Triggering (SI/OD) - ..................... ***sui Trig Also*** ED TRIG ALSO **
I know I said I wouldn't be around for a while as I haven't been behaving very fairly but Laura (as always ) is right. I don't have anywhere else where I can be honest or receive/provide support.
Sorry for failing to leave.
I'm back at work tomorrow - crapping myself. I know it won't last. Maybe I'll get part way through a phased return but my heart isn't in it. Anxiety is sky high and I know I can't sustain a working role. I need the money though.
Meeting my new care-co-ordinator on Tues. She (which in itself is usually more difficult for me) is a social worker. Hoping she will have some suggestions as to how to move forward but at same time, not holding my breath.
Last edited by ThinkingofRecovery : 18-06-2009 at 12:45 PM.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I think you have to get over the whole 'I know it won't last' mind set. I know it is hard and maybe that is your gut instinct but if you go into work tomorrow with the thought 'i can't do this', 'it won't last', 'soon I am going to crash out' etc etc then you will. Try and contradict every one of your negative thoughts with a positive, challenge your thoughts and try and block them out. I think you can do this Carrie. I know how hard it must be for you but you need to try.
I hope your social worker meeting goes well on Tuesday. Focus on that if it helps you get through Monday and then look at other things to focus on that are outside of the work environment. You can do this, you will be ok.
Thanks Emma. I know I should be positive etc but I can't because I really think that right now I need to somehow concentrate on reigning in the chaos and getting things straight in my head. I'm going to try work again for the money and because it is considered the right thing to do by society.
The problem is, if it ends up too difficult again, it is when I am at most risk re sui because I don't want to face failing at it again.
Sorry, that sounds silly.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
It doesn't sound silly at all. I think you concentrating on what 'society' deems acceptable is ridiculous though, and to be honest I am not sure if it is just an excuse. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. If the only reason you are going back to work is because of what other people may think then perhaps you need to reevaluate. If however you are making yourself a martyr for societies misgivings then that is a problem you need to address. Only you can know if you are ready to go back to work. A balance needs to be made between trying to please other people and facing difficult personal challenges face on.
You sound like you are unsure. In my mind that would suggest to me that you take another week off to prepare so that you can give your return your all. I know you are a perfectionist.
Reading it back, that response sounds harsh. It is not supposed to. My point was simply that you need to find a balance between pleasing other people and giving in to your BPD which would possibly have you remain a victim forever. You are worth so much Carrie, you just need to see it.
My point was simply that you need to find a balance between pleasing other people and giving in to your BPD which would possibly have you remain a victim forever.
This is my big worry. Can I dedicate time to getting myself a little more sorted (if that is actually possible) or is it me just pretending in order to give in and have an excuse. I think it is the former but am scared shitless that it will end up being me giving into the bpd. My capacity to cope with things seems to be going in an ever diminishing circle.
Thanks for helping me think these things through Em.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
I agree with everything Emma's said babe. At the same time though i do think taking time out for you to actively seek outside support/help to get things more straight in your head makes just as much sense. Did you check out the mind link? If they won't give you psychology you can get upto 18 sessions with a counsellor there..and you've always got helpers around you in mind who are willing to sit in a room with you to have a chat. It might be worth while you looking into it.
You will get through this Carrie - it's just finding/getting the right support / care plan in order for you to get back on the straight and narrow.
Sorry i'm not good with words right now, hope that made sense.
love you x
I went in to work and no panic attack. I was only in for the morning to sort through emails etc but there is a solicitor who I do alot of work for usually - drafting her applications, carrying out investigations etc and she has already passed work through. This makes me feel better as we work well together and it is nice to know she still values me
I suppose the lack of panic was helped by my housemate travelling with me (her shift start time luckily coinciding today) but I am going to choose to ignore that at the moment.
The plan for the rest of the working week:
Tuesday - not in - meeting my new care-co-ordinator though
Wed - all day
Thurs - afternoon
Fri - appt with gp am and then working pm.
I have asked for my phased return to be farily swift this time so should be back to work full-time in a few weeks.
Sorry but didn't think I would manage but I did .
Hopefully my the social worker I am going to be under from tomorrow will be able to provide more regular and reliable support to try and keep me in work.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Taking the steps to change, somethimes having to backpedal a bit, is a difficult but promising move to restart your year. Things will change (and are changing for you).
*Big big hugs* I'm so so proud of you, as soon as i recieved your text i said outloud to myself "I'm proud of you" as i can't text back due to very low funds, but i was thinking of you today and i'm so glad you made it through OK.
Please remember not to rush yourself. I know you've had a really good day and i'm SO proud of you hun, but take it one day at a time - don't feel pressurised to go back full time if you don't feel quite ready, maybe increase your hours gradually rather than being thrown in the deep end? I've just seen you go back fulltime and have ended up in a bad way and i really don't want you to go backwards babe. So just take care of yourself for me ok?
And i'll take up your offer on borrowing that book if that's ok?
Love you hun and i'll always have faith in you and i'm with you every step of the way :)
xxxx
Well dome on getting into work today know that must have been hard but you did it!
Good luck for tomorrow I really hope this new cpn works out well for you and can offer you the support you need. Be thinking of you xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
I'm actually more nervous today re meeting the social worker because if she isn't going to be any use/help, I'll just be left to my own devices again. I'm trying to think of things I want to bring up without it being too many things seeing as we are only meeting for the 1st time today.
Laura - course you can take me up on the book offer, just let me know your address and I will post it on to you.
Rain - I had forgotten about that little statement. I hope you are right.
Sorry, feeling jittery and anxious - prn here we come.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
Hope it goes ok this afternoon. Don't worry about asking too many questions they are well used to that. Fingers crossed that it went well for you xxx
"Because you don't notice the light without a bit of shadow. Everything has both dark and light. You have to play with it until you get it exactly right."
I met my new care-co-ordinator today, she’s a social worker. We had a bit of a chat about some of my harming, drinking, etc so that she could start to understand how it works/operates for me. I told her that I feel as though there is no way forward due to rejection from the psychotherapy service. Guess what, there are some options, which we are going to talk to psych about at appt in 2 weeks.
She said that although she won’t put me on the list for psychotherapy in my local area (2 year wait), but she could get the head of the local psychology services to assess me to see whether he could recommend individual psychotherapy. If he believes it would be safe enough, she could then refer me to a local women’s centre where there is a 3 month wait for individual psychotherapy. She asked me whether my old cpn had mentioned the women’s centre – duh, no!
If he has concerns re safety, another way forward would be a local TC, which is just 1 day a week. She said she has referred a few people to it and that it is made up mainly of people diagnosed with a personality disorder. She is going to ask the psych if it would be suitable. If it is, it would be a way of me moving forward and maybe getting to the point where individual psychotherapy would be possible.
Apparently, the people she has referred to there in the past had similar concerns to me re groups etc but that although the first few weeks there were really difficult as they settled into the group, they have all benefitted from it. In addition, with it only being 1 day a week, I am hoping, if it does come to this that work will accept a cut in my hours to allow me to attend. If I am referred, the referral process literally takes about 3 weeks.
She has worked with people like me before and said that she doesn’t hold to the usual “strict boundaries” for people with pds. I didn’t quite know what she meant at the time but perhaps that is why my old cpn was constantly just saying the same things over and over – they were the boundaries
So, it seems that there may be a way forward and she understood that leaving me until some uncertain time in the future when I may be suitable for individual psychotherapy is not a satisfactory state and so need to do something to get me to that point. It’s a relief that I’m hopefully not going to be left in this state of limbo.
Finally, my psych has now resigned. So, my outpatient appt in a couple of weeks will be with the crisis team psych who I have been under before and who I had no problem with, so hopefully something will be suggested or decided on.
"Everything is possible through Christ, who gives me strength". Phillipians 4:13
) is right. I don't have anywhere else where I can be honest or receive/provide support.
Candy Tetris
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