I am sick of living with my head. All the time. The thoughts just keep popping into my head with images to accompany them. I see in my head the damage I need to inflict. It doesn't matter how I am feeling. The last few days my mood has been quite high but the thoughts are still there, still coming. This is never going to go away. I think I actually preferred being low to this. At least then I could understand why I was getting these thoughts. I can't make sense of it. They are so specific and it is so hard to ignore them.
I have so much energy at the moment but the thoughts just won't go away. I lost the MH team I trusted when I went into hospital and now there is nobody I trust to talk too. I am at a day hospital but my named nurse and the psychologist there just tell me think positively and take responsibility for my decisions and I CAN'T. I can't shut up the other thoughts long enough to do that and even if I do then the thoughs creep back in in no time. I know what I do is my choice and my responsibility but I just can't shut my head and thoughts up. My old team understood me but this new team don't and it is making me feel worse.
I feel so lost and out of control. I hate this. I hate being like this. I have been storing meds for two or three weeks now and my head is telling me to take them. I can't even decide if I want to or not but I have to do something to get my head to shut up. At the moment I just keep crying.
*hugs Emma* oh hun I know what you mean and it makes recovery so much more difficult. For me too it's those thoughts that are the hardest to deal with and I am so sorry that you have lost the team you trust. Is there any way you can phone one of them, or ask for them back? There must be some way? Try and keep busy, try and say no to the thoughts, try and understand that they are lying and wrong and maybe that will make them easier to ignore. I know that when they are there all the time they take over your life, even when you don't feel depressed, but they are wrong and you need to try and push them into the background and turn the volume down. I find that just being in other people's company helps. Take care and feel free to PM me anytime, hugs, Hannah
"I am me and me is good enough if I would only be it openly"
Oh my dear friend, I'm sorry you're in such a spot. I understand (more than you may know), truely I do, and so I can truly empathise when I say, I'm so sorry. It's hard to think positively when such things are going through your head.
I'm sorry I don't have any good advice... please take care hun. Please don't take those meds...
Much much love
Ally
*leaves box of cuddles*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
Em... instead of storing your meds which means they can't help... wouldn't it be better to take them daily so they CAN help? *cuddles you tightly* I love you so much emma! And if you do anything you KNOW how badly it will mess me up. I wish you could come to Aus and I would get you some real help instead of your ******** pysch where you are :(
I can't tell you how to fix this. I'm not sure how. But i know that you have got to keep fighting!!!! Please :( i lov eyou heaps chika!
*gives you a creme egg*
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Emma I totally understand what you mean. Those thoughts can be so damn hard to shut up and distract from. I do agree that it may help u more if you were actually taking your meds instead of storing them.
They actually might help with some of the feelings you are struggling with.
* leaves lots of hugs*
hope you manage to explain some of this to the day hospital.
Xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
I have left a message for my named nurse telling her I need to see her tomorrow and give her something so I can't change my mind. The plan is to try and take in the meds and give them to her because as stupid as it sounds I can't make myself throw them away, it's the best I can do. I have been taking my AD just not the sleeping tablets.
I do know logically that this is the most sensible and responsible thing to do but ever since I left the message my head has been going mental at me :(
Hun you should be so proud of yourself for sending the message - it IS the right thing to do and i think in your heart you know it, but your head is fighting it because of how much you're struggling right now.
You've really done the right thing hun, really you have. And i'm proud of you.
*Big big hugs*
Here if you ever need me, please remember that ok? You can trust me - anything you say to me stays between us.
Lots of love and hugs and thanks for everything xx
And I am so SO proud of you for making that call!! Those type of calls/emails/letters are not easy.
Love you, my friend.
*massive cuddles*
I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle, but if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
~ Marilyn Monroe
My head has gone off on one. The thoughts won't stop...they just keep coming, bad destructive thoughts. I don't know why this has annoyed the bad part so much
Emma i wish you could see how much of a wonderful person you are. You have fought off these thoughts before - you will and CAN do it again, no it isn't easy, infact, it's f*cking hard, but you can do it. Are you able to take a sleeping med and get some rest? Atleast when you're asleep you're safe hun.
And might i add from your R&V thread - you're such a beautiful size, and no i'm not just saying that, you really have such an amazing shape, all the curves in the right places. I would die to be your size, honestly, i'm so much larger than you and i'd do anything to look like you. Hold your head up high hun, you have nothing to be ashamed of. xxxx
Thank you all so much for your kind words. It really means a lot. Honestly it does.
I gave in all of X type of tablets and most of my sleeping ones. I'm just exhausted though. Can't deal with my head right now. I feel guilty for handing them in. I know it was the right thing to do but it's just made the thoughts worse instead of better.
Congratualtions on handing the pills over, i think your really brave! Just keep thinking i can get through this, hopefully that will help *gentle hugs*
I'm really truely sorry to post again. I feel like **** and I am sick of not knowing where to turn. I ****ing hate the crisis team but at the moment things are getting to the point where I am contemplating calling them. I don't really know where to turn. If I call them then they will only tell me to distract myself. I don't want to self harm but I look at my body and I can see where the wounds need to be. I need SOMETHING but I don't know what. I am so sick of ****ing feeling like this.
I hope you got through the night ok. You need to try and speak to the day hospital peeps re the images etc. Maybe if they put you back on your AP the intrusive thoughts could be a little more under control and level out your mood a little? I know the psychologist guy isn't keen on meds but you could see your gp or ask to see the psych. You can't keep doing this hun.
Thinking of you.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
