts. I constantly have to keep moving otherwise people can read my mind. I'm not allowed to sleep until I've turned everything off in my room apart from my lamp and my combat knife is within reach otherwise I might get kidnapped. I have to check on the rest of my family every hour cause I worry they'll get kidnapped or murdered and I will be too late to help them.
The worst part of all this is I can't actually tell anyone about it without being called a freak, or an attention seeker or an idiot. My dad told me I was just being stupid. I don't want to upset my mum with this. My last psychiatrist just ignored it all and told me this was just natural when you're a teenager but I'm starting to get really scared of my life, I don't want to be me anymore cause being me is just scaring me. How the hell can I go to councilling and tell them, yes I have a separate consciousness living in my head, there's a second reality stuck in my head and I'm stuck in it every night and oh yeah, I'm currently so delusionally paranoid that I'm scared for the safety of me and my family so much that I don't sleep properly or eat properly anymore. I just need someone to say I'm not crazy and to tell me I'm not being a **** or no, I'm not an attention seeking prat. Just something I want to hear...
Honestly, I have absolutly no experiance with any of this stuff, so i dont know how much help i'll be, but i'll try.
First of all, you need to find the right counseler, someone you trust. it may be hard to find the right one, but you need to, and you need to tell them absolutely everything. they're trained for that, they know what to do, they know how to help you. I know its so, so scary, but I know you can do it.
And second of all, you are NOT crazy. you're sick, but you arent crazy. it isn't your fault your feeling like this, any more than its someones fault that they have diabetes or cancer. you have an illness, and you need help to get better. but you are not crazy, i promise.
I've experienced similar things and know others who have aswell, it's possible for things to get better with the right help. You're not "going crazy" you're here asking for support and you realise the things that are happening to you aren't good (you have insight)- these are positives.
I would suggest that you make an appointment with your GP explain what's going on and ask for a referral to your local mental health team. If your problems are dismissed by one doctor/psych ask for someone else, it's okay to keep asking for help.
Take care.
"And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry." - That's The Way by Led Zeppelin
No one understands. I cannot let my mum know about this, and if I go to a psych/councillor/GP, they're going to assume I'm a danger to myself, when I know I am, I REALLY am. But I don't want my mum to be upset for me, it's why I've bottled everything up this far. And if my dad finds out, I'll never be able to get any form of self-esteem back.
I hear what you're saying but in my experience bottling things up in order to protect other people (or yourself) is a bad thing in the long run because eventually you reach a point where the bottle gets full. By which I mean you can't handle things anymore and become SU or you lose control - and that's not a good way for people to find out. I think it'd be better for you to try and get help to stop things getting any worse.
You can always make sure of confidentiality before you start talking about everything so your parents don't have to find out and it's up to you what you say. Of course it's always in your best interests to say everything that's happening and you're more likely to get support faster that way but you can always just tell them (the GP/psych) a little at a time so you know how they're going to react to things. Also that way you can ensure you start getting support without worrying too much about people saying you're a danger to yourself etc.
Of course everyone's experiences with mental health teams are different but I've always found them to be remarkably calm and unreactive about such things. There's not going to be any rush to put you inpatient or tell your parents everything unless you go there and say you're going to commit suicide (or hurt someone else).
From what you've said you sound like you really need to get some support, I think you need to put yourself first and try not to worry about what the possible reactions of others might be - I'm sure your parents would want you to get help.
Take care, sorry if this is useless.
"And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry." - That's The Way by Led Zeppelin
