Triggering (SI/Sexual Abuse) - You Guys Said To Keep Posting So Here Goes...
i dont know what the hell is wrong with me. well...i kinda do.
the simple fact is that when i stop harming for a period of time, i become suicidal.
the flashbacks are becoming unbearable. i know the grounding techniques but they do **** good for me. i can feel it all over again and im beyond tired of reliving all of it. and harming actually DID ground me and bring me out of it. so theres my dilema.
and the comment that Aaron made about my father keeps playing over and over in my mind. its weird how a few simple words can upset me so much.
my brother is hanging around with my father again and my father has COMPLETELY convinced him that im lying. it hurts me to the core. thats why hes being so nasty to me, i think.
everything seems so much more intense. every feeling is multiplied.
the reason that im not harming is because i dont want fresh wounds when i go see Keith. and im at the point now of if i cut i have to have stitches. but ive thought of bruising. that doesnt leave scars. ****, i hope this isnt considered "glamorising". im in no way trying to do that.
i just dont know how much longer i can hold off.
there is a demon in me and its called "RAGE".
i feel worse than i have in a long time.
being free of SI doesnt make it all better.
give me a reason.
i know youre all going to say Keith.
and yes, he is my reason.
im not strong.
i cant do this.
just had another blow up with my brother.
he absolutely hates me.
i lost my temper with him.
i told him that anyone who associates with my father i want nothing to do with.
i told him to stay out of my sight.
he doesnt believe me. do you know how much that hurts? i never wanted him to find out in the first place....but now to use it against me??? i never imagined that would happen.
i want out.
and i want out permanently.
how do i continue.
im hysterical.
my whole family has betrayed me. i have stood by their side when they have turned their backs on me.
i want to hurt them like theyve hurt me.
im not safe....but i dont want to be. i want to be dangerous. that way maybe i'll just do something impulsively without having to be stuck in this never ending cycle of ambivalence.
thanks romp...
ive been debating with myself all day whether to call or not.
i never call those lines.
but she talked to me forever....she was awesome.
she wanted someone to come and stay with me.
i dont have long distance so she called someone for me but they werent home.
i know her name and can now call and ask to speak directly to her.
she was very sincere and very easy to talk to.
i asked my brother to use his phone so she wouldnt have to call my friend but he wouldnt let me.
i cant stop crying. and im pretty sure im going to bruise. if not...im afraid i may do something more drastic..so im opting for the lesser of two evils.
im sorry for letting everyone down.
xx
i wish they would just get it all over at once.
my sister just called ans said that ive ruined her vacation. she sayd she cant go because i was going to dogsit for her and now she doesnt trust me to do it.
she told me that she is not ruining her relationship with our father because of me. she said it didnt happen to her and she has no bad feelings towards him.the reason those things didnt happen to her is because i did my best to protect her. she was my little sister and i love her so much.
today has been one of the worst days of my life.
i wish i had never neeb born. then my father wouldnt have raped me, beat me, and caused me to have all these issues that obviouslt piss everyone off.
i'll be away for a while just lurking. i feel like a nuissance here. and i disgust myself.
youre all in my thoughts.
i need to step back and somehow get in control of myself.
and just to say....i failed. i have a nice knotted bruise on my hand.
everyone please take care.
xx
i don't know what to say.
i'm proud of you for calling the suicide line, they sound so helpful.
i'm incredibly sorry about your situation with your family.
it shocks me to hear your sister would say that, i just can't believe anyone would say that. no trying to offend your sister or anything, but idk. that's just wrong.
i don't think you've disappointed anyone really, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. i'm no way encouraging it, but i think some things need to be done just once..
rambling over, all i wanted to do was give you more hugs. *hug*
you need to move on and find a new family. the way they treat you is apalling rach. maybe have a family counselling sessionand drag your mom, bro and sis to it, let them hear your psych tell them you're telling the truth. get a lie detector? convince them hun. personally i'd slap them in the face until they listened....but violence isnt the way forward.
love you, mand x
Mand, South Wales, Full-time working, single mother to 2 scarily independent girls.
I AM A PROUD PLUMERIA SISTER
i really hope u feel better soon hun!!
and well done for ringing the suicideline, im glad they made u feel a bit better, even if it ws only for a short time!
have u got anyone else u could stay with??
**huge hugs**
x x x x
Sick of Crying,
Tired of Trying
Yeah, im Smiling,
But inside im Dying
Somebody save me, i dont care how you do it, just save me
Your family is simply in denial of what happened to you. They don't want to believe it. They don't want to believe that a person who they have a stable relationship with could do all of those things. People who do those things are good at hiding it and good at lying to everyone else. You were able to save your brother and your sister from everything you had to go through and that is a good thing. It sucks that they tend to turn on you though.
You don't deserve to be treated like that. I don't know if they will ever truly believe the things that happened. I don't know too too tell you about it except that I am here for you and that maybe distancing yourself from them isn't too bad of an idea. I agree though that calling the suicide line was a good thing to do.
