Wow....I haven't been on here for quite a while now. I had to move house and everything got a bit intense at work so have only just been able to get an internet connection.
Isn't isn't just typical that the time you have to be without something, is the time you need it the most.
I have been really struggling and tonight I got as far as having it in my hand, ready to harm myself. I didn't, but the pressure just keeps building and building. It's like this burning pain inside me that just won't release. There's nowhere I can run and nowhere is safe. Not anymore.
I just know that if I could be sure I could just do it once, I would feel better, it would realease some of this unbearable pain.
But it's been two years free and it took everything in me to beat it once. What scares me is if I do it, if I give in, I won't be able to stop and I won't be able to beat it again. I'm not strong enough.
But how can I live with pain that just has no let up? I was so stupid, so damn stupid to think I had this beat. I haven't really achieved anything at all because I'm right back here and I just wish my life wasn't such a failure.
I can feel all this pain, this desperation to scream out help me, without having to say a word. It would be so easy but it would also be the beginning of the end.
I don't know, I'm just really hurting.
Sorry for taking up space on the board. Didn't know what else to do.
Can you put your tool down and maybe in a drawer or some other kind of place which would require you taking a further step and thinking more before harming?
2 years free is something I cannot even imagine these days. You don't want to spoil that. You have had incredibly tough times during those 2 years and not harmed. If you do, you know you will feel disappointed in yourself.
Do you want to talk about why you feel the need to harm?
You have beaten it! You are strong enough! Remember that.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hi, I don't really know you, but I do know that you need to do whatever you can to distract yourself from harming, find another way to release the pain.
I once was nearly 4years free and then I made that cut. Thinking that I would need just one cut and then it'd be ok. How wrong was I. That was back in 2004 and I'm still trying to be free of this.
Often our self injury is a symptom of an underlying problem. There is no point in thinking we can be free of SI if the underlying problem goes untreated. Try and figure out what it is that has pushed you to your limits and made you think about SI again. Then talk about it, if not for 'real' in person, then perhaps a post in here? You never know, an outside opinion, or words of wisdom may just be able to help you through this tough time. Then you can be so proud of what you've achieved. I am sure that you are not a failure. *special huggles*
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Thank you. I burst into tears when I read that message. Thank you for caring enough to think I'm worth more than more scars, more guilt, more shame. I didn't know how much I needed to hear that.
I just feel so incredibly worthless. I don't feel I'm worth any more than scars on my body. They are the ONLY way I can feel alive and stay alive in a world that just keeps knocking me down. It's like there's this huge burning pain inside me that just keeps boiling over. Makes me feel completely disgusting and I hate myself so much.
Work is really hard, I just don't know where to begin but my boss takes every opportunity to make me the office joke because I'm not like the rest of them. I go to church and I'm a classicial musician which they delight in telling me makes me a freak.
This job is killing me but I don't have any choice, I can't leave because the kids need me.
I just want to rip everything bad out of me but then I'm scared I could never get deep enough down because I don't know where I begin and the hurt ends at the moment.
Sorry, I'm not explaining very well am I? Talking is really hard for me. I come from a family where talking is banned. You have to be perfect,no one can know how you feel. There's nothing I can't hide with a smile, I self harmed for 8 years and no one found out. But I knew. I knew I could feel and I had no other way of coping when it happened.
I'm sorry, I even find talking about talking hard!
I shouldn't waste people's time.
You are not wasting peoples time!!
You are not worthless!!
Every single person in the world has the right to be heard, the right to be themselves. How dare your boss make you the office joke just because you go to church and are a classical musician. People should be in awe of you, that this day in age you are not afraid to hide your beliefs and they should be in awe of your talent and that you do something constructive in your spare time other than just watch crappy tv or binge drink!
(sorry mods, if I've over generalised bout crappy tv and binge drinking, but I'm trying to make a point)
Be proud of who you are, past scars included, they show that you've had to go through more **** than most people can cope with, but you've survived, you are still here, they are your war wounds, but be a war veteran that people celebrate, don't go back into battle, you've done your time.
I know what you mean about family and perfection and not really talking. I've only just told my family that I SI after hiding it from them for nearly 11years. That's why RYL is so important to me, here I can be the true me and can really get my words out. You'll often find me in the virtual psych ward as its where I feel safe, but for some reason I clicked onto your thread and felt compelled to answer you. Let RYL be your family, you've explained things fine so far and I'm sure we'll all be patient with you whilst you find your words. We just want you to stay safe.
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Well I don't know what to say apart from the fact I am very touched that you felt you wanted to reply to my post tonight because your words have really helped and your belief in me without even having met me is deeply moving.
Thank you for understanding how I feel. It means a lot, more than I can say. Music has always been a part of me, and was part of me being able to become 2 years free. I let music express what self harm used to and it seemed to help. It was still something only I understood properly but it meant I was able to get it out and not have to try to battle my demons of talking. Every time they know I'm doing a concert at work, they re-arrange the shifts so that I am unable to do it and have to cancel. It's like they're trying to knock the "freak" out of me, to knock me out of me, maybe that's their reason. Maybe I'm just not worth it or really am as worthless as they say?
Just doesn't help the feeling of having bad inside me and I don't even understand why because I know I've done nothign wrong.
I'm just sick of not sleeping, of crying every time I'm alone. If I get 5 minutes on my own at work I have to dash to the loo and just burst into tears and it's killing me. I absolutely REFUSE to let them see me cry and of course the old demon of self harm reared its head as I cut have that first cut and the tears in the bathroom could end. I could get this sadness out of me, and take it out on myself for this stupid failure of a person they've made me feel and they'd never know the pain they'd caused.
I'm still a bit of a stubborn cow. They'll never see the pain they cause. I'm determined on that one.
Thank you for sharing what you did about yourself. It means a lot to me that you felt you could do that. Especially for telling me about making that first cut again after going free for a few years. That's what terrifies me because I couldn't beat it again. I had 8 years of it and no one ever knew, I tried to beat it on my own and it left me with nothing.
I guess I do want to share all that has brought me to this, but I don't know where to start and I'm worried I'll just be ranting on or taking up people's time.
Thank you for your kindness, I still have it here, but I haven't used it yet. I'm trying.
I just stopped by to see how you're doing today. I'm glad that my response was of some help to you. If you're worrried about ranting or taking up peoples time, don't be. This is the place to do it. If you need a real good rant, then I'm sure (if my memory serves me correctly) that their is a board for ranting. Also, people won't reply if they don't have the time to. I type this as I have time for you and others on RYL and I hope that in my hour of need other users will have time for me.
All I can say about how your work collegues change shifts so that you are unable to do your concert, is how f*cking dare they!! And jealousy makes people do horrid things. I honestly think that, even though they may not realise it, on some level, they are actually jealous of you. Of you having talent and making use of it, of making a contribution to the world. I'm not exaggerating, being able to perform in a concert, not only helps you through your demons, it brings out so many other emotions in people. Music has the ability to touch every humans soul, perhaps someone going to one of your concerts, needs that time to sit still and just let the music wash over them and de-stress them. For others is stirs up happy memories. You really do help people as a musician. Never forget that, and so you don't even have to ignore what work collegues say to you, because it doesn't matter what they say when you KNOW in your heart that they are WRONG.
I don't know what your rules are on requesting dates off, holiday time, sick days etc. But if you should be able to go and play in a concert and then they make it so that you can't. I'd personally say, sod the lot of you, I'm playing in my concert!!!! And go feeling empowered.
PM me anytime if you want to 'talk' more but privately. Huge supportive huggles!!
"All battles in life serve to teach us something, even the battles we lose"
"There are moments in life when the only possible option is to lose control"
Hey - just wanted to put in a good word for the church goin', classical musicians. . . . . we rock!!!! I get a lot of crap for it at work, too. I know in this day and age it's not always an appreciated art. What do you play? What do you like to listen to? I'm going to agree with CrazyHarley on pretty much everything. Hang in there! PM me if you want to "talk". Going through a move, by itself, is a huge stressor. (I'm doing that also. BLEAH!)
Lol heeey glad to meet another church goin' musician!! I was beginning to think I was a dying breed!!
I play flute mainly but also play piano or accompany. Flute is my main love. Playing wise I love Poulenc, that would be my fave I think, listening wise I love the heavy russian nationalist stuff and Stravinsky and Diaghilev collaborations on Rite of Spring and Petrushka especially.
Am trying to hang on in there but have some bad news and not really sure how to say it because it'll kinda make it real.
